What LOST Has Done For Me

Yesterday was the end of something that meant a lot to me. On a very personal level, LOST sparked my creativity and imagination for the last six years. It’s fed my inner artist, and inspired the student in me. So many ideas, projects, parties, people I’ve met, and things I’ve learned have come about because of my love for this show and the way it makes me feel. I’ve laughed, despised (Michael!), and cried during the course of this show, falling in love with its characters and twists and turns. It’s something that only the uber loyal hard-core fans seem to all understand amongst each other.

Casual watchers just don’t understand how BIG of a show this is for us. It’s not the show… it’s the EXPERIENCE. After every episode, I rounded up my crew of hard-core LOST fans in an email thread and we would theorize, research, and joke about all the things we’ve all seen. (Janelle, remember when I didn’t wanna get caught reading Lostpedia while working at Embark, and I had you paste all the info about the latest episodes into a .txt file for me to read in Notepad++ so it’d look like I was coding? WINNER.) A COMMUNITY of forums and sites were formed out of pure fanship, as we all searched for answers, shared our thoughts about the island and its mysticism. Did you see that this book was mentioned? Did you know the book is about this and that? The show PUSHED us to a point we didn’t even know we were willing to go! I’ve bonded with new people, became even closer with some of my fellow LOST friends, and I even found love.

One of the first things I ever said to Brent was, “HEY! You watch LOST?!” I saw the Season 1 DVDs sitting on his work office’s desk. The ultimate test: “Are you catching up, or are you lending out your set?” “Heck yeah I’m all caught up!” The only two people that could keep up with my theories and ideas at that point were Batz and my brother Conrad. After a few weeks of watching LOST on tv while chatting with Brent, I knew he was someone that was inspired by LOST too, and he too could also harness that inspiration with a plethora of ideas of what was going on in the show.

Uncontrollable Crying Scene #1: If you weren't on the brink of tearing up during this scene, you have no soul. ... Just sayin. :)

Collective Consciousness and What Matters

But in the end, theories, questions, super complex and thought-out formulas of what was going on with the island’s mysteries, none of those things really mattered. And at the same time, it ALL mattered.

Jack and Desmond debated outside the heart of the island, Desmond stating that none of it mattered, that nothing they do matters because they’ll eventually be at a better place. Jack, on the other hand, was arguing that it ALL mattered.

As Christian Shepherd explained, the church and that “reality”, was a place that they all created so they could all be together again, where they could all remember everything they did together. This hit such a strong chord in me: a place, somewhere beyond space and time, where you and the ones that matter to you most can share a place brought together by… some sort of COLLECTIVE consciousness. A love SO powerful that this place is created for you, your loved ones, the only thing that’s ever really mattered, just to BE together. [Wasn't there a similar movie like that? Where someone magically made all these things come true (subconsciously) because he NEEDED those kinds of scenarios to happen (i.e. flash-sideways events) in order to stay connected and remember those he loved?]

With that in mind, Desmond and Jack were BOTH right. NONE of it mattered because in the end, they would all be together again in a better place. But all if it DID matter because the island is where they all came together and have grown to love each other with all their crazy experiences there.

Whatever Happened Happened

… and everything else is moot.

SO many people I know are asking MORE questions, thirsty due to the lack of answers, and not really grasping what the show was all about. LOST has always been about the characters. Every single episode has been centered around one character and their struggles, hardships, and how they eventually overcome that challenge. The BEAUTY of the show and the reason for its success is mostly because we can RELATE to these characters. All the characters had to deal with some sort of desperate emotion that we’ve all had to deal with at one point of our lives: loneliness, stubbornness, internal struggles of what is right and wrong, trying to figure out the “meaning of it all” is, loss and failure, separation, and love.

I suspect the people that have watched the show for the shallow mysteries, not really caring about the characters (or even just watching the show via the recaps and thus not fully experience the ART that is Jack Bender’s direction and Michael Giacchino’s musical perfection) are the folks that are left unsatisfied with this series finale.

So Let Go, Let Go… Cuz There’s Beauty In the Breakdown

So, let go, let go
Jump in, oh well, what you waiting for?
It’s all right, ’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in, oh, it’s so amazing here
It’s all right, ’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

This is one of the biggest messages that I realize now that’s incredibly prevalent in Season 6. I think it’s even a direct message to the shows viewers: are the answers really that important? Would you really be content if we blatantly answered it for you?

That reminds me of a very powerful lesson I learned in Sociology: we’re always searching for the next best thing. For some reason, we’re raised in a culture where we are piled on with options, and we constantly think that there’s something BETTER out there, better than what we already have. (e.g. gadget-fiends that are always the first to buy the brand new tech toy) Our professor would question us: we’re always trying to get the next best thing, but would you know it if you have it? Would you be SATISFIED with what you have? Or would you simply go out and keep looking for something that you think is better?

Have Trust in the Future

Uncontrollable Crying Scene #2: Everything will be okay in the end.

Part of embracing the present is appreciating what you already have, and not worrying about the past nor the future. I think that was LOST’s biggest message. Whatever happened happened, and there’s nothing you can do about it. And at the same time, stop worrying about HOW you’re gonna get to the end—you’ll get there, whether early or late, and the outcome will always be what it will be.

