Knowing that I’ve been going out a lot, I know I’ve been making my mom unhappy lately. It’s some weird mentality in my family that if I’m going out, I’m not an obedient, and thus not a “GOOD” daughter. She doesn’t realize it, but she still strongly implies and hints that I spend too much time going out.

So, in the last two weeks, I’ve made an effort to be at home more. Wait–what does that MEAN exactly? I’m home every weekday. When we’re all home, all we do is just have dinner together and just branch off to our respective sectors of the house anyway. I’m usually gone for the weekends or they just see peeps of me here and there cuz… well… it’s the weekend. Why WOULDN’T I go out since I didn’t get the chance during the weekday? Regardless, I made an effort to be more presently at home the last two weeks. …which means, I just invite everyone to my house instead!

Sleeping in this afternoon, I woke up and no one was home when I woke up, and they were all out to lunch. I woke up and played some Mario Kart (will save this for another post). I came online to browse around a little bit. And then it hit me: “Why the hell am I at home? All my friends are out not online either. So why the HECK am I doing here?”

I mean, really? Am I still seeking her approval? When will I learn to stop living for her and to live for myself? How the heck did Ivan break out of this? Oh wait, he moved out. That’s right. How do I get her to realize that me going out has NOTHING to do with my respect for her and has NOTHING to do with me being a good or bad daughter?

She swears that the reason she wants me to stay in more is so I can get more rest and to be more healthy. Going out = spending money, eating unhealthy, playing so much “that I go insane” (wan doh DEEN sai).

I seek her approval a lot because I value her opinion a lot. But I guess I need to know where to draw the line. Should I continue trying to regulate my staying in time to suck up and please her all for her approval and for her to believe that I can take care of myself? or should I just say fuck it and just do what I really want to do?

I understand that there’s a need for balance in our lives. But THAT’S why I play on the weekends, because I’ve been “good” all week.

(How much longer can I do this until I can’t take it and have to move out? There’s plenty of benefits of living at home: safe neighborhood, food is provided, nice house, not having to deal with neighbors etc. But for more rent, I could be doing whatever I want, without the pressures of strategizing around judging eyes.)

Practicality vs. Desire has been a predominant theme in my life these last few months.

afk, hanging with Eugenia.