Most of my life, I’ve always been thought to be one of those always-happy people. Lately, I haven’t felt very happy.

Not that I’ve felt mostly sad or depressed, but I don’t have the HIGH on life that I used to have in my day-to-day life.

Is the effect of my living in limbo, right now? Is this because of my many insecurities? of myself?

Whatever it may be, I’ve been stuck here for the last few months. I don’t seem to laugh as much, don’t seem to smile as much, don’t seem to enjoy my time as much. A shame, really. I WANT to live every day up, but it’s become fairly mundane and…. un-exhilarating. Unchallenged, every day a slight variation of the past, I’m living the cycle of what I criticized most from the corporate, day-to-day jobs that I disliked. Ironic, since now I have all the freedom to do whatever I want.

I guess it has a lot to do with my expectations of what I envisioned myself doing if I had all the time in the world, and comparing it to the pressures and duties of what I actually need to accomplish for I-dunno-what goals.

Yes, I’m lost.
Yes, I don’t know what I want at all.
Yes, I’ve become more and more bipolar, moody, judgmental, and discontent with most things.
Yes, ‘Ol Stelly has become an ‘ol grouch.

I’m typing this all now, even though I’ve spent the last 3 days living up the San Diego/La Jolla weather in all its perfection. As calming and gratifying it feels to have my skin and toes in the summer sand again (reminiscent of awesome LA days), I lack something within.

I feel something dark in me, I feel unsatisfied, I feel disappointment. Maybe in myself, even. Trapped, and restricted.

I don’t know what I WANT, I don’t know what to communicate, and I don’t even understand the levels of all these feelings and how it can affect the littlest of interactions.

Hi, my name is Estella. I used to the be the Happiest Littlest Elf, and I want to be again. But I don’t know how.