Hello.
A tremendous amount of… challenging… things have been occurring this whole month.
A lot of my past has caught up to me. And I’ve also been making a lot of revisions in my own life, slowly but surely. But mostly, my past has caught up to me.
It’s one of those situations where I really don’t have anyone to blame for myself, and although I still do not regret the things I’ve done, I simply know that I have to take full responsibility for the decisions I’ve made and for the paths that I’ve chosen. And I do. I never thought it would be an easy course, but I guess I never really considered that it would be a tough one either. That was the ignorance on my part.
More than ever, I’m truly beginning to see again how important it is to really live one’s life to the fullest. I’ve kind of lost sight of that ever since I’ve started working, living the mundane life. Although I appreciate the structure and stability that comes with my life now, it pressures me to max out my weekends as my only time for “freedom,” a type of STRUCTURED and PREDICTABLE freedom, even. But even that suffices at times. It really makes me appreciate and cherish the weekends.
I’ve been feeling stuck, and unable to really do what I’ve been wanting to do. I guess I’ve been reminiscent of my extreme freedom during my last two years of college. There’s SO much of the world to explore, and there’s SO much to see. I love the idea of exploring. I love the sense of NOVELTY, even if I deliberately set it up myself to seem like something new. I still LOVE that feeling.
A lot has happened. And I really can’t blame these things on anyone else but myself.
And through the course of it all, through EVERYTHING, I know now more than EVER that my friends and family are the one most central factor of my being. It’s times like these where I open myself up and I let them see my weaknesses, open heart, open soul, allowing them to judge and abandon me like some others have done in the past. But… they don’t. They stay right here. They stay right here. Unafflicted. They even laugh at me for thinking that they’d actually think of me differently. Unconditional love. I guess they really do know me better than myself. What can really surprise them at this point, right?
More than ever, I know they are the most important aspect in my life. I love you all, and I know you know it. You know I’d take a bullet and more for every one of you. You know that you all hold a (large) place in my heart where no one else would ever come close to replacing or even come close to challenging. I wouldn’t be who I am without you. I wouldn’t be where I am without you. And I wouldn’t be able to give you the love I do without the love that you give to me. I love you. I love you. I love you. And you know it.
Thank you. for everything. I love you SO much.
damn Estella I love how you’re so honest. It’s refreshing.
Hey Buddy! It is true that the weekends are very much a “charishable” time even more so than when we were just rug rats in high school. The work week is long and tiring and the stress relief of the weekend and going out and chillin is the one place and time we can really just have that amount of free will and spirit for the brief 48 hours… and an awesome 48 hours it is.
Friends are awesome and I must say that you are awesome 2! In my time I have not had many friends that have been truly accepting of mt personality as it is somewhat annoying at times as I have come to find out nor have many friends stayed in contact with me. But I guess through the college years we all change a lot and I think we are molded into what we are today. Like clay we build each other up and then smash each other down in to pottery wheel, but somehow all that clay sticks together…. I really dont know where I’m going with this, but thanks for being my friend. =D