Category Archives: Learning to Grow Up

Paint it red

“There may be times, certainly, when being a member of an organization seems bothersome and we just want to be alone. But how sad it is if we are left alone without any support and then lose our faith. True growth comes from striving together with our fellow members in the living realm of human beings, experiencing the rich gamut of human emotions.”

Cold night at Twin Peaks

“It doesn’t matter in what area, just keep working on your personal revolution to transform and improve yourself in the way most natural for you. The important thing is that you change in some positive way. There is surely no more exhilarating a life than one in which we write our own unique history of human revolution each day. And the growth and transformation we achieve in this way can convince people of [our greatness and personal achievement] more eloquently than anything else.”
- Daisaku Ikeda

Self-Reflection – 10/9/2007

With the experiences I’ve grown so greatly from these last few years, I’ve really come to appreciate that change is often one of the best things for me. Sometimes, things happen without any plan or preparation. Learn to cut the rope, right? All your life, people teach you to prepare for college, to prepare for work. No one ever teaches you how to prepare to abandon ship. One of the greatest times of growth came after one of the biggest downfalls in my life. A LOT has happened in the last few months and I hope that this will be the opportunity for another advantageous growth spurt.

I do web development work at a company that makes college applications online now, something that I find to be really interesting, stimulating, and challenging. I feel that when it comes to choosing a job, I often underestimate myself and I doubt my own abilities. Maybe for that reason, I’ve never had a job where I truly feel like there’s a lot of room for me to cultivate my skills, where I can really push myself to see how far I can go. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’ve been here for less than a month so I can barely say what this place has to offer me. But I guess what’s different this time is that I actually feel 100% optimistic that I can GROW–mentally, skillfully, dynamically. Let’s hope I’m right. If not, I’m already working on another game plan that I finally realize is something a lot greater than I’ve ever considered…

Additionally, I’ve been serious about setting up goals for myself every week and actually accomplishing these goals. (The key is to make LISTS! and to cross things OFF!) Yesterday, I’ve signed up for a tour of CCA later on this month to hopefully get me started in researching a little bit more about what I want to pursue. Again, I’m feeling really optimistic that I can accomplish a tremendous amount in the next two to three months. I’m feeling really GOOD about all these things. (The trick is to accomplish as much as possible individually while the boyfriend is away!)

Productivity feels GOOD.

Accomplishments feel GOOD.

Gaining back the tummy I lost in a week of diligence due to two days of feasting is NOT COOL.

Hey girl, I’m baking a cake and it tastes kinda bitter. Can you put your finger in it for the right amount of sweetness? Last day @ GSA with my Rooms He misses my PMSing. First Rain in SF Vdawg AJ & E-jeh He totally loves my attention. 1:56:700. I still lose. The New People Ring of Chicken. The Oracle Plane. Condemned to the Sun!

“We have to go BACK!”

Happy Autumn Moon Festival Day or whatever it is–I dunno… that day when you eat mooncakes or whatever.

Continuing with two posts ago… big changes are in play.

One of them is the fact that I’ve been eating out every night for the last month and half with the exception of like five nights since Henry’s been back home. My, my, we do LOVE to eat, don’t we? Not to mention that he’s long since discovered that the key to my heart is food. Yum yum.

With that said, I just had my annual physical check-up and surprise surprise, I’ve gained 10 lbs in the last year. Haaaaaahahaha. Anyway. Starting next week, I’m determined to start jogging the Lake again.

Also along the lines of self-improvement, I gotta start learning how to save money better. I need to start budgeting my money if I’m intent on saving money to go to school again. Despite popular belief, I do pay my parents for rent. And with my dinky little paycheck, I pay them about 20% of my monthly income. The rest? Commuting costs, and food food food. For the sake of my health and my wallet, I really NEED to stop eating so much. And I really need to start dedicating a specific portion of my paychecks to go directly to savings or I’m never gonna get anywhere at this point. Maybe I can even come up with a $ goal for each month. Which also means I need to not go out as much and just be at home (Double Dash challenges are welcome to entertain me).

To be honest, I’ve been trying to implement these things for a while but man every time I’m about to start, I keep making exceptions like “Oh, well this big event is coming up, I’ll just wait until after that.” And then another big event comes up, etc. I totally need to get back to being self-disciplined.

There’s also a few other things I need to do to get started with the art stuff: talk to an art school admissions counselor [goal date to be set], enroll in art class for next semester [tbd], make two more pieces for my portfolio by the end of the year [Dec 2007], go check out National Portfolio Day [Jan 2008].

I should also start eating fruit every day and being strict about my sleep times again.