That was an amazing realization for me, and blew my spiritual-self outta this world. I interpreted LOST’s ending to mean that the end will always be the end, but the MEANS to that end can be whatever you choose. I can see that when Hurley says to Sayid, “It’s your choice [if you want to go], but if you stick with me, you’ll be happy you did.” I like that… and it’s something I really couldn’t put into words what I’ve felt too: I DO believe in fate, and I DO believe in freewill. I TRUST that things will always be good in the end. “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay right now, then it’s not the end.”

To Conclude…

One of my interpretations is that the whole show of LOST was a journey through Jack’s experience in learning to let go: of his pride, his father, his need to be a leader. Even in the end, he was so hesitant of remembering everything from the island. But when he let go, he was able to tap into that collective-consciousness place where he was finally able to reunite with the people that mattered most, even the ones he lost long ago.

In order for us to truly appreciate and embrace the present, we need to let go of the past and trust in the future. I found myself feeling extremely content and satisfied with LOST finale because it made me realized that just like in real life, we’ll never have EVERYTHING answered. And it DOESN’T matter to have all the answers.

What matters to me is that I lived the LOST experience. LOST created characters that I fell in love with. It brought together a community of creative, intellectual, and loyal fans that spent hours and YEARS working together to contribute to something awesome! The writers listened to the fans, and it gave back to us in what I think was the BEST way to end the show. LOST has redefined viral marketing, and has pushed the limits of television. It was an excuse for me to plan an all-out September 24 party. And it’s one of the many reasons why I love Brent! (Gushy moment)

Thank you, LOST team, for the six years of artistic excellence, and for inspiring our hearts!

September 22 LOST Party

On a Less Serious Note…

• Some thank yous: Thanks, Lostpedia, for being my weekly drug for the last few years! And thanks, Lost-Media, for being my go-to for any and all LOST screencaps! :D
• Awesome time pow-wowing the finale with Brent and Norvelle—so glad we all loved it and that we were able to talk about it and share our thoughts! A lot of the above ideas are your guys’ too, so thanks for helping us understand it all together!
• I think I finally fell in love with Jack in this final episode (hah)! The picture above where he sacrificed himself for the island to save everyone else, and how he’s sitting there smiling, knowing that he succeeded. He looks SO happy, proud, and satisfied that he was able to complete his task and “do what he was supposed to do.”
• Most excited moment of the night for me:
  

  I knew it!!!

• Uncontrollable Crying Scene #3:
  

  We can go dutch!

• One of my favorite lines of the night:
  

  "You were a real good Number Two." "You were a great Number One."

• I LOVE this image of Jack. He was so at PEACE, and accepted that he was just going to leave the island the same way he came to the island. And the “hello, ‘ol friend” smirk he has as he sees Vincent!! AHHH!! Vinnnceennnttt!! <3 This is about the point where Uncontrollable Crying Scene #4 hit me!
  

  Live together, dont need to die alone! Yay! :D

Bye-bye, LOST.

Thank you for the good times, and see you again soon! <3

——-

UPDATE (5/25/10):
I needed to include this for all my LOST peers!!

.... Is this really what I look like when I'm laughing? I look WHACK!! .... AH WELL! Thanks for this pic, Eugenia!

One of my favorite pastimes is going through my old pics (and I have LOTS), and checking FB profiles of some of my friends I’ve known for a long time. Whenever I do, it makes me realize how incredibly lucky I am to know the people I do. Everyone is SO incredibly unique in their own way! I’m just SO blessed to have a connection with you all! For a lot of my old jr high/high school friends, I just feel like there’s an invisible line between each of us that’ll always be there–we’ll ALWAYS be connected, whether through regular interactions or even just through our memories. I have nothing but positive memories of the good times we’ve shared!

I believe that’s how life should be. I think I know that negative stuff just isn’t worth it to try to remember and that stuff eventually fades away.

Times like this, I feel like I’m the luckiest person alive. I have FABULOUS friends that are so uniquely special that it makes me feel very special too! I have a great family, we’re all healthy and doing well! And I’m just SO lucky to have the best partner in the world–we share, talk, play, eat, live, and GROW so well together! (Did I ever tell you he’s an AWESOME cook? ESTELLA’S. DREAM. COME. TRUE.)

So, thank you for it all! <3 <3 <3 to the world!

“12 Steps to Achieve Happiness”

Need a reminder about how to be happy? I TRULY believe that diligently thinking positive thoughts = healthier and can really make a difference! (Thanks for always reminding me to focus on the positives, Brent!)

This is an article that Yama sent out that I absolutely LOVE! This is from an article on Rowdy Kittens (with my own accents):

“Don’t worry about being like other people. People can smell a poser from a mile away.” ~Gary V, Crush It!

For most of our adult lives we’re supposed to get to work on time, follow the rules set out in college, and generally be good boys and girls. We’re used to watching the clock, giving ourselves away for money and desiring gold stars in school. We’ve become so good at censoring ourselves, we don’t know who we are anymore. And we’re even less likely to ask hard questions about consumer culture, capitalism, history, law, etc.

People feel dissatisfied, depressed and unhappy because they censor their true self. I think this is the result of too much advertising, driving, television and not following our true passions. Folks have bought into messages promoted by advertisers; that you need a big house, a nice car, name brand clothes and the latest techno gadget to be happy.

I think living a simpler and more mindful lifestyle can help people reconnect with who they are. In turn, people discover freedom and happier. Happiness is hard to describe and means different things to different people. I think happiness at it’s core means questioning the status quo and continually rethinking your worldview.

Here are 12 ways to achieve happiness in your life.

