I’m so pissed off and sometimes I wonder why I even put up with this shit.

Yes. My mom is an awesome person. I love her to death.

But I swear to fucking god. I think what I hate most is that she’s one of the most critical, most patronizing people that I know.

Being detail-oriented, meticulous, a perfectionist, and all around-anal, these are the traits I know I’ve learned from her. There’s 0 doubt about this. This seems so petty but I swear….

“Where did you go last night?”
“I went to go see my high school physics teacher. He’s in town for the next few days so we went out to see him.”
“Oh, high school teacher? Was it your physics teacher?”
“Haha yeah, I just said that…”
“No you didn’t. I didn’t hear it.”
Brother: “She did say it.”
“Oh, I didn’t hear you say it. I was just making a guess.”
“Maybe you heard it subconsciously and when you made a ‘guess’ you just said whatever you processed subconsciously.”
“No, I didn’t hear you say it.”
“I know, mom. I’m saying you heard it subconsciously. Hmm… do you know what subconscious is?”
“No.”
So I begin to explain to her what subconsciousness is and go on to give examples of what they are. She would shake her head and doubt me. And I might have gone on too long giving too many examples of what we subconsciously process.
“Okay, I’m done explaining now.”
“*Laughing* I was wondering how long you would keep on talking about it.”
“Okay well sorry I went on for too long. Sorry I was trying to actually teach you what subconsciousness is. Sorry if I didn’t say it right.”
“I know, I’m saying that your way of saying it wasn’t–”
“I already said I’m sorry for not saying it right. I’m sorry it didn’t come out the way I should have said it.”

But it’s never enough. It’s never enough. And that’s why I always get frustrated and slip.

I’ve spent years and years trying to change my behavior and I KNOW I’ve gotten better at talking with my mom but these things always seems to go unnoticed. All the times I fail always overshadow all the times when I actually keep my cool and let her have her way instead of me talking back. It’s always the bad things I hear about, and never is it any of the good stuff.

I KNOW I’ve gotten better. I KNOW I’ve unlearned a LOT of it. But I have 0 indication that SHE actually knows. Her brain works to find the imperfections, to find all the inconsistencies in everyone else. It really makes me wonder if she even notices one bit of the positive things. Even to this day, she still says that I need to improve on my attitude and behavior, which I realize and acknowledge and I’ve been slowly working on to change. But what about her? It always takes two. I only talk back when she gets really condescending. There’s a difference between being a good mom and being a jerk. It takes two, and I still think that she has 0 idea of the things she herself says and the way SHE says the things she does.

I think the part that upsets me the most is that there is SUCH a high probability of me taking the same mannerisms from her. I’m pretty much a living clone of her but simply a younger, Americanized version of her. And I absolutely hate it.

I hate that she’s trained me to see imperfections like she does. I hate that she’s trained me to be as critical about everyone and everything as she is. I hate that I’m becoming her, that I’ve internalized everything she’s critical about. I hate that all my life she’s always vented to me about her problems with my dad, making ME dislike my dad. I hate that I’m the only person in this family that will actually challenge her own behaviors. I hate that because I’m the only one that sticks up for myself and tries to make some change, I’m always the one that gets put on the spot as a disobedient child. I absolutely hate the Chinese cultural belief that people are not supposed to talk back to elders simply because they are older than them–what the SHIT is THAT? I hate that when I calm down later and have a talk with her about what just happened, somehow or another things will work out with me accepting that I was wrong and she barely did anything wrong. I hate that we ALL try to always be the ones that are right. I hate that I still CARE to be the one that’s right. I hate that she always NEEDS to be the one that’s right. I hate that I’ve changed but nothing’s changed. I hate that I’ve changed but nothing’s changed. I hate that I’ve changed but nothing’s changed. I hate that I’ve changed but nothing’s changed. I hate that I’ve changed but nothing’s changed.

But I know I love her more than anyone ever could.