Hypocrisy. In actuality, I don’t know it is that I actually want. I know who I want to be–me, but even then I’m not sure I actually do, or if I even know how to be me anymore. I’ve been running a lot from myself lately. I know I’ve been distracting myself to not deal with my choices, to not face the issues at hand. They’re not urgent, but I know they have to be dealt with.

I woke in the middle of the night, haunted by my own thoughts. I couldn’t sleep. I tried to stop running away from my thoughts–just STICK to that one thought. Just STICK with it and come to TERMS with it. But I kept running. Immediately, I’d start thinking about something a lot more comfortable. And in the darkhole of my room, I thought I saw the ghost of you, right there. Right at my door. I didn’t see anything, but I could feel your eyes of judgment staring me down. I turned to face my wall, I pulled the sheets over my head, and I retreated into my thoughts of comfort at least until the daytime.

It’s been difficult to distinguish between my dreams and reality these days. Did this happen yesterday? Oh wait. That was in a dream… right?? Where have I been? Am I doing the right thing? It’s always the same question. It’s such a…. stupid… question. It’s such a WRONG question.

I’m a little exhausted. I DON’T want to deal. I’m done explaining. I mean… is there really anything to deal with? What is there to prove when people have already formed their thoughts, when they’ve all formed their own conclusions and their own judgment of… well… me?

Selfishness. If I stayed, I would have been lying. If I didn’t tell him, I would have been LYING, goddamnit. I didn’t MEAN for it to happen this way, and I didn’t MEAN for things to happen like THIS. You can’t control your feelings–you can’t just turn things on and off like that. Why does everyone always strive to be honest when honesty only makes you the bad guy? WHY does there have to be a bad guy and a good guy? Things just aren’t as black and white as that. …right? I did what I FELT was the right thing. I’m not good at lying. I’m just not. I just can’t.

Is there really anything to run from? This is all just internal guilt. I can’t stand the idea of being considered a bad person–it eats away at me like a virus. There: for anyone that ever wants to get at me, there’s your opening.

Is there really anything left to deal with? What’s done is done. What’s the point when they won’t want to open their ears to listen, anyway? The judgment and the criticism has already been formed. Maybe I’m being a coward. Maybe I’m just as scared as I was last night. Maybe I’m living in my own denial. …What should I do? I don’t think there’s anything else to do–anything else would be an act of me salvaging my own reputation. Why does that matter, right? I did what I felt was right. I did what I felt was TRUE. I don’t regret my decisions. I don’t think about the ‘what ifs.’ I know what I did was what I wanted to do.

“Utter disregard for other people’s emotions.” That stings. Maybe it seems that way. But if that were true, I would have continued on pretending.

… Is this defensive talk? Maybe I’m being a coward. Maybe I’m just as scared as I was last night. Maybe I’m living in my own denial.

One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time. Happy place, happy place, happy place…

What ever it may be: distractions, running away, taking me away from it all… Thanks for keeping me sane.