1. Don’t act like other people.

Everyone is unique and beautiful. That should make us incredibly happy. Yet, I run into a lot of people who mimic the supposedly “cool kids.” You don’t need to emulate others to find happiness. We are all cool kids with our own interests.

2. Don’t buy your identity.

How many times have you run out to the store and purchased the latest “in-style” shirt? It’s easy to get sucked into consumer culture and what we think is “stylish.” To some extent we can’t avoid being influenced by culture, but we don’t have to buy into the messaging. Constantly questioning your choices will help you figure out your principles and preferences.

3. Cut people some slack.

After 10 years of working with rape and domestic violence victims, I’ve learned a lot about people. And one of the most important lessons I learned is: cut people some slack. You have no idea what kind of trauma people walk around with on a daily basis. If your co-worker is being a punk, then cut that person some slack. There is probably a deeper reason why that individual is in a bad mood or not treating you kindly.

The only person you can change is yourself. Be mindful and don’t snap, bicker or be mean to others. That type of behavior won’t bring you happiness or make the world a better place.

4. Learn how to give.

Giving might look different for everyone. But give all the time you’ve got. Pour yourself into projects and give back to your friends, family and community.

For instance, if you blog, help out your fellow bloggers. Highlight their work, give encouragement and help your blogging buddies improve. If you’re into volunteer work, take it up an extra notch and increase the number of hours you give to an organization every week.

Learning how to give and be grateful for everyday gifts is an essential component to finding yourself and happiness.

5. Spend time in nature.

I’ve seen a few credit card advertisements with people frolicking in green fields. Credit card companies seem to know what brings us happiness and that is spending time outside in nature. However, running up credit card bills won’t give you the time to enjoy green fields or hikes in nature. More than likely, you’ll be stuck in a cubicle, working to pay off your debt.

6. Find meaning and purpose in your life.

Last weekend, I spent some time in Orange County and talked with a few family members about dreams and lifestyle changes. One of my family members has no idea what to do next with her life. This made me incredibly sad. I encouraged her to do some mind-mapping and write down everything she wants to do.

Don’t become a zombie. Finding meaning, purpose and happiness isn’t easy. It’s a journey we all have to figure out, but it is possible if we prioritize happiness in our lives.

Determine the biggest and most important problem you can solve with your skills. And use that gift to find meaning, purpose and happiness in your life. We all have unique skills and gifts. Once you figure out what those gifts are apply them to a problem you care deeply about.

7. Learn to be satisfied with enough.

What is your enough point? How much do you really need to be happy. A number of researchers studying positive psychology have determined that people don’t need much to be happy after their basic needs are met. Happiness is found by expressing our values and connecting with others. Happiness is not for sale at the shopping mall.

8. Meditate and let go.

A RowdyReader left a beautiful comment on my last post about happiness and emphasized the importance of mediation and letting go.

What is interesting about this exploration of “Finding Happiness” (not just on your blog) is that many if not all aspects of the solutions point towards letting go of / removing things rather than adding anything. If this is considered deeply (eg through meditation) then it is possible to discover that happiness is actually already here in all of us. And, as your post points out, many aspects of “modern living” obscure happiness from our day-to-day experiences. We are so heavily conditioned to believe that we aren’t happy and need to look for it somewhere outside of our very self. And so heavily conditioned that happiness is something special – like intense pleasure or stimulation of various kinds – but when happiness is present and we experience it, in some ways it is actually very ordinary, and so kind of hard to describe!

9. It’s okay to ask for help.

If you’re feeling lost or confused, ask for help. Have some tea with a friend or family member you admire ask them “what makes you happy”. Its amazing what we can learn from others in our lives. The internet is full of amazing blogs and people. Connect with those folks and start asking questions about happiness, personal growth and living a simpler lifestyle.

10. Be a lifelong learner.

Rethinking your perspective is a huge part of finding happiness. If we continually latch onto the same worldview, how can we grow and improve our lives? Rethinking requires discussions, reading and communicating with others and allows us to answer new questions that arise. Life is constantly changing. Having the skills to adapt will foster resilience and happiness.

11. Take care of your mental and physical health.

Figuring out who you are and what makes you happy can’t happen if you’re not taking care of your physical and mental health. You only have one body and mind. Consider the consequences of choices that may jeopardize your health.

If you haven’t read my free ebook, Minimalist Health, check it out.

12. Who are you?

Derrick Jensen has written extensively about “the subsumption of the individual” and the “conversion of vibrant human beings into automata.” Jensen’s words and ideas are powerful. I agree with many of his points. Especially, when it comes to following our hearts to manifest who we really are.

To find and cultivate happiness you must ask yourself three questions:

• Who are you?
• What are you going to do with the short life you’ve been given?
• And how will you cultivate happiness in your life?

It’s my hope that these tips will lead you towards the path to happiness.

Like this article? Spread the love and share this article!

