MOVING FROM THE PAST:
The first week of January, I spent prepping my team for my 2-week vacation off in Hong Kong. This week went pretty smoothly as I distributed my Lead tasks off to Will and Hanna, each to be the caretakers of the rest of the team. At the end of that week, my team was cut in half due to layoffs. My last day before Hong Kong was spent mostly adjusting to a huge slash in Operations, something which obviously was an emotional hit for me and the rest of the Leads.

Then, I went to Hong Kong for two weeks for Alex’s wedding, which was great to go back to HK for dedicated SHOPPING time!

NOTE: For those that are looking for an AWESOME place to go shopping in HK (for women’s clothes) I suggest a wholesale market called “Hong Kong Industrial Centre.” Get off at Lai Chi Kok, take the “C” exit, step out of the train station exit and turn around, walk along that side of the block and you’ll see on your left a big huge driveway that says “Hong Kong Industrial Centre”. winner! Clothes there are SUPER cheap because the boutiques buy them from these folks. Also, I didn’t have to bargain or anything since the prices were SO cheap due to the New Years sales. Only problem is that you generally can’t try anything on unless you pay for it; then you can try different sizes or colors–but be sure to ask them to confirm first!

I’m still collecting my bro/mom’s pics to blog about our trip, but to say the least, it was a long time to be spending 24/7 in extremely small quarters with family. We’re all very used to reverting back to our old ways, and I think so much time together makes us forget respect amongst other things. I’ve discovered that my parents are reaching an older age, and they’re not as sharp as they used to be, and that I am often unforgiving of these “flaws” that are uncovered. Embarrassed to admit, my old habits that sometimes resurface are to see these flaws, point them out, and maybe throw some salt on it too. Bad. I know.

I came back from HK and was laid off with the bulk of remaining employees at Embark. I’ve been telling people that I’m okay with it, and that this truly IS an opportunity for me.

INTO A BRAND NEW START:
I’ve started my 2 art classes, “Color Dynamics” and “Figure Sculpting”, which are keeping me busy since I’ve missed a couple of sessions. I absolutely SUX at color and don’t understand the technicalities of when to use what or how they even work. So far, the class has taught me a lot already about how to make some colors pop, or how colors drastically change once placed next to different colors.

Figure Sculpