Category Archives: Learning to Grow Up

2009: A Fresh, New Start

A LOT has happened since the beginning of 2009.

MOVING FROM THE PAST:
The first week of January, I spent prepping my team for my 2-week vacation off in Hong Kong. This week went pretty smoothly as I distributed my Lead tasks off to Will and Hanna, each to be the caretakers of the rest of the team. At the end of that week, my team was cut in half due to layoffs. My last day before Hong Kong was spent mostly adjusting to a huge slash in Operations, something which obviously was an emotional hit for me and the rest of the Leads.

Then, I went to Hong Kong for two weeks for Alex’s wedding, which was great to go back to HK for dedicated SHOPPING time!

NOTE: For those that are looking for an AWESOME place to go shopping in HK (for women’s clothes) I suggest a wholesale market called “Hong Kong Industrial Centre.” Get off at Lai Chi Kok, take the “C” exit, step out of the train station exit and turn around, walk along that side of the block and you’ll see on your left a big huge driveway that says “Hong Kong Industrial Centre”. winner! Clothes there are SUPER cheap because the boutiques buy them from these folks. Also, I didn’t have to bargain or anything since the prices were SO cheap due to the New Years sales. Only problem is that you generally can’t try anything on unless you pay for it; then you can try different sizes or colors–but be sure to ask them to confirm first!

I’m still collecting my bro/mom’s pics to blog about our trip, but to say the least, it was a long time to be spending 24/7 in extremely small quarters with family. We’re all very used to reverting back to our old ways, and I think so much time together makes us forget respect amongst other things. I’ve discovered that my parents are reaching an older age, and they’re not as sharp as they used to be, and that I am often unforgiving of these “flaws” that are uncovered. Embarrassed to admit, my old habits that sometimes resurface are to see these flaws, point them out, and maybe throw some salt on it too. Bad. I know.

I came back from HK and was laid off with the bulk of remaining employees at Embark. I’ve been telling people that I’m okay with it, and that this truly IS an opportunity for me.

INTO A BRAND NEW START:
I’ve started my 2 art classes, “Color Dynamics” and “Figure Sculpting”, which are keeping me busy since I’ve missed a couple of sessions. I absolutely SUX at color and don’t understand the technicalities of when to use what or how they even work. So far, the class has taught me a lot already about how to make some colors pop, or how colors drastically change once placed next to different colors.

Figure Sculpting is fun, being able to play with clay again! I noticed that I really like to keep my clay smooth, while other folks clump their figures together in order to get the mass. I’ve only attended one session so far but I’ll be sure to post pics from both these courses soon.

Also keeping me busy while not in class is working on the redesign for this site. I’ve gotten a lot done now that I have more time to dedicate to it. I’ll be using some hand-drawn illustrations to use as part of the design, but the more I incorporate it into a template, the more I want to just hand-draw the rest of it for consistency. Tempting, but I’m afraid this might take longer and might not be necessary. Right now, I’m just going with the flow to see how things go. One thing for sure: I’m glad I took all the time I needed to “ink” in the pencil sketch I had with the Wacom pad. This proved to save me a lot of time in cropping the pic for web use!

Today was a big milestone for me.

I went home and told my mom and dad that I’ll be moving in with Brent.
Freaking out, my mom’s first reaction was, “Are you planning to like… marry him?”
THANK YOU, TRADITIONAL CHINESE MENTALITY.
Of course, what she was concerned about was what others would think–what other people would say if they found out her daughter was UNMARRIED, living with a MAN. I mean that entails that we’re “DOING IT!!!!!” But to be honest, she was very understanding of it. And although I know that she purely 100% would prefer for me to live home, I appreciate that she was able to try to understand that I’m learning to “grow up” on my own.