Love on! <3

Yep, I’ve been MIA for a bit from both my “rl” social world and the e-world as well. It usually takes me a couple of months to adjust to a new job. So… have you missed anything in my life? Nah, not really. I’ve just been working and sleeping for the most part. :)

I know… boring update. Okay okay, I’ll get into details about my latest interests:

Design

I’m loooovvviinnggg my job right now and how the diversity of things I get to do in my role as a designer–ranging from extremely creative work to the creation of an internal wiki. (Yes. I admit it. I very much so enjoy being a wikimaster to ensure that information stays clear and consistent to my preference. Wa ha ha ha! *throwing arms up in triumph*)

Financial Plans and Future Goals

I want a house. I won’t be buying one anytime soon but I’m saving up for one. Hopefully, people will just give me money for no reason to help me reach my goal! ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^

In the meantime, I’ve been more money conscious–and thank GOD I have a job right now to save up my money! Watching my savings acct grow is definitely fun to watch (I sit there all day watching it jking). I’m glad I’ve been resourceful and frugal over the last years which has helped me save up. I’MMA GET A HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! *power fist pump!!!!!!!*

Dog

In the last month, I’ve reflected back on some of my earlier life interests to see how I’ve tried to achieve my childhood dreams. Tomboy–check. Artist–check. Dog–wait, what?!

Yes. I’ve always, always, always wanted a dog, probably since the first time I laid eyes on one. I guess I’ve forgotten this because there was just no hope with my parents getting one. In fact, it became kinda routine for me to pop the question regularly, “Can we get a dog?” And with eyes rolling and people scoffing, the responses would range from an immediate “No way” to the Cantonese equivalent of “In your dreams!”

Why the doggy hate? Nah, it’s not that they hate dogs, it’s the practical reasons (go figure, right?). They go traveling a lot, my mom’s an OCD cleaner, and well… they’re just done with taking care of kids. (But… actually… IMO I think they MISS taking care of kids… I digress..)

Anyway, I live with Brent now in a condo that fully allows dogs and pets and all this wonderful happiness and joy! And when I was unemployed, it was the PEERRRFFEECCTT time for me to take care of a dog with allllll my free time! But…. my brother owns this unit. He says no dog.

SAAAADDD FAAAAACCCEEEEEEEEEEEEE GAALOOOOORRRRREEEE

I’ve decided that in order to achieve or at least start working towards one of my long-standing childhood dreams, I will be raising enough money over the years to buy my own house. When this has been accomplished and if I’m still financially sound after paying my life earnings to property tax and all that mumbo jumbo, I WILL GET A DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Call it a lil of a John Locke syndrome–”Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do!!!”

I shall prevail.
I WILL fulfill all my childhood dreams in my lifetime!!

Health and Exercise

Okay, I get it. I should exercise.

I’ve registered for a membership at the YMCA and have been going to the pool at least 3 times a week. I suck at swimming now, but.. oh well. At least I’m trying, right? It feels GREAT to get into the pool again and to regulate my breathing.

Brent and I have been eating healthier in the last few months too, especially because we have deliveries from the Farm Fresh To You program. Basically: fresh (SUPER fresh), organic, local farm from the Napaish area come out here to drop off a box of vegetables and fruit every two weeks. It’s definitely pushed us to cook new things! Plus, it really feels sooo good to eat yummy fresh produce–there’s no comparison in taste! Interested in the FFTY program? Let me know if you want a referral to get a discount!

Okay I actually have to go swimming now. Will continue more later with a follow-up post and pics too X_X

Last month, I landed myself a pretty exciting job at a local design studio in Oakland! I feverishly trained for several weeks, getting to know the ins and outs of my responsibilities. I spend a lot of time maintaining our client’s sites (content and design updates), have worked on brainstorming new designs for new clients, putting together print pieces, and just trying to keep my head up above the water. Barely, it seems!

When I get a new job/position, I usually go into MIA mode for a month or two to get used to the big schedule change. Which also means I’ve been maxing out in GRANDMA mode! Get to bed by 10, get up around 7:30.

I had to drop most of my classes this semester so I wouldn’t completely kill myself. I’m only taking one class now, which I absolutely LOVE–Intro to Animation Principles! I’m really enjoying the experience of creating animations. The problem is that I spend about 9 hours staring at a monitor for work, and I’m usually exhausted by the time it’s time for class. It’s so difficult to make it out, but when I get there, I always feel so thrilled about new ideas, and seeing what my classmates have created too! Unfortunately, I’ve been utterly behind on my animation work because I just don’t want to kill my eyes.

Since my eyes have been taking a beating, my weekends have just trying to chill out at home, relaxing, not straining at my computer. Just spending some good time with Brent, and occasional friends that may come over. (This weekend was the first time I saw my friends in a month! Yayayayay!!!)

I’m learning lots and am extremely fortunate to get to do things I love right now! But, as usual, the perfectionism in me just doesn’t want to fuck anything up. It’s just one of those situations where the stress that is created comes mostly from within.

Oh well… gotta HUSTLE, right?

I’ve got tons of personal projects in the queue…. just don’t know when I’ll have the energy to do everything at once again. :)

Most of my life, I’ve always been thought to be one of those always-happy people. Lately, I haven’t felt very happy.

Not that I’ve felt mostly sad or depressed, but I don’t have the HIGH on life that I used to have in my day-to-day life.

Is the effect of my living in limbo, right now? Is this because of my many insecurities? of myself?

Whatever it may be, I’ve been stuck here for the last few months. I don’t seem to laugh as much, don’t seem to smile as much, don’t seem to enjoy my time as much. A shame, really. I WANT to live every day up, but it’s become fairly mundane and…. un-exhilarating. Unchallenged, every day a slight variation of the past, I’m living the cycle of what I criticized most from the corporate, day-to-day jobs that I disliked. Ironic, since now I have all the freedom to do whatever I want.