That should be enough for me to handle for a while. Now… onto the goodies. Things to look forward to:

  • Late-Oct/Early-Nov — Possible socal trip?
  • Nov 30-Dec 3 — Bday in Vegas?
  • Dec 11 — LOST Season 3 DVDs! >:O~
  • Early 2008 — Mario Kart for the Wii!!
  • Feb 2008 –LOST Season 4 BEGINS!
  • Sometime 2008 — The Sixth Album O_O_O_O_O
  • ??? — my hair will finally get long

I’m glad that Heroes is back to have a weekly thing to look forward to again, but kinda not because it totally ties me down! I’ve seriously been going through some major Lost withdrawals tho… I mean, I had a dream the other night that I was sooooo pissed off at Locke because he killed someone, and I got washed away in some lake and while I was underwater, I saw that the Others were watching me. *shudder* It needs to come back soooooonnn!!

Maps

Kate

And to follow up on the last post about Mario Kart… slowly cutting off a few seconds every time… I’m gonna rock you, Peacock.

Sept 2007 Yoshi Circuit Records

You totally came and left… (that’s what she said.)

Every so often, I come home, turn on my computer, sign onto IRC to go to my regular channels to find that someone I know passed away.

Everytime, it’s the weirdest feeling. Sure, I’ve never met 90% of these people in person but when you’ve been chatting with them for the last few months, years, and some even a decade now, it definitely isn’t some whatever relationship that should be undervalued. Most people I know wouldn’t really… get… the situation really…

[22:37] <Scorpion> You pick and ill follow.
[22:37] <hotm4mlolz> THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
[22:37] <hotm4mlolz> LAWLZ
[22:37] <NyquiL> oh christ
[22:37] <NyquiL> dazo come back
[22:37] <NyquiL> i don’t know how to work this damn thing
[22:37] <hotm4mlolz> you know you love me.
[22:37] <NyquiL> ^
[22:37] <Scorpion> You miss your lover already?
[22:37] <Scorpion> He just left =]
[22:37] <NyquiL> you missed it crai
[22:37] <hotm4mlolz> YOU KNOW I MADE YOU SMILE
[22:37] <NyquiL> you missed it crai
[22:37] <hotm4mlolz> DON’T LIE TO YOURSELF ANYMORE
[22:37] * hotm4mlolz is now known as Craisin
[22:37] <NyquiL> i don’t know how to work this damn thing
[22:38] <NyquiL> total set up
[22:38] <NyquiL> and you dropped the ball
[22:38] <Craisin> hmm? i dont care
[22:38] <Craisin> :)
[22:38] <NyquiL> you know you do

[15:08] <NyquiL> yawn
[15:15] <nignite> yawwwwww
[15:15] <nignite> n
[15:16] <NyquiL> that’s what she said
[15:23] <Craisin> my roommate got me a shirt that says “that’s what she said”
[15:23] <Craisin> ahhahaha
[15:23] <NyquiL> shameless exploitation
[15:24] <Craisin> i’m not exploiting anything~~~
[15:24] <nignite> thats terrible cray
[15:24] <nignite> burn that shirt
[15:24] <NyquiL> shameless!
[15:24] <nignite> burn!
[15:25] <NyquiL> man i’ve got some bad beer shits
[15:26] <nignite> sucks
[15:26] <nignite> no beer for me last night cuz of todays game
[15:26] <nignite> and now i wish
[15:26] <nignite> i was drunk last night..
[15:26] <Craisin> hey nyquil
[15:26] <Craisin> wanna do the great gorilla run with me and my friends
[15:27] <nignite> BUT TONIGHT IM GETTIN DRUNK INSTEAD!!!!
[15:27] <nignite> HEHEHEHE’
[15:27] <Craisin> http://www.greatgorillarun.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=223430
[15:29] * nignite (~BeeBop@bas7-toronto12-1096781281.dsl.bell.ca) Quit (Read error: Connection reset by peer)
[15:31] <NyquiL> hmm
[15:32] <NyquiL> haha
[15:32] <NyquiL> that looks awesome
[15:33] <Craisin> i’m trying to come up with a team name for my friends and i
[15:33] <Craisin> i cant think of one!
[15:34] <NyquiL> man if i can i’ll come, stay at my friend’s place it’s right down the street from golden gate park
[15:39] <NyquiL> and yeah i can’t think of a name either…
[15:39] <NyquiL> not something you really prepare your mind for
[15:39] <Craisin> hahahahah
[15:39] <Craisin> i wanna come up with something punnnnyyyy
[15:40] <Craisin> i’m waiting for my friends ideas before i start a team
[15:40] <Craisin> anyhow i’l llet you know when i set stuff up and you can decide if you wanna run with me or not
[15:40] <Craisin> and if you’re afraid of seeing me
[15:40] <Craisin> i’ll be in a gorilla suit
[15:40] <Craisin> :~~(((
[15:40] <NyquiL> don’t worry i can pick you out
[15:40] <Craisin> you wont have to look at mai face :’0~~~~~
[15:40] <NyquiL> of a group of 1000 gorillas
[15:40] <NyquiL> that look exactly the same
[15:40] <Craisin> hahahaha