The events and course of things that have happened within the last week, I hope that my parents will one day understand and know that I don’t just slack off and spend most of my time on the internet doing nothing, which can easily be their perception. They don’t really know what I do anymore, and I admit that I stopped letting them know. I guess this happened due to repeated dinners with my mom when I’d try to tell a little about my day and it would be overshadowed by her own issues and problems. I stopped being communicative with them when they reverted in treating me like I was still in high school.

Anyway, today, they were very respective and supportive of my decision. Yeah, it’s really not that big of a deal since I’ve mostly been living here most of the time anyway (I’m statistically Brent’s roommate!), but I know to them it is. I anticipate that this will allow me to be friends with my parents again, or at least be on better terms with them.

 

I feel like this last week was a reawakening of new ideas, putting the problems and challenges of the past behind me. I feel like this dude right now:


Liggghhhttt ouuurrr darrkkkkeeesssst hooouuurrrrrr!!!

Take THAT, Unicron swine!!!

Layoff Survival Guide!

Taking Yama’s advice, I decided that this information should be posted somewhere, also to ensure that folks can easily access this info.

Per my previous post, I started an email thread with some of my former colleagues yesterday, the day after we all got laid off, so that we could keep in contact with each other, while also pooling our unemployment resources and knowledge together. Here are some things we’ve done and discussed:

1. File for Unemployment IMMEDIATELY

CA Unemployment Webpage: http://www.edd.ca.gov/Unemployment/default.htm

Per batz’s suggestion, it’s important to file for unemployment immediately because it may take a while to process. This takes at least 30 minutes, and wasn’t too difficult to understand/fill out.

Former part-timers: YES, you are eligible for unemployment insurance and you should file ASAP.

One of the questions I got kinda stuck on: Question 33d about the “Wages Earned” for my previous positions. I found my answer here. Since Embark pays out twice a month, I wasn’t sure whether to calculate per week or month. As long as the numbers match, I don’t think it makes a difference.

2. Finding Insurance Coverage

This is different for everyone. So far, it seems like COBRA is extremely expensive for us to afford (I’ve heard that it would be around $300/month for some folks to continue our previous insurance coverage).

One of us was able to find a “temporary” insurance for now with Blue Shield:

Blue Shield was pretty good to me on insurance. I got a plan that has a moderate deductible and high coinsurance BUT allows a few Doctor visits a year for a small copay. Perfect for those without major health ailments in case you want to go to the doctor every so often and be covered in case of an accident. I got Value 900 plan (and the fact that you already HAVE insurance via Embark currently for 2 more days through them could help you get accepted).

Also, regarding paying cash for medical visits:

As for purchasing individual insurance, in my personal experience it actually turns out cheaper to pay cash. Many medical providers have substantial discounts for cash patients.
For instance, [this clinic has] this plan: http://marinermedical.com/vip.htm
There is also this place, although I have never dealt with them: http://www.quickhealth.com/faq.htm

When I was a part-timer, btw, I had insurance with Blue Cross/Shield(?) that was the minimal life insurance that would pay for any emergency hospital fees, but it didn’t include coverage for any doctor visits or medication. That was $62/mo for me, but I’m unsure of the pricing for the plan anymore these days. Also, my dad was able to find this via an agent, so I’m unsure if this is a publicly available plan somewhere.

For the ladies: I was concerned about birth control coverage and someone suggested:

If you go to a free clinic and when filling out the paperwork you just have to indicate that you would like to keep your files confidential and so you would qualify for Health Access Program card. Basically this would cover your prescription costs since the state would pay for it all.

Also regarding birth control coverage: I was talking to another friend regarding birthcontrol coverage, and she reminded me about Planned Parenthood: http://www.plannedparenthood.org. Planned Parenthood is all about providing services to uninsured folks, or at lower prices. (I think I’m gonna find general insurance coverage, and then go to Planned Parenthood for the extra stuff.)

