Today is a winding road that’s taking me to places that I didn’t want to go
Today in the blink of an eye I’m holding on to something and I do not know why
I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation
For what I’m feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there’s a way out

Spring time is a WEIRD time. A LOT of things change with the forces of nature around us. For one thing, I can’t stop sneezing. And my eyes are itchy like crazy. This is also the time when I get the slightly mild eczema under my knees and around my armpits. (Attractive. I know.)

“I just don’t want you to make a mistake,” she says. “You’re older now. You can make your own choices.”

Yes. Yes I can. The more and more I “grow up”–wait, is that even the right word? The more and more I get older, the more and more I’m expected and reminded to take more responsibility over the choices that I make in my own life. But I guess I’m worried that that doesn’t necessarily mean that the choices I’m making in my life are ones that are better than some I would have made in the past.

I mean what if I really haven’t matured that much at all? What if I really haven’t “grown up” at all? I feel like I’m still making the same decisions. I feel like I’m still making the same “mistakes.” The only thing different now is that I have brand new justifications for it. The only thing different now is that I’ve found more excuses to justify my redundant, irrational(?) choices in order to shape it into something that is seemingly different.

(Is this even true at all? What if it all IS something new and different? At what point will I give myself more credit and actually start trusting in my own decisions without the need for constant reassurance?)

There’s a huge chunk of my life that I can’t share with her. She wouldn’t understand. Heck, not even all of my friends would understand.

But with all of this, do I even understand what the hell is going on now?

Things won’t change unless you change things yourself. And if the result is always ending up the same way, maybe there’s something that needs to be changed in the process, prior to anything else. We SO easily fall into a hole of comfort, doing what we’re used to. Can I really take on a challenge to do something DIFFERENT from my own habits? After all these years? Can I really BREAK FREE? … do I even WANT to?

It’s always for the greater picture. It’s always for the betterment of EVERYONE.

But I’m just SO selfish. I can’t help but to indulge in my OWN immediate priorities.

Is this how I want to live my life?

Is this how I was raised to live my life?

Does this go along with my foundational VALUES?

Do I even trust myself in my own decisions anymore? When did I start doubting again everything I’ve been doing?

Why can’t I just WANT to conform with how everyone else functions?

Why can’t I just WANT the things that people expect me to WANT?

Why can’t I just BE someone else?

But regardless of this confusion and blurry path ahead of me, I know that I’m enjoying every ounce of it. So why can’t I just come to terms with my present happiness? Why does this happiness make me uneasy and paranoid of this being the WRONG choice, of this being the tip of an iceberg of some huge detrimental part of my life?

Springtime draws out the ambition within us. It makes you believe that it’s a chance for you to revive yourself. It makes you believe that you can do anything you want—so optimistic that it’s almost a sense of false hope. It makes you take great leaps that you wouldn’t dream of doing any other time of the year. As a result, I’ve found it harder and harder to trust myself nowadays.