Hypocrisy. In actuality, I don’t know it is that I actually want. I know who I want to be–me, but even then I’m not sure I actually do, or if I even know how to be me anymore. I’ve been running a lot from myself lately. I know I’ve been distracting myself to not deal with my choices, to not face the issues at hand. They’re not urgent, but I know they have to be dealt with.

I woke in the middle of the night, haunted by my own thoughts. I couldn’t sleep. I tried to stop running away from my thoughts–just STICK to that one thought. Just STICK with it and come to TERMS with it. But I kept running. Immediately, I’d start thinking about something a lot more comfortable. And in the darkhole of my room, I thought I saw the ghost of you, right there. Right at my door. I didn’t see anything, but I could feel your eyes of judgment staring me down. I turned to face my wall, I pulled the sheets over my head, and I retreated into my thoughts of comfort at least until the daytime.

It’s been difficult to distinguish between my dreams and reality these days. Did this happen yesterday? Oh wait. That was in a dream… right?? Where have I been? Am I doing the right thing? It’s always the same question. It’s such a…. stupid… question. It’s such a WRONG question.

I’m a little exhausted. I DON’T want to deal. I’m done explaining. I mean… is there really anything to deal with? What is there to prove when people have already formed their thoughts, when they’ve all formed their own conclusions and their own judgment of… well… me?

Selfishness. If I stayed, I would have been lying. If I didn’t tell him, I would have been LYING, goddamnit. I didn’t MEAN for it to happen this way, and I didn’t MEAN for things to happen like THIS. You can’t control your feelings–you can’t just turn things on and off like that. Why does everyone always strive to be honest when honesty only makes you the bad guy? WHY does there have to be a bad guy and a good guy? Things just aren’t as black and white as that. …right? I did what I FELT was the right thing. I’m not good at lying. I’m just not. I just can’t.

Is there really anything to run from? This is all just internal guilt. I can’t stand the idea of being considered a bad person–it eats away at me like a virus. There: for anyone that ever wants to get at me, there’s your opening.

Is there really anything left to deal with? What’s done is done. What’s the point when they won’t want to open their ears to listen, anyway? The judgment and the criticism has already been formed. Maybe I’m being a coward. Maybe I’m just as scared as I was last night. Maybe I’m living in my own denial. …What should I do? I don’t think there’s anything else to do–anything else would be an act of me salvaging my own reputation. Why does that matter, right? I did what I felt was right. I did what I felt was TRUE. I don’t regret my decisions. I don’t think about the ‘what ifs.’ I know what I did was what I wanted to do.

“Utter disregard for other people’s emotions.” That stings. Maybe it seems that way. But if that were true, I would have continued on pretending.

… Is this defensive talk? Maybe I’m being a coward. Maybe I’m just as scared as I was last night. Maybe I’m living in my own denial.

One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time. Happy place, happy place, happy place…

What ever it may be: distractions, running away, taking me away from it all… Thanks for keeping me sane.

Quite possibly the worst Jackie Chan ever. It once was dubbed worst movie of all time in my books, but I think that’s been dethroned lately.

Waking up this morning, I couldn’t help but to think of the idea of dopplegangers: that somewhere out there, there is someone that looks identically like you, but one of you is the good one and one of you is the bad one. If you are ever to meet, the world would explode kinda thing. Waking up this morning, I really couldn’t help but to feel like the bad one.

“Am I a bad person?” And so it goes, slowly eating away at me while I sit in the back of a strangers car every morning.

Life has gotten more and more complicated these last few months that it’s hard to determine what is right and what is wrong. There’s so much gray area. I guess that’s what “growing up” is all about: situations aren’t as formulaic and concrete as they were before. Life is rarely about blacks and whites now.

But despite everything, the thing I know 100% is that family and friends come first.

I’ve lost track of a lot of things. I think it’s time to review some of my notes from college.

Today is a winding road that’s taking me to places that I didn’t want to go
Today in the blink of an eye I’m holding on to something and I do not know why
I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation
For what I’m feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there’s a way out

Spring time is a WEIRD time. A LOT of things change with the forces of nature around us. For one thing, I can’t stop sneezing. And my eyes are itchy like crazy. This is also the time when I get the slightly mild eczema under my knees and around my armpits. (Attractive. I know.)

“I just don’t want you to make a mistake,” she says. “You’re older now. You can make your own choices.”