Edit (02/02/09): It is BEST to apply for new insurance so that there are no breaks in-between; applying for continuous insurance coverage may be key to even getting the coverage. Per Scott’s comment below:

If you have any long term conditions that you may need treatment for in the future (and have received treatment for in the past) you should NEVER allow any gaps in insurance. i.e. do not rely on paying cash for medical visits.

If you are ever uninsured for a period however brief, when you apply for insurance in the future, the insurance companies are able to label some things as pre-existing conditions, meaning they will not cover them. They cannot do that if you have continuous coverage.

3. Figuring Out the Severance Package

(Former Part-Timers: we did not get severance packages)

I’ve read this all over the place, and this seems to be one of those huge things to really consider and think through before signing anything.

If you have not seen a separation agreement before, I urge you to read it carefully. There are important rights you are giving up if you sign it. It is very beneficial to Embark for you to sign, thus you should be properly compensated for that. You have 21 days by law to consider your agreement and 7 days AFTER you sign it to re-consider.

A bunch of folks are pooling resources together to visit a labor attorney to help navigate through the separation/severance packages. Former colleagues, if you’re interested in joining us, PLEASE let us know. It will cost a nominal amount if we’re a group.

* Article: Employment Separation Agreements: Should I Take the Bribe to Sign My Employment Separation Agreement?

4. Saving Money

To try to save/make some money, I’ve been researching which have the best interest rate return and found this site: http://www.mymoneyblog.com/online-savings-accounts-and-comparisons

I’m planning to open a savings account with ETRADE for their current 3.01% APY rate, plus they seem to have pretty good reviews. As advised by former colleague:

I use etrade for my savings. Great rate, total liquidity, thumbs up. Only downer is if you need money fast, it takes a few days to transfer out of etrade to your bank (which could be helpful actually for impulsive shopping trips or drunk nights). – so you need to plan ahead of time when you need the money.

Response from another:

Another high interest bank is INGDirect.com – been using them for checking, savings, AND my mortgage… been very happy with their service and rates. They don’t beat ETRADE’s current saving’s account rate though – but have no minimums – and if you’re looking for a high interest checking account, you can’t go wrong with them.

Let me know if anyone’s interested and I can send you a referral email – you’ll get $25 for free for opening an account of at least $250 and I’ll score $10 for referring you.

BTW – having internet banks, while great for interest rates, is not that practical – especially if you need to write out checks (ing only has echecks) or make a bank deposit. I still keep a local free bank account open to work with them for deposits at times that I just later move into my higher interest rate internet bank via their website.

This was helpful for me in deciding.

5. Finding a Job

NETWORK!

* Here’s my LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/estellatse If you’re not sure what LinkedIn is, I recommend it–it’s like a social network site but with your resume, connecting to people you’ve worked with before. People can write recommendations for you there, and it’s otherwise a good resource to see if you know people who know people in places you want to work at.

* Find job fairs in your area – Anyone have a link I can provide here?

* Going to school? Try checking the student center to see if there’s any employment opportunities there that are right for you.

Edit (02/02/09): Sites I learned about from the She’s Geeky event on 01/31/09:

* http://novaworks.org/ — might be geared more towards the Silicon Valley area. Some lady at the session kept stressing this site.

* http://www.indeed.com/ — this apparently searches for results on all the Craigslist, Monster, etc etc. sites AND on the companies’ own job pages. This sounded skeptical to me, that a job search engine would be able to pick up the content from the employers’ sites. It seems like it does (or it just links to their jobs pages). Either way, doesn’t hurt to help searching on this, imo.

* http://startuply.com/ — directory of startup companies, if this is where you want to be.

(More of my commentary about what to do while you’re job-hunting per my comment below: VOLUNTEER!)

6. Interesting and Links I Found Useful

* What to do if you are laid off…
* Got Laid Off? What To Do When You Lose Your Job
* Laid-Off 101: What to do once you’ve been handed a pink slip

* Jobs in a Recession Survey Results 1: Recent Hires Got Jobs Via Referral from Friends, Colleagues, Alumni, or Family
* New Legislative Efforts to Aid Unemployed Californians

Events:
* She’s Geeky: http://shesgeeky.org/
January 30-31, 2009 in Mountain View
Check the website to find out more info about this. Geeky tech women! w00t!