[18:50] <Craisin> (hey nyquil i was over in sausalito yesterday and i thought about how i still dunno where you are)
[18:50] <MisTa> papa john’s is gonna be here and i dont wanna watch tb
[18:50] <Craisin> <3
[18:50] <MisTa> tv*
[18:50] <NyquiL> hah
[18:50] <NyquiL> glad to know you think about a total stranger
[18:51] <NyquiL> creepy
[18:51] <Craisin> SECONDARY E-FRIEND
[18:51] <Craisin> FOOL
[18:51] <MisTa> lol
[18:51] <NyquiL> it all boils down to stranger
[18:52] <Craisin> k fine, i’ll never try to remember where you’re located
[18:52] <Craisin> ever again

The Bay Bridge was closed all of last weekend so I had to take the Golden Gate through the North Bay to get back home. I saw Larkspur on the way back and I figured I’d come back and tell you that I finally knew where you are now! Jerkface.

There. I made the name of this entry one that actually works. Happy? That’s what she said jokes just won’t be the same anymore… but I’ll keep saying them wrong… just to spite you. <3

R.I.P. dear friend.

My head hurts.

This heat has been getting to me. I wake up with headaches in the middle of the night. It’s been happening for the last three nights. And it hurts even more now. I ‘spose that’s not good.

I really can’t figure out a lot of things. After all these years, I still don’t know why I do the things I do. Yes, I know I’m good at making friendships. But I’m also very good at knowing exactly what to do to mess everything up. I’ve done it all the time. And never do I really think it through.

Just like how I’m really good at striking up a really easy going conversation, I just the same am really good at striking up the most hurtful things.

That is the thing I hate the most about myself. After all these years, it’s been proven in just this one day that I really haven’t grown up at all. I’m really as immature as I was three, five, six years ago.

… This headache really isn’t letting go. It’s like this throbbing at the lower back of my skull…

Maybe it’s a powertrip that I get on. Maybe it’s some sick idea that I find pleasure in knowing that I have complete control over these situations and I can flex it however I’d like. I mean… plenty of people do it all the time. But to be honest… I don’t really know if I truly DON’T find pleasure in it… I mean… what if I really do? I suppose that makes me a bad person.

Sometimes I know I’m wrong, and I still do it anyway. Sometimes I know it’s going to be a stab, but I still do it anyway. I’m just as stubborn as the people that I hate. I guess I don’t know why I find a need to prove the point that I need to prove. I have so much pride that I just can’t LOSE. I hate being looked down on… I hate the idea of being taken advantage of. I’m just SO defensive and I just won’t back down. God… this is SUCH an internal problem…

I’ve reverted back.

No, it’s merely been repressed and I really haven’t gotten any better at all. It’s tough. And it’s so fucking frustrating. It’s just so FRUSTRATING. I’ve spent the last year trying to change… I’ve spent the last year slowly unlearning all the automatic reactions I always did before. All the snappy comments, all the rude words, all the bad tones. I thought I’ve gotten a lot better. I thought I’ve really grown. But I hate that I still have so much of that energy still in me.

I’m one of those people that need constant positive feedback in order to know, in order to lose the doubts, that I’m doing well. This has been an internal struggle that so very few people know about that I never have any outside indication of whether or not I’m doing well or not. The only way I know is by the amount of time between one negative outburst to the next. I suppose I should know and trust my own instincts but… how do I do that when I’m the one fighting with myself? And I don’t even know if it’s gotten better or if I’m simply repressing it to let it all come out in one big event…

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to get better. How does one unlearn and reverse something that has been learned since they were 8 years old?

They said what I did today was brave to do. But they don’t know that… sadly enough… I’m used to making up. So many times now I’ve had to undo the things I’ve said and done. Yes, I learn every time. And yes, I truly feel regretful, guilty, shameful, and immature every time. I guess I’ve learned to be good at apologizing. I’ve always been lucky though… I’ve always had the fortune of having forgiving people around me.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

Please understand that I’m a child still learning how to grow up.