A long time ago, I promised myself that I could make myself different, that I WOULD be special. Like any other low self esteemed adolescent, I mentally had a hard time trying to fit in. I didn’t have the resources to spend on buying the materialistic things that all the teeny boppers did, I couldn’t develop my social life as other people got to go out more–and didn’t have curfews at that. But in retrospect, I probably did fit in really well. More than I knew. I was simply just another asian girl with the worries and troubles that any other asian girl had, just a different degree.

A lot has happened since those days and a lot has changed. I wonder what people think when they see my internet personas on facebook, on myspace, etc. etc. Do they see just another asian girl? Do they see a hardworker? Do they see a partier? Point is… seeing these profiles online are as shallow as seeing someone in person, across the street. Except… it’s even more shallow than just that. Point is… even though I could never meet the expectations and standards of society, that I could never be financially/academically successful thru the hard maths and sciences and all that other mumbojumbo, I’m really grateful for the path that I’ve taken, and for the substance that I carry with me now.

Through it all, I guess I always find ways to make myself feel special, affirmation that I AM worth something, that no one else is like me. I always gotta go and do something different. Talk about egotism to the max.

Point is… I can’t stand it when people who don’t me that well assume that they know everything about me. There are so many sides to each person that it’s almost impossible to know EVERYTHING about one person. We can never truly KNOW someone… probably cuz we never truly know ourselves.

With that said and done, I am always grateful for my closest friends that DO know the things I’ve gone through–good and bad–and their acceptance, understanding, and APPRECIATIVENESS of my history.

I need to get off this egotistic trip.

to go play with all of Eugenia’s nephews toys while he’s passed out!!!!!!!!! Notice how she shows little or no interest in joining me.but all along i knew, deep down inside……..

haaaahahahahaha
i miss 303. we were so dedicated to partying that we had an official “calendar ‘o fun” with a strict drinking/partying schedule.

hey, at least she didn’t go to a PFLAG (parents, friends, and families of lesbians and gays) meeting drunk….. at 5PM…. haaaaahahah

oh how i miss them so.

2.) What was your status by Valentine’s Day?
this question is stated as if I was planning to achieve something by then!

3.) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
BA baaabbbyyy

4.) How did you earn your keep?
webmaster job on campus

5.) Did you ever have to go to the hospital?
no

6. Did you have an encounter with the police?
mm I feel like I have but dont remember…. typical.

7.) Where did you go on vacation?
Mediterranean

8.) What did you purchase that was over $500?
nothing

9.) Did you know anybody who got married?
Leo!

10.) Did you know anybody who passed away?
no

11.) Have you ran into anybody you graduated high school with?
mm don’t remember

12.) Did you move anywhere?
back home

13.) What sporting events did you go to?
did i? hahah

14.) What concerts did you go to?
Ozma ozma ozma ozma

15.) Are you registered to vote?
yes

16.) If so, did you do your patriotic duty on Nov. 7?
yes

17.) Where do you live now?
the town

18.) Describe your birthday?
dimsum with fams, shopped in frisco all day with my mom to buy work clothes, dinner at bordeaux for fillet mignoooonnnn, zanze’s cheesecake, more cake at jacob+james’

19.) What’s the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2006?
one night stand? i’m sucha ho.

20.) What is one thing you regretted this year?
hooking up with certain people, but not really at the same time.

21.) What’s something you learned about yourself?
that i love myself, that i can sometimes be my own best friend which sounds really creepy and kinda schizo but you know. whatevs.

22.) Any new additions to your family?
no

23.) What was your best month?
july.

24.) Best decision made all year?
Tickling the idea and eventually going thru with asking henry to come to oakland to hang out

25.) What will you remember 2006 by?
half full of drunken debauchery, the other half of slowly growing up and meeting an amazing person along the way

26.) What are you doing to ring in 2007?
spend new years eve with my significant other, something i’ve never done before!

The last two days, I’ve fixed up my computer to give to my younger cousins who’ve never had a computer before. Sucks… they’re prolly in jr high/high school without a computer. I can’t imagine being computer/internetless growing up, most especially at this time and age. Anyway, this will help end my internet addiction so I won’t be around too much after this (I hope). Until I earn enough money for my own, I’ll be using my parents’ here and there to check email/find friends to DS with.Happy holidays and be safe <3

Today, I made lasagna. I’m gonna perfect it like I did my “special” chocholate chip cookies.

from when I went down to Riverside to surprise the boy. the roomies and i were waiting around impatiently for a few hours that they even set up a little decoy boobie-trap for kicks, the waterbottle on top of door trick. lawlz. pwned.

conventional oven is DEFINITELY better than microwaving it. tsk tsk tsk. look at all that melted crust. sigh. wasted.i also found this pic while google imaging “bagel bites”

lawlz.