* Peninsula Job Fair – (Gov’t Jobs?) http://sfbay.craigslist.org/pen/gov/1011802508.html
February 3, 2009: 10am – 3pm
Please see link for more info.

* LaidOffCampSF: http://laidoffcamp.com/
Tue, March 3 in SF
LaidOffCampSF is like BarCamp, where basically a bunch of people get together and talk and gather together to talk about topics/sessions that are created that morning. It’s like a day-conference where the attendees create the agenda and topics that they want for the day.

Phew! Hopefully I was able to capture most everything we discussed in the thread. PLEASE continue the thread via comments here–I think it would be helpful not just for us, but for any visitors during this downtime to use this info too. (Also, this is easier than adding people to the email thread, kakaka)

If comment thread goes well, I’ll keep the above updated!

Goodluck and THANKS everyone for all your help! <3

My Nor-Cal Moving Box

I was walking down the street Wednesday night, from the office to Montgomery BART station. I was crossing the street at Battery and Bush, where I made eye contact with a man holding an Iron Mountain file storage box. I thought to myself, “Is he one too?” We crossed our ways and I carried my ridiculously heavy Nor-Cal moving box the rest of the way down to BART.

I mean, it really wouldn’t have been so heavy if I took stuff home every so often, but nooooo. Pictures, toys, gadgets, pads and tampons, snacks, Taco Bell hot sauce (??), running shoes (?!?), 40lbs (no exaggeration) of red and pink color paper used to make LAST year’s Valentine’s Day baskets–okay seriously, I really should have brought that paper home a LONG time ago. Either way, with only one box handle left, I lugged it back to Brent’s place on my own.

Wednesday night, I got laid off from my 1 year 4ish months at Embark.

Actually, almost everyone got laid off from Embark. It’s not a question of who got released, but who is actually still left. Ops is down to like 10 people; Product is Janelle and Patson; and slimmed all across the board. Shocked and in disbelief, the bulk of us packed our stuff, teary eyed, blue separation package folders in hand.

The thought that struck me the most is that Embark will never be the same. Our casual and startup-like culture really brought us together like a true family. It hits home to realize that these people I’ve grown to love, I’ll never see and interact with them the same way on a daily basis anymore. SKim was on his way out with a smirk on his face (jerk, hahah), and I have to admit that it broke my heart a little to know that I won’t get to see his Nacho Cheese face as often anymore, if even at all. I hugged him and didn’t let go.

I needed to get out of there so I wouldn’t have to endure every exit. On my way out, I saw Kasia with a blue folder, and Mary, and Christine too. I needed to leave before knowing who else got blue folders.

So, I lugged my box home.

I didn’t cry.

I anticipated something like this would happen, and since my return from Hong Kong (recap to come soon), I had already ran through my mind all the things I needed to do to prepare IF I were to get laid off. It was partially a joke on my return on Monday that I’d push off any meetings until I made all the photocopies, printed all docs, saved all my logs/personal emails/files before meeting with Eric and Brent for my check-in. I did all that, and because my conversion from Full-Time to Part-Time employee was this week, I already did all my errands early in the week to use up the rest of my insurance coverage, which goes until Jan 31st. I got lucky in mentally preparing for all this.

At 8PMish, Brent came back, and he was more down than me. I’d imagine that the folks that remain at Embark feel guilty for some reason, but… this wasn’t any of our fault. This wasn’t our call, nor was it in any of our control. It was a long trying day, and we passed out (after watching LOST, of course).