I guess it has a lot to do with my expectations of what I envisioned myself doing if I had all the time in the world, and comparing it to the pressures and duties of what I actually need to accomplish for I-dunno-what goals.

Yes, I’m lost.
Yes, I don’t know what I want at all.
Yes, I’ve become more and more bipolar, moody, judgmental, and discontent with most things.
Yes, ‘Ol Stelly has become an ‘ol grouch.

I’m typing this all now, even though I’ve spent the last 3 days living up the San Diego/La Jolla weather in all its perfection. As calming and gratifying it feels to have my skin and toes in the summer sand again (reminiscent of awesome LA days), I lack something within.

I feel something dark in me, I feel unsatisfied, I feel disappointment. Maybe in myself, even. Trapped, and restricted.

I don’t know what I WANT, I don’t know what to communicate, and I don’t even understand the levels of all these feelings and how it can affect the littlest of interactions.

Hi, my name is Estella. I used to the be the Happiest Littlest Elf, and I want to be again. But I don’t know how.

It’s amazing that we even all worked together. I mean, seriously? Who would ever believe that we got all our work done when they see us all go out together, singing, chanting, and playing the way we do? My favorite thing of all is that we’re like a huge group of kids.

Last Thursday, Janelle and Christine organized a reunion at Koh Samui & The Monkey. Our table for 20 stretched the whole width of the restaurant. It was also Patson’s last day after 10 years at Embark, which is kindofa really big deal! To hype the event up even more, there was a public warning sent out: “Oh god! Warning to Embarkers: Adam Park will be there tonight! WARNING!”

Needless to say, every one of us enjoyed the time reunited together. I think the bonds we’ve formed, spending every day together for years–and I really mean EVERY day, including weekend outings–is proof that we all understood how important it is to build a strong friendship with those you work with. We embraced our day-to-day relationships and we built a family! I guess that’s how we’re able to always smile, joke, and celebrate the good times even when someone leaves the company. I guess that’s how we’re able to break out the “Happy Last Day To You” with every shot.

We all went through shitty times earlier this year, but it makes me SOOO happy to know that we can all get together so often to play just like we used to. And I can say without a doubt that doing so brings out SUCH a strong feeling of pure happiness!

I mean, just LOOK at these smiles!!

Click here to see the other many pics from this night.

I <3 you all!

We’ve all heard it since the day we were born. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: As children, we’re asked the grand question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” From that moment on, we’re taught the idea that we can do ANY and EVERYthing that we want, so long as we want it and work hard enough. I long realized that these ideas and dreams usually dissipate by the time we reach our adult lives.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I know a handful of people that knew EXACTLY what they’ve wanted to be since childhood, and they’ve worked hard from day one to achieve it. To name a few: Steven H, Sarah, Cotroneo. They’ve always had their vision on their dreams, and they stuck to it.

This is something I highly respect and highly admire, mostly because this comes so rarely in the lives that I know. It also hits home in my own life, reflecting how long it’s taken me to pursue my own dreams.

My Dislike for Financial Dependence

When we’re children, when we answer the question of what we want to be, we don’t understand the social and financial implications of what those careers entail. We also don’t know that a few years later, we’ll soon come to learn and become familiar with the rigid conforms of our American society.

Eventually, someone comes along and tells you that your dream job isn’t right, it doesn’t pay enough, and that it’s not PRESTIGIOUS enough. Your immigrant parents will tell you that they came to America for you to live your dream… as a doctor or lawyer only, of course.

All through life, people will reinforce the idea that you’re supposed to be on a track to success. That is, FINANCIAL success. You should have a job with reasonable pay; if you don’t, you should be trying to look for a higher paying position. If you’re unemployed, you should be looking for a job.

But what of our dreams? So many of us are raised with parents that told us, “Go to school, study hard, get good grades so you can have a good paying job. Then, you can be happy and rest carefree during retirement.” RETIREMENT? Really? THAT late in life? Assuming I’ll even LIVE to reach retirement?

Pushing Away the Dream

Anyway… my American Dream.

I’ve been lucky growing up. My Chinese immigrant parents never shunned me from doing art. Luckily, I’ve always had their support for any subject I wanted to study. (Maybe it’s because I’m the 3rd child and my older brothers were well on their way to making sufficient moneys?) In fact, my mom tells me that I should have majored in art in college since it’s what I’m ultimately best at.

So, why didn’t I?

To be honest, I’ve pushed art away for most of my life. I was too frightened. Of what? I guess the idea that you put SO much time into a piece, and people stand around and critique it (negative connotation), with me needing to know how to TALK about my own piece. I used to be extremely introverted and the idea of this critique process was beyond scary.

As a result, I mostly kept my art to myself. Practicing perfection by copying drawings and photos, I did this as my own private hobby. I would only show people finished work, PERFECTED work.

Finding a Place in the American Dream as an Artist

Over and over, my mom’s words repeat in my mind as a form of self-encouragement and confidence: you should have pursued art a long time ago.

As of recently, I’ve learned to embrace my skills and love for art. And I’m loving art classes, where I receive a lot of positive feedback and different advice from my instructors and peers.

However, I’ve also come to a point where I’m unsure of what to do with my life. It’s nothing big, but it’s something to think about. As always, it’s the challenge of finding a balance between my dreams and the financial implications of this pursuit.

I want to stay in school, continue taking art classes, spend the time to develop my skills and technique, maybe go for an art degree.