Yes. Yes I can. The more and more I “grow up”–wait, is that even the right word? The more and more I get older, the more and more I’m expected and reminded to take more responsibility over the choices that I make in my own life. But I guess I’m worried that that doesn’t necessarily mean that the choices I’m making in my life are ones that are better than some I would have made in the past.

I mean what if I really haven’t matured that much at all? What if I really haven’t “grown up” at all? I feel like I’m still making the same decisions. I feel like I’m still making the same “mistakes.” The only thing different now is that I have brand new justifications for it. The only thing different now is that I’ve found more excuses to justify my redundant, irrational(?) choices in order to shape it into something that is seemingly different.

(Is this even true at all? What if it all IS something new and different? At what point will I give myself more credit and actually start trusting in my own decisions without the need for constant reassurance?)

There’s a huge chunk of my life that I can’t share with her. She wouldn’t understand. Heck, not even all of my friends would understand.

But with all of this, do I even understand what the hell is going on now?

Things won’t change unless you change things yourself. And if the result is always ending up the same way, maybe there’s something that needs to be changed in the process, prior to anything else. We SO easily fall into a hole of comfort, doing what we’re used to. Can I really take on a challenge to do something DIFFERENT from my own habits? After all these years? Can I really BREAK FREE? … do I even WANT to?

It’s always for the greater picture. It’s always for the betterment of EVERYONE.

But I’m just SO selfish. I can’t help but to indulge in my OWN immediate priorities.

Is this how I want to live my life?

Is this how I was raised to live my life?

Does this go along with my foundational VALUES?

Do I even trust myself in my own decisions anymore? When did I start doubting again everything I’ve been doing?

Why can’t I just WANT to conform with how everyone else functions?

Why can’t I just WANT the things that people expect me to WANT?

Why can’t I just BE someone else?

But regardless of this confusion and blurry path ahead of me, I know that I’m enjoying every ounce of it. So why can’t I just come to terms with my present happiness? Why does this happiness make me uneasy and paranoid of this being the WRONG choice, of this being the tip of an iceberg of some huge detrimental part of my life?

Springtime draws out the ambition within us. It makes you believe that it’s a chance for you to revive yourself. It makes you believe that you can do anything you want—so optimistic that it’s almost a sense of false hope. It makes you take great leaps that you wouldn’t dream of doing any other time of the year. As a result, I’ve found it harder and harder to trust myself nowadays.

Hello.

A tremendous amount of… challenging… things have been occurring this whole month.

A lot of my past has caught up to me. And I’ve also been making a lot of revisions in my own life, slowly but surely. But mostly, my past has caught up to me.

It’s one of those situations where I really don’t have anyone to blame for myself, and although I still do not regret the things I’ve done, I simply know that I have to take full responsibility for the decisions I’ve made and for the paths that I’ve chosen. And I do. I never thought it would be an easy course, but I guess I never really considered that it would be a tough one either. That was the ignorance on my part.

More than ever, I’m truly beginning to see again how important it is to really live one’s life to the fullest. I’ve kind of lost sight of that ever since I’ve started working, living the mundane life. Although I appreciate the structure and stability that comes with my life now, it pressures me to max out my weekends as my only time for “freedom,” a type of STRUCTURED and PREDICTABLE freedom, even. But even that suffices at times. It really makes me appreciate and cherish the weekends.

I’ve been feeling stuck, and unable to really do what I’ve been wanting to do. I guess I’ve been reminiscent of my extreme freedom during my last two years of college. There’s SO much of the world to explore, and there’s SO much to see. I love the idea of exploring. I love the sense of NOVELTY, even if I deliberately set it up myself to seem like something new. I still LOVE that feeling.

A lot has happened. And I really can’t blame these things on anyone else but myself.

And through the course of it all, through EVERYTHING, I know now more than EVER that my friends and family are the one most central factor of my being. It’s times like these where I open myself up and I let them see my weaknesses, open heart, open soul, allowing them to judge and abandon me like some others have done in the past. But… they don’t. They stay right here. They stay right here. Unafflicted. They even laugh at me for thinking that they’d actually think of me differently. Unconditional love. I guess they really do know me better than myself. What can really surprise them at this point, right?

More than ever, I know they are the most important aspect in my life. I love you all, and I know you know it. You know I’d take a bullet and more for every one of you. You know that you all hold a (large) place in my heart where no one else would ever come close to replacing or even come close to challenging. I wouldn’t be who I am without you. I wouldn’t be where I am without you. And I wouldn’t be able to give you the love I do without the love that you give to me. I love you. I love you. I love you. And you know it.

Thank you. for everything. I love you SO much.