Category Archives: Relationships

2009: A Fresh, New Start

A LOT has happened since the beginning of 2009.

MOVING FROM THE PAST:
The first week of January, I spent prepping my team for my 2-week vacation off in Hong Kong. This week went pretty smoothly as I distributed my Lead tasks off to Will and Hanna, each to be the caretakers of the rest of the team. At the end of that week, my team was cut in half due to layoffs. My last day before Hong Kong was spent mostly adjusting to a huge slash in Operations, something which obviously was an emotional hit for me and the rest of the Leads.

Then, I went to Hong Kong for two weeks for Alex’s wedding, which was great to go back to HK for dedicated SHOPPING time!

NOTE: For those that are looking for an AWESOME place to go shopping in HK (for women’s clothes) I suggest a wholesale market called “Hong Kong Industrial Centre.” Get off at Lai Chi Kok, take the “C” exit, step out of the train station exit and turn around, walk along that side of the block and you’ll see on your left a big huge driveway that says “Hong Kong Industrial Centre”. winner! Clothes there are SUPER cheap because the boutiques buy them from these folks. Also, I didn’t have to bargain or anything since the prices were SO cheap due to the New Years sales. Only problem is that you generally can’t try anything on unless you pay for it; then you can try different sizes or colors–but be sure to ask them to confirm first!

I’m still collecting my bro/mom’s pics to blog about our trip, but to say the least, it was a long time to be spending 24/7 in extremely small quarters with family. We’re all very used to reverting back to our old ways, and I think so much time together makes us forget respect amongst other things. I’ve discovered that my parents are reaching an older age, and they’re not as sharp as they used to be, and that I am often unforgiving of these “flaws” that are uncovered. Embarrassed to admit, my old habits that sometimes resurface are to see these flaws, point them out, and maybe throw some salt on it too. Bad. I know.

I came back from HK and was laid off with the bulk of remaining employees at Embark. I’ve been telling people that I’m okay with it, and that this truly IS an opportunity for me.

INTO A BRAND NEW START:
I’ve started my 2 art classes, “Color Dynamics” and “Figure Sculpting”, which are keeping me busy since I’ve missed a couple of sessions. I absolutely SUX at color and don’t understand the technicalities of when to use what or how they even work. So far, the class has taught me a lot already about how to make some colors pop, or how colors drastically change once placed next to different colors.

Figure Sculpting is fun, being able to play with clay again! I noticed that I really like to keep my clay smooth, while other folks clump their figures together in order to get the mass. I’ve only attended one session so far but I’ll be sure to post pics from both these courses soon.

Also keeping me busy while not in class is working on the redesign for this site. I’ve gotten a lot done now that I have more time to dedicate to it. I’ll be using some hand-drawn illustrations to use as part of the design, but the more I incorporate it into a template, the more I want to just hand-draw the rest of it for consistency. Tempting, but I’m afraid this might take longer and might not be necessary. Right now, I’m just going with the flow to see how things go. One thing for sure: I’m glad I took all the time I needed to “ink” in the pencil sketch I had with the Wacom pad. This proved to save me a lot of time in cropping the pic for web use!

Today was a big milestone for me.

I went home and told my mom and dad that I’ll be moving in with Brent.
Freaking out, my mom’s first reaction was, “Are you planning to like… marry him?”
THANK YOU, TRADITIONAL CHINESE MENTALITY.
Of course, what she was concerned about was what others would think–what other people would say if they found out her daughter was UNMARRIED, living with a MAN. I mean that entails that we’re “DOING IT!!!!!” But to be honest, she was very understanding of it. And although I know that she purely 100% would prefer for me to live home, I appreciate that she was able to try to understand that I’m learning to “grow up” on my own.

The events and course of things that have happened within the last week, I hope that my parents will one day understand and know that I don’t just slack off and spend most of my time on the internet doing nothing, which can easily be their perception. They don’t really know what I do anymore, and I admit that I stopped letting them know. I guess this happened due to repeated dinners with my mom when I’d try to tell a little about my day and it would be overshadowed by her own issues and problems. I stopped being communicative with them when they reverted in treating me like I was still in high school.

Anyway, today, they were very respective and supportive of my decision. Yeah, it’s really not that big of a deal since I’ve mostly been living here most of the time anyway (I’m statistically Brent’s roommate!), but I know to them it is. I anticipate that this will allow me to be friends with my parents again, or at least be on better terms with them.

 

I feel like this last week was a reawakening of new ideas, putting the problems and challenges of the past behind me. I feel like this dude right now:


Liggghhhttt ouuurrr darrkkkkeeesssst hooouuurrrrrr!!!

Take THAT, Unicron swine!!!

The Story So Far

Incoming sappy blog post. I’m long overdue for a relationship post… so here’s my update.

A lot has happened this year, and it’s weird in retrospect. It feels like I went through so much this year, but where I am now is almost physically in the same place where I started off. Just that I carry more knowledge now.

Undoubtedly, 2008 has been a year of figuring out what it is I want in my life. It’s been a whole saga of me not knowing what I want, choosing a path, and THEN understanding the consequences of my decision.

For instance: Work. I wanted this Leads position. I jumped into it, saying to myself that I could stick it through and just DEAL with it. And so I did. And as a result of the stress and amount of time and dedication required for a role I don’t find much satisfaction or accomplishment in, I feel like I lost a big chunk of the characteristics and spirit that I feel makes me who I am. I came to this realization not too long ago, and I’m taking the actions I need to do to make sure I’m happy. I’m going back to how I first started off the year, but now knowing a lot more clearer what it is that I want out of this job, and what it is that I need to succeed. The consequences of my decision to become a Lead came out to be a lot more negative than I initially anticipated.