But I STRONGLY feel the pressures of society (which are self-imposed, of course), that tell me to go get a full-time job, which would take time away from my schooling.

If I look for a job, I would ideally look for a job that would help enhance my knowledge and skills in my art development, but I feel like the only opportunities right now are for people who have a lot more experience in the realm.

Ideally, I’d like to just stay in school and concentrate on at least getting an Associates of Art degree. Maybe later I can take that and transfer to a 4-year college. I’d try to find a part-time job for some income to fund myself.

Financially, though, will it be enough? I need to find ways to support myself while staying on track with my goals as much as possible.

As much as I dislike basing my life around money, I think this moment of unemployment is CRUCIAL for me to budget myself properly, and to truly watch my spending. I need to figure out how to meet more local artists, I need to figure out how to sell my work, and I need to figure out how else I can get funding for my schooling.

I need to reach my goal!

After 20-something years of pushing it off, I’m glad to be in a place where I’m comfortable and KNOW I want to pursue art. Now, I need to find the means to do it.

Do you have suggestions, resources, ideas? I’m 100% open to anything you can share to help me out. I have a long way to go and I’m open to all the help I can get! :)

Additionally, I know I’m fortunate enough to even HAVE this option. I hope and wish everyone could strive for their dreams and actually invest their time in the things they’re most passionate about. But I’m beginning to understand more and more this dance of balancing one’s dreams with the necessity of money in order to achieve those dreams. As much as I hate the interdependency of the two, this has become fervently apparent lately.

I was cleaning the living room with MSNBC on, where they shared feedback from viewers about the Susan Boyle segment they did the day before. They didn’t show her performance, but shared the commentary from a viewer which caught my interest.

The viewer spoke of the hardships of our time right now, and the stress and financial pressures she’s needed to go through in the last few months, with children to take after too. When she saw the Susan Boyle video on the news, it brought a smile to her face. She thanked the newscast for sharing the story and asked that they cover similarly positive stories like this, even to bring a smile to someone’s face for 5 minutes in their day.

This sincere commentary caught my curiosity and I Youtubed “Susan Boyle.”

If you haven’t seen the video yet, you can view it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luRmM1J1sfg

Below are my thoughts and social commentary in response to Susan Boyle’s shocking performance.

Introduction

Unexpectedly, this video greatly affected me. I started crying while watching and continued to cry, 15 minutes after I watched the video. Why did this have such a big impact on me?

Without a doubt, Susan’s singing abilities is extraordinary: grand, beautiful, and precise. The moment she sang her first line, it reminded me of Jodi Benson, the voice actor for The Little Mermaid’s Ariel. When I saw pictures of Ariel’s voice, I was in my teens and was a little shocked that “it was an old lady”! (Perception of “old” was rather skewed back then ;)

There’s two issues that come up for both Susan and Jodi’s examples: the correlations between beauty equating to success, and the preconceived notions of beauty and age. Additionally, the three factors of beauty, success, and age are all related.

Shock

Why is it that we were all shocked the moment Susan sang her first line?

She doesn’t look like everyone else, she’s older, and she’s from a village town. She’s nervous so she stumbles on her words on stage.

Based on previous experiences watching these shows, the editors often depict the abnormal contestants as weird, strange, unappealing to tv audiences, and otherwise unsuccessful. Take a look at the editing, they still made Susan out that way before she began singing. It’s reinforced by the teenage audience member that rolls her eyes, and the middle age woman that’s probably saying, “She’s old; she shouldn’t be up there!”

So then she sang. And it was strong, clear, and elegant. Her voice was so “opposite” of her appearances–or rather, her voice was so opposite of the appearances WE’RE used to seeing.

Beauty and Success

That bubbles down to our concept of beauty and success, both walking hand-in-hand.

Look at all the successful American Idol contestants over the years. All of them have been made-over to be “more presentable” for the mass media. They’ve been cleaned up, styled, and are prim.

Consider the whole idea of make-overs on talk shows and how the audience cheers to reinforce the concept of beauty=success, that now she’ll be able to find the job and man of her dreams with her new look! (Finding a man=success is a topic for another day ;) Magazines, models, celebrities, we hear it all the time about how we’re fed images of beauty. But do we THINK and CONSIDER and DIGEST these things that we internalize every day?

Consider our own individual lives, and how we have to dress up at work. Traditionally, folks at large corporations need to have business attire (though a lot more relaxed in the computer/web company world). White-collar attire vs. blue-collar attire.

I’m not saying that this is bad and we should change it, I’m just saying this is how it IS. We’ve been taught and we are CONSTANTLY taught that beauty equates to success.

Beauty and Age

It’s interesting how our perception of beauty itself has been driven by advertisements, Hollywoodism, and mass media’s goal to just make more money through sexual icons. They all tell us that beauty = youth, and that growing old is NOT beautiful.

Why else would you buy the products that reduce wrinkles? Why else would so many middle age people dye their hair to cover up their grays? Our culture is not very good at embracing aging for what it is.

Most older women want to look young again. Most women in their 20s want to maintain their youth as long as they can. And most teens want to look like what folks in their 20s look like.

Our society’s conception of beauty is in youth.

Proving Us Wrong

For the reasons above, when we initially see people like Susan on tv, we kind of cringe because she wears a plain dress, she hair is flopping all over the place, she just doesn’t look appealing on tv because it’s not what we’re used to. She’s 47, way over the age of most contestants in their teens/20s/30s.