Anyway, grouchy. It’s the kinda grouchy where I pick out all the little annoying things that the people around me do. And when I say ‘all’ I mean ALL. It’s where it’s just best if you don’t ask me a question or provoke me to talk, because the only thing I have to say is to make you feel bad for making me talk to begin with. The only things I have to say are to make you feel stupid for saying something, ask you why you had to do something, and then criticize you for it.

That’s how it used to be a lot when I lived at home. I’m good at making people feel like they’re shit. I did that a lot with Marco. And I hate(d) myself for it. So I’ve cut down on it a lot more in the last two to three years. But being used to doing that for years of my life, sometimes you just relapse. And I guess the worst part is… I don’t know where all the anger comes from. I hate how our world teaches us that it’s much more acceptable to hate each other than it is to love each other, to the point where loving is just weird and awkward. But I’m not blaming other people for my own issues… I am society, society is me, is you, is us, is me.

Growing up, I was always the venting hole for my mom when it came to all her friends, our relatives, my dad. If anyone’s seen the movie The Squid and the Whale (a movie that I highly don’t really recommend but I supposed deserves some recognition since it pretty much left quite a mark in my mind), the beginning shows how easily and closely children follow in their parents’ footsteps, more than often very bilaterally. “I don’t like how the family’s hella split in half because the kids just follow one parent or other,” I said to Man. But to be honest, I follow my mom pretty much 100% when it comes to opinions and judgements. I’m pretty sure I greatly disliked and was annoyed of my dad for a bulk of my childhood because of the things she would vent to me about. I’m not blaming her but just saying… that’s just how things were…

I love my mom. But there are just some times… I don’t want to believe that she’s right. And I don’t want to listen to all the things she has to say because it just gets me more and more mad how negative and jugdemental she can be. And what I hate the most, no… what SCARES me the most is that I can be influenced by that. that I’ll turn out like that one day. Because I don’t WANT to be like that. I don’t WANT to have an opinion for everything. I don’t WANT to be so critical of everything and everyone. People are who they ARE. I LIKE accepting people for who they are, and I LIKE trying to understand why people do the things they do without shutting them out right away. I’m so scared of turning out to be like her. probably because I know there’s a part of me that’s just like that right now too.

One of the things I’ve come to learned is to try to be appreciative of those people who AREN’T appreciative of others. Minorities among the minorities. LVL blessed us with such immense knowledge, but it only makes things so much more complicated and complex. “Be a sheep, but be a SMART sheep.” These are the kinda times where ignorance is bliss. Times like these, I just want to mindlessly follow everyone else and NOT know things and NOT see things. One of the greatest things about Sociology is that it’s applicable to everyone and everything. One of the worst things about Sociology is that it’s applicable to everyone and everything. If you let it get to you, you analyze anything and everything around you. I love Soc. My radar’s on way too much for my own mental health. And I’m usually not sure how to turn it off.

Whatever. here’s my latest art piece.

The Monsters In Your Bed

(that’s a bad pic. i’ll retake in the morning with better lighting.)

i’m pretty bipolar arent i? brace yourself, henry.
… i cant wait for you to come home…

I like that concept of us being the center of the world, in a sense that all you know is what you know. And even then, who knows if even THAT is real. For all you know, the world only existed when you were born. For all you know, the world only exists the moment you wake up in bed. For all you know, the world DOESN’T exist the day after you die. I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I’m thankful for everything I have, everything I’ve learned, all the people I’ve met and have helped me grow in each other their own individual ways, all the little things that make me smile, all the grand things that make me smile. I’m thankful for love, for understanding, acceptance, open-mindedness, their opposites to justify the things I believe in, for all the opportunities I’ve been given, for being in the place that I am today, for growing up in Oakland, for being allowed to be me, for having a roof to live under, for having the internet, for having the choice of having any food I desire, for my friends for loving me for me, for my friends, for Henry, for my brothers, for my parents.

And you ask me what I want this year and I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days, cuz I don’t need boxes wrapped in strings, and desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days

So take these words, and sing out loud, cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again

And it’s someplace simple where we could live, and something only you can give
And that’s faith and trust and peace while we’re alive
And the one poor child that saved this world, and there’s 10 million more who probably could, if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words, and sing out loud, cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight, and somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days

So take these words, and sing out loud, cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again