Some things in life are just so contradicting. I just don’t get it. I REALLY don’t get it.
“Do what you really want to do in life, do what makes you happy.” The part everyone leaves out is this part, “… but only if we think it’s good too.”
What if you want to be a bus driver? What if you want to be a janitor? What if you WANT to be a full time house wife?
“What do you want to do?”
“_________”
“……….. [enter fake 'oh' interest]….. why?”
I DON’T ASK YOU WHY YOU WANT TO WORK IN A BORING CUBICLE OFFICE JOB DEALING WITH NUMBERS AND REDUNDANT RECYCLING OF INFORMATION. Why is it that I have to answer and have a REASON for everything that I WANT to do? Why do we have to have REASONS? What people are really asking are, “Why aren’t you doing something worth while,” or rather, “Why aren’t you doing something that makes more money?”
I set myself up for this the last few years, and I’ve had to deal with it, but not as much as I do now. And now more than ever, I feel like I have to PROVE myself. Yeah. I got a fucking sociology degree and I love it. What I don’t love is the criticism, the doubtful looks, the fake sympathy, the “here’s what you should do” suggestions.
Doesn’t anyone find it awfully ironic? Here’s how it goes:
“What have you been doing?”
“Looking for a job”
“Oh, what kinda job?”
“Something in the nonprofit realm”
“Oh… really? why do you want to do that? [enter suggestions for other types of jobs that generally include having higher pay]”
Isn’t it ironic how it always sounds all nice and happy and noble when someone says that they have done so and so and so to help other people and to help blah blah blah, but when it comes down to it, when it actually means spending time to help people, it’s one of the least paying, one of the least recognized kind of jobs there are? HYPOCRISY.
I really don’t sit well with people telling me what to do. And more and more, people have been telling me what to do. I feel like I have to prove them wrong that my degree is actually worth something, that I’m actually worth something, that I’m CAPABLE of DOING. But it’s so hard when I don’t know what I want to do, that I’m confused with my own life, and one person after the other, I have to keep answering the question of “What have I been doing with my life?” I’m so sick of the question.
Sure, I guess I’m whining. Sure, I should shut up and just eat the damn lemons and get myself a job. But that’s the thing. I don’t want some job for the sake of having just a job. I want a job that I WANT. I want to do what I want to do. But that’s not what people are telling me now, are they? Right now, I’m supposed to just find what ever and get the money. “Just start now, just find whatever, and do something, and eventually you’ll move around.” Where is everyone now, all the people who used to say “Do what you want, do what makes you happy”? God damn CONTRADICTIONS.
It hurts so much to be pulled all over the place. All I want is to just be NORMAL. I want to be a life as NORMAL as possible, but we all know that something like that just can’t exist. I just wish I could be a dumb sheep and just follow along like everyone else, not questioning, not thinking, none of that. It’s so hard to decide on things when I don’t even know what I want for myself, but I’m supposed to pretend like I’m doing something.