Yesterday morning came, and it really hit me hard. I’m dumb. If I stayed a Full-Timer, I know I would have been one of them to stay; if not, I would at least have severance. If I could stay, I would have insurance to cover for my prescriptions, which cost 3x as much without insurance. But Brent consoled me, assuring that it’s not better staying–there’s a huge increase of work and responsibilities for each person, and I wouldn’t be able to do my artwork.

It’s true. I’d rather concentrate on my art.
I’m 2 weeks behind in my art classes and I need to catch up.
I need to concentrate on my art classes so I can build up my foundational knowledge and skills; I need this to be where I want to be for web designing and anything else I want to do beyond.

First thing I did yesterday morning, Day 1 of Unemployment, I started an email thread with some folks who were laid off. I didn’t have everyone’s personal email addresses, and only started the thread with about 5 people, sharing with them some of my resources and information. The thread grew, and each of us are still sharing our daily finds–how to file for unemployment, different insurance finds, best place to put our money to get interest back, and where to search for jobs. This was extremely helpful for a lot of us, and I’ll post the info up soon.

I’m not sure if the guy holding a box at Montgomery and Bush was laid off too, carrying his box of belongings home too. All I know is that there’s hundreds of people getting laid off every day now, and this has finally hit home for us at Embark.

This is a tough and trying time, but this is NOT impossible.

There’s SO much work to do now, but I’m taking this as an opportunity to do what I truly want to do. My main goal is to focus on my art classes as my 1st priority; then to finish my website revamp -_-; then to find web design/maintenance projects to work on as a part-time (please let me know if you know of any!)

The Story So Far

Incoming sappy blog post. I’m long overdue for a relationship post… so here’s my update.

A lot has happened this year, and it’s weird in retrospect. It feels like I went through so much this year, but where I am now is almost physically in the same place where I started off. Just that I carry more knowledge now.

Undoubtedly, 2008 has been a year of figuring out what it is I want in my life. It’s been a whole saga of me not knowing what I want, choosing a path, and THEN understanding the consequences of my decision.

For instance: Work. I wanted this Leads position. I jumped into it, saying to myself that I could stick it through and just DEAL with it. And so I did. And as a result of the stress and amount of time and dedication required for a role I don’t find much satisfaction or accomplishment in, I feel like I lost a big chunk of the characteristics and spirit that I feel makes me who I am. I came to this realization not too long ago, and I’m taking the actions I need to do to make sure I’m happy. I’m going back to how I first started off the year, but now knowing a lot more clearer what it is that I want out of this job, and what it is that I need to succeed. The consequences of my decision to become a Lead came out to be a lot more negative than I initially anticipated.

Next, the choices I made this year about relationships.

Only some people know what went through my mind back in March when I broke up with Henry, but even then, did I trick myself into thinking that it was a choice independent from my attraction to Brent? Probably. Did I consciously make that decision then? Past-Estella would say no to preserve dignity and a clean conscious. But truth is, it was probably a huge influence on my decision. But truth is… I was trying to figure out what I wanted.

I thought I wanted the ideal romance, the picture-perfect moments, the Disney princess stories that felt so good with Henry. Those times really WERE those perfect moments. But… is that something that I truly wanted? Was that the ONLY thing that I wanted? A sense of PERFECTION?

There were a lot of factors leading to my decision: I felt like I was losing the feeling of independence that I was accustomed to while Henry was in SoCal and I was scared of the uncertainty of him moving back here to Norcal; Our styles were very different, though it taught me a tremendous amount. I’m fast, and I panic. He’s calm and relaxed. For me, I had a lot of internal battles of whether or not to calm down, or to go with my natural instincts; And yes, Brent was a factor. I knew I liked him. And with that fact alone, it was unfair to lie and stay committed to Henry when I knew that I wasn’t giving my all. Thus, the decision I made.

And yes, afterwards, I hung out with Brent… a lot. I didn’t want a “relationship”, nor did I want anything serious. We had a conversation about this and I told him I don’t want labels. If I begin labeling relationships, I fall into those stereotypical roles, which usually turns sour. So, we agreed to just be the “close friends” that we are, sharing a tremendous amount of common interests, values, and teaching each other along the way.

