Yep.
It’s official.
I’m the emo kid of any given situation these days.

It’s been a while since I’ve been stuck in a rut like this, and I guess I know how to pinpoint exactly how this all happened. It’s one of those “I have no one to blame but myself” situations, but it’s 100% one of those “Hey, how was I supposed to know unless I tried?” situations. And here I am now, totally aware of what the puzzle pieces are… and I’m so hesitant to make a move.

I’ve been laughing and smiling, but I don’t think I’ve really felt HAPPY for a long duration since May or June. I completely feel that I’ve lost all spirit for the most of my days. Get up, take the carpool, go to work, do whatever crazy work is going on, take the bus home, eat and listen to someone or other rant about something or other, shower, go to bed, talk on the phone, sleep. It’s only gotten more mundane in the last two months.

And two months is a short amount of time to gauge these types of things–especially when I know my own habits. It takes me a longer time to get a better grasp of how I actually feel about something. At this point, I’m not sure if I want to wait any longer to see what will become of this…

I’ve lost vision of what I actually want to do with my life.
I’ve lost vision of WHY I live to do the things I do. I just need to take the time to figure out why I HAVEN’T been doing those things.
I need to put time aside to figure out WHO I want to be and HOW I’ll be able to do that.

This was only supposed to be “temporary,” remember? I swear… everyone tells themselves that… Now, it’s just a matter of how much time I should actually allot for this. And if I DO figure out how much time I should allot for this, I need to figure out what I want to do AFTER that. Holy shit. I have 0 clue. All I know right now is that I need to get back on my art track. Through all of this, the MOST at peace I am is every Tuesday and Thursday night in art class. It’s a very pleasurable, gratifying, productive, SATISFYING time. I’ve decided to make it a goal to make it to every art class for the rest of the semester (with the exception of the vacation week).

I’ve lost sight of so many things.
And I’ve definitely drifted off onto a path that I don’t think I ever planned to be on–spontaneity, I guess.

I was in a car the other day with a driver who was super Christian, listening to super Christian music. The lyrics and the driver (totally not driving hands-free, btw) greatly emphasized the idea of letting yourself go and putting your life in the hands of the Lord. That carpooling moment has rekindled and reinforced my strong belief that we are all makers of our own fate, and we are all completely capable and responsible for handling our own lives. I trust in fate–something that I guess may be written out by the universe’s patterns and laws. Regardless, I trust that it is a fate that I create on my own. (I know, I know, it’s completely contradictory to believe in something that is pre-determined and also freedom at the same time–whatever… it works out fine in MY mind… that’s all that really matters..) But I’ve been at such a standstill, so reluctant, hesitant, and even LAZY to even do anything about the situation in my life.

Unfortunately… a huge roadblock I’m facing is money. I hate that this is where my life has ended up, completely restricted by money and my plans for the future, which are greatly limited by my financial flexibility or lack thereof. I wish it weren’t such a huge factor… but it has been.

I need to redraft my life…. At least I’ve figured that out??

Vision without action is a dream. Action without vision is simply passing the time. Action with Vision is making a positive difference.