So, people have preconceived judgments and EXPECT and WANT her to fail, because that’s what we’re used to seeing when people like her come on tv. She lacks the media’s ideal beauty aspect altogether, so chances are she’s not gonna do very well.

Wrong. Her voice shook us up, contradicted our expectations and conceptions of how WE think she was going to do. In fact, it’s the contrast of our preconceived notions of her appearance that really brought out the success and talent in her voice.

Lucky for her, she’s good and she had a great performance. Consider what would have happened if she stumbled during her song, or if she got really nervous like most contestants would on stage. She was spared by the spears of judgment that loomed over her, waiting to strike at her fumble.

In a completely different experience, beyond the superficiality of appearances, it was her voice, her talent, and her uplifting personality that brings out the beauty in her now.

Final Thoughts

So, why did I cry for so long? Why was I so touched by her performance?

Yes, it was the obviously moving and inspiring ability of her voice, in addition to the lyrics of the song she sang.

Yes, it was the happiness I felt when she overcame everyone’s negative preconceptions of her, which were solely based off of her appearance and behaviors.

Yes, it was the complete turn around that the judges and audience members experienced, where they all shockingly realized that they were proved wrong.

But I cried also because I realized how we’re SO quick to judge, and we’re SO quick in thinking that we know everything and anything about someone in a span of 60 seconds. And that it’s usually in a negative, put down manner.

And it also made me think about all the people that will NEVER get a chance to succeed because of that, and because of the lack of OPPORTUNITY to even SHOW others that they’re extraordinary. There’s likely someone in a 3rd world country right now who could potentially be THE person to cure cancer, but due to the lack of opportunity, resources, encouragement, and BELIEF, it WON’T happen.

Susan Boyle’s performance brought a lot of positive feelings to me, but it made me understand and realize more clearly the negative implications too.

I think the major lesson for me is that every person has a talent, although it might not be completely developed yet–they need the opportunity, resource, and support for it to show. Also, every person has an opportunity to prove you wrong, so don’t get too comfortable in thinking you know everything about everyone.

Thanks for reading my thoughts and commentary on this topic. I’d love to hear what you thought about her performance too. :)

What have I been up to since being laid off?

The week I came back from Hong Kong, I was laid off. When I got to my art classes, I was 2 weeks behind. It took me about a month to catch up on my assignments.

The classes I’m taking are Color Dynamics, where we learn about the technical aspects of color and their interactions with each other. I LOVE this class, though it requires a lot of work and time to complete all the experiments!

The other class I’m taking is called Figure Sculpting. This class is from 6PM-10PM on Wednesdays, which is a little draining for me. But, I learn an incredible amount every week! It’s great to form, shape, and work with my hands again. This was a great follow-up to the figure drawing classes I’ve taken the last few semesters.

Then, after catching up, I needed to get my web design portfolio and up. So I worked every extra minute on this site’s revamp!

Additionally, I’ve been helping out with a few projects:

• Volunteering for Youth Build Immigrant Power (YBIP)
  YBIP is a local group of Chinese immigrant youth that have been empowering themselves with knowledge of the Oakland Public School System. They have recently been trying to ensure that the A-G Requirements (the requirements for admission to UCs and most colleges) become the high school graduation requirements. (Believe it or not, a lot of students aren’t told that these requirements are different!)

  I’ve been volunteering with a portion of their group called “Art Circle,” where I guided them in forming a Wordpress blog and keeping it up to date. You can check out YBIP’s blog here: http://ybip.wordpress.com/

• Laney College
  The school has been working on a large website revamp–moving into an OpenSource environment (WordPress MU). I’ve been helping with some of their documentation and tutorials for staff and faculty on how to use Wordpress.

So in short, I’ve been keeping myself rather busy!

What I want to do from here

I’m really excited about the future and how I’m in total control of what I want to do. It’s a very relieving and very empowering feeling! A burst of “I’m in charge of my own destiny!!” feeling!

I’m excited to meet new people. I’m excited to reconnect with old friends. I’m excited to build and develop my own designing and art skill sets!!

Here’s some things I have on my list of to-dos!

In the web-world…

• Look for web design jobs!
  That’s right, I’m here to help for any web designing needs that you might have. Just contact me and let me know the scope of your project, and what you’d like me to do. :)
• Create business cards.
  I’ve been collecting and researching business card designs. When meeting folks, I felt so empty handed without something to give them. I need this as part of my personal branding! :)
  Btw, this is an AWESOME collection of business card designs for graphic designers: The Design Cubicle – 50 Creative Business Cards of 50 Graphic Designers
• I will network more on the social web.
  If you’re reading this, I’d love to meet you! Meet me on Twitter! Send me an @craisin reply or a quick message to say hello! :)
• I will begin reviewing on Yelp!
  I currently have 0 reviews, but you can check out my blank site here if you’d like! http://craisin.yelp.com/ Reviewing restaurants has been an important to-do for me. I eat a LOT, and I looovvvee trying new restaurants, so I think I really need to get more into this community.
• Learn more about SEO
• A couple of Craisin.com tasks:
  • Catch up on some posts
    I’ve put off for the sake of getting the redesign out! Including: recap of LaidOff Camp SF, recap of the Super Secret Nintendo Event I attended a few weeks ago!
  • Blog regularly again!
    Goal: post at least once a week!
  • Make my site iphone/mobile phone compatible
    I’ve heard it’s currently all kinds of slow right now! I think this will be a fun design/development project, too.
  • Keep Picasa pics Updated
    Update Picasa photos with some more recent photos, and get back into the habit of doing this often!