This whole time, I’ve maybe only awkwardly referred to him as my “boyfriend” once to like… my grandma or something. Introducing him to new people kind of leaves me stunned when I’m not sure who to introduce him as, so all I say is, “This is Brent.” I don’t like calling him my boyfriend; I don’t really feel comfortable saying that he’s the person I’m dating. I’ve successfully steered clear of these labels this whole time! Otherwise, everyone else just makes up their own labels, which is fine. It really doesn’t really matter what everyone thinks. I’ve really come to realize how much it really IS about what it is that he and I think, what he and I KNOW.

Subsequently, my own personal goal has been to befriend his closest friends more so they won’t refer to me as “Brent’s girlfriend” or something. …I have labelphobia syndrome.

Brent and I have a LOT in common, and we have a lot to talk about with each other: from comic book knowledge, to LGBT history, to the impending doom of 2012, to serious business plans, to ways to improve, progress, and succeed in our own individual lives. The first time I spoke to him, he had the LOST Season 1 DVD on his desk and I gasped and pointed at it, asking: “Are you caught up or are you catching up?” And so began our frequent LOST conversations, which we realize we’re 100% fanatics at to the extent that we knew more about the show than our LOST tour guide in Hawaii last month.

Because I was dedicated to Henry when I started at Embark, I ended up building a really strong and firm friendship with Brent, which is still the main core of our bond. Totally a 180 from the interaction rate with Henry, I pretty much see Brent every day. I know… gross… I’ve become one of THOSE. Surprisingly, we don’t ever run out of stuff to talk about. And even though we see each other so often, we’re very respectful of each other’s individual time alone, and pretty communicative about each other’s needs and wants.

I’ve been EXTREMELY happy with the time I get to spend with Brent. There’s always an on-going competition, and new trend/interests/challenge every week. Last week was totally NES flashback week + reading Watchmen. He sucks at the out-of-state license plate game, and he always loses the Jinx-calling game too. He pretty much owes me a life supply of rootbeer floats because I’m so good.

I’ve had some tough months with work and I’ve found more comfort hanging out with coworkers during my free time because we all have the common understanding of the extent of how shitty our situations can get on a day-to-day basis… A sense of respect and companionship that is hard to explain to people who don’t work with us. I’ve become very distant from my parents and family, and haven’t really been hanging out with my friends much. I admit that I’ve been spending most of my time with Brent, finding new furniture and such for his new place.

I’ve been having a great time, but I know it’s time I should buckle down and figure out my own individual goals and tasks. Gotta find the balance again.

Anyway, I jumped into a decision and I feel that this was a good decision that I made, understanding my needs and what it is I wanted. It wasn’t all flowery and pretty, and I carried a lot of guilt for a long time, some of which I still have, but I still trust that it was good decision that I made.

You know, the weird thing is… I was looking at some recent pics of Marco lately, and I can see how incredibly happy he’s been with Coleen after we were together, and I felt a great sense of understanding and appreciation. And I also felt a sense of peace: with our past, with his bond with Coleen, with myself, with my bond with Brent. I used to feel a lot of angst, even years afterwards, bitter about how I failed. I’m just so grateful for all the place that I’m at now. I’ve done a complete 180 from where I used to be, and I’m appreciative of every step that it took to get here, acknowledging how much of an impact we have on the lives that we touch along the way.

Thanks for contributing to these chapters in my life, for changing me for the better, and for being the foundation for the rest of things to come.


Newport Beach, CA – 5/24/08

I can’t remember the time or place,
or what you were wearing.
It’s unclear about how we met,
all I know it was the best conversation that I’ve ever had.
To this day I never found someone,
with eyes as wide as yours.
I’ve been searching up and down this coast,
overlooking what I need the most.
      — New Found Glory, The Story So Far