Next, the choices I made this year about relationships.

Only some people know what went through my mind back in March when I broke up with Henry, but even then, did I trick myself into thinking that it was a choice independent from my attraction to Brent? Probably. Did I consciously make that decision then? Past-Estella would say no to preserve dignity and a clean conscious. But truth is, it was probably a huge influence on my decision. But truth is… I was trying to figure out what I wanted.

I thought I wanted the ideal romance, the picture-perfect moments, the Disney princess stories that felt so good with Henry. Those times really WERE those perfect moments. But… is that something that I truly wanted? Was that the ONLY thing that I wanted? A sense of PERFECTION?

There were a lot of factors leading to my decision: I felt like I was losing the feeling of independence that I was accustomed to while Henry was in SoCal and I was scared of the uncertainty of him moving back here to Norcal; Our styles were very different, though it taught me a tremendous amount. I’m fast, and I panic. He’s calm and relaxed. For me, I had a lot of internal battles of whether or not to calm down, or to go with my natural instincts; And yes, Brent was a factor. I knew I liked him. And with that fact alone, it was unfair to lie and stay committed to Henry when I knew that I wasn’t giving my all. Thus, the decision I made.

And yes, afterwards, I hung out with Brent… a lot. I didn’t want a “relationship”, nor did I want anything serious. We had a conversation about this and I told him I don’t want labels. If I begin labeling relationships, I fall into those stereotypical roles, which usually turns sour. So, we agreed to just be the “close friends” that we are, sharing a tremendous amount of common interests, values, and teaching each other along the way.

This whole time, I’ve maybe only awkwardly referred to him as my “boyfriend” once to like… my grandma or something. Introducing him to new people kind of leaves me stunned when I’m not sure who to introduce him as, so all I say is, “This is Brent.” I don’t like calling him my boyfriend; I don’t really feel comfortable saying that he’s the person I’m dating. I’ve successfully steered clear of these labels this whole time! Otherwise, everyone else just makes up their own labels, which is fine. It really doesn’t really matter what everyone thinks. I’ve really come to realize how much it really IS about what it is that he and I think, what he and I KNOW.

Subsequently, my own personal goal has been to befriend his closest friends more so they won’t refer to me as “Brent’s girlfriend” or something. …I have labelphobia syndrome.

Brent and I have a LOT in common, and we have a lot to talk about with each other: from comic book knowledge, to LGBT history, to the impending doom of 2012, to serious business plans, to ways to improve, progress, and succeed in our own individual lives. The first time I spoke to him, he had the LOST Season 1 DVD on his desk and I gasped and pointed at it, asking: “Are you caught up or are you catching up?” And so began our frequent LOST conversations, which we realize we’re 100% fanatics at to the extent that we knew more about the show than our LOST tour guide in Hawaii last month.

Because I was dedicated to Henry when I started at Embark, I ended up building a really strong and firm friendship with Brent, which is still the main core of our bond. Totally a 180 from the interaction rate with Henry, I pretty much see Brent every day. I know… gross… I’ve become one of THOSE. Surprisingly, we don’t ever run out of stuff to talk about. And even though we see each other so often, we’re very respectful of each other’s individual time alone, and pretty communicative about each other’s needs and wants.

I’ve been EXTREMELY happy with the time I get to spend with Brent. There’s always an on-going competition, and new trend/interests/challenge every week. Last week was totally NES flashback week + reading Watchmen. He sucks at the out-of-state license plate game, and he always loses the Jinx-calling game too. He pretty much owes me a life supply of rootbeer floats because I’m so good.

I’ve had some tough months with work and I’ve found more comfort hanging out with coworkers during my free time because we all have the common understanding of the extent of how shitty our situations can get on a day-to-day basis… A sense of respect and companionship that is hard to explain to people who don’t work with us. I’ve become very distant from my parents and family, and haven’t really been hanging out with my friends much. I admit that I’ve been spending most of my time with Brent, finding new furniture and such for his new place.

I’ve been having a great time, but I know it’s time I should buckle down and figure out my own individual goals and tasks. Gotta find the balance again.

Anyway, I jumped into a decision and I feel that this was a good decision that I made, understanding my needs and what it is I wanted. It wasn’t all flowery and pretty, and I carried a lot of guilt for a long time, some of which I still have, but I still trust that it was good decision that I made.

You know, the weird thing is… I was looking at some recent pics of Marco lately, and I can see how incredibly happy he’s been with Coleen after we were together, and I felt a great sense of understanding and appreciation. And I also felt a sense of peace: with our past, with his bond with Coleen, with myself, with my bond with Brent. I used to feel a lot of angst, even years afterwards, bitter about how I failed. I’m just so grateful for all the place that I’m at now. I’ve done a complete 180 from where I used to be, and I’m appreciative of every step that it took to get here, acknowledging how much of an impact we have on the lives that we touch along the way.

Thanks for contributing to these chapters in my life, for changing me for the better, and for being the foundation for the rest of things to come.


Newport Beach, CA – 5/24/08

I can’t remember the time or place,
or what you were wearing.
It’s unclear about how we met,
all I know it was the best conversation that I’ve ever had.
To this day I never found someone,
with eyes as wide as yours.
I’ve been searching up and down this coast,
overlooking what I need the most.
      — New Found Glory, The Story So Far