Personal To-Dos:

• I should send in my taxes HUHUHUH!
• Since moving in with Brent, I’ve yet to unpack my boxes and completely move some of my other things over.
• Organize my documents and personal files
  • Buy file folders
  • Get a file cabinet — if you have a wooden file cabinet with lock you don’t want, let me know please! :D
  • Buy misc containers Done! :D
• Drawing for roommate Darren!
• Transition from laptop to my desktop to have centralized files.
• Next semester: if time permits, take some web design and/or graphic design classes to develop some more!
• Plan some fun events to reconnect with friends and meet new folks too!

Anything else you may suggest? Are there resources you know about that will help me achieve my goals? I’m open to your thoughts, ideas, and advise! :D

MOVING FROM THE PAST:
The first week of January, I spent prepping my team for my 2-week vacation off in Hong Kong. This week went pretty smoothly as I distributed my Lead tasks off to Will and Hanna, each to be the caretakers of the rest of the team. At the end of that week, my team was cut in half due to layoffs. My last day before Hong Kong was spent mostly adjusting to a huge slash in Operations, something which obviously was an emotional hit for me and the rest of the Leads.

Then, I went to Hong Kong for two weeks for Alex’s wedding, which was great to go back to HK for dedicated SHOPPING time!

NOTE: For those that are looking for an AWESOME place to go shopping in HK (for women’s clothes) I suggest a wholesale market called “Hong Kong Industrial Centre.” Get off at Lai Chi Kok, take the “C” exit, step out of the train station exit and turn around, walk along that side of the block and you’ll see on your left a big huge driveway that says “Hong Kong Industrial Centre”. winner! Clothes there are SUPER cheap because the boutiques buy them from these folks. Also, I didn’t have to bargain or anything since the prices were SO cheap due to the New Years sales. Only problem is that you generally can’t try anything on unless you pay for it; then you can try different sizes or colors–but be sure to ask them to confirm first!

I’m still collecting my bro/mom’s pics to blog about our trip, but to say the least, it was a long time to be spending 24/7 in extremely small quarters with family. We’re all very used to reverting back to our old ways, and I think so much time together makes us forget respect amongst other things. I’ve discovered that my parents are reaching an older age, and they’re not as sharp as they used to be, and that I am often unforgiving of these “flaws” that are uncovered. Embarrassed to admit, my old habits that sometimes resurface are to see these flaws, point them out, and maybe throw some salt on it too. Bad. I know.

I came back from HK and was laid off with the bulk of remaining employees at Embark. I’ve been telling people that I’m okay with it, and that this truly IS an opportunity for me.

INTO A BRAND NEW START:
I’ve started my 2 art classes, “Color Dynamics” and “Figure Sculpting”, which are keeping me busy since I’ve missed a couple of sessions. I absolutely SUX at color and don’t understand the technicalities of when to use what or how they even work. So far, the class has taught me a lot already about how to make some colors pop, or how colors drastically change once placed next to different colors.

Figure Sculpting is fun, being able to play with clay again! I noticed that I really like to keep my clay smooth, while other folks clump their figures together in order to get the mass. I’ve only attended one session so far but I’ll be sure to post pics from both these courses soon.

Also keeping me busy while not in class is working on the redesign for this site. I’ve gotten a lot done now that I have more time to dedicate to it. I’ll be using some hand-drawn illustrations to use as part of the design, but the more I incorporate it into a template, the more I want to just hand-draw the rest of it for consistency. Tempting, but I’m afraid this might take longer and might not be necessary. Right now, I’m just going with the flow to see how things go. One thing for sure: I’m glad I took all the time I needed to “ink” in the pencil sketch I had with the Wacom pad. This proved to save me a lot of time in cropping the pic for web use!

Today was a big milestone for me.

I went home and told my mom and dad that I’ll be moving in with Brent.
Freaking out, my mom’s first reaction was, “Are you planning to like… marry him?”
THANK YOU, TRADITIONAL CHINESE MENTALITY.
Of course, what she was concerned about was what others would think–what other people would say if they found out her daughter was UNMARRIED, living with a MAN. I mean that entails that we’re “DOING IT!!!!!” But to be honest, she was very understanding of it. And although I know that she purely 100% would prefer for me to live home, I appreciate that she was able to try to understand that I’m learning to “grow up” on my own.

The events and course of things that have happened within the last week, I hope that my parents will one day understand and know that I don’t just slack off and spend most of my time on the internet doing nothing, which can easily be their perception. They don’t really know what I do anymore, and I admit that I stopped letting them know. I guess this happened due to repeated dinners with my mom when I’d try to tell a little about my day and it would be overshadowed by her own issues and problems. I stopped being communicative with them when they reverted in treating me like I was still in high school.

Anyway, today, they were very respective and supportive of my decision. Yeah, it’s really not that big of a deal since I’ve mostly been living here most of the time anyway (I’m statistically Brent’s roommate!), but I know to them it is. I anticipate that this will allow me to be friends with my parents again, or at least be on better terms with them.

I feel like this last week was a reawakening of new ideas, putting the problems and challenges of the past behind me. I feel like this dude right now:

Liggghhhttt ouuurrr darrkkkkeeesssst hooouuurrrrrr!!!

Take THAT, Unicron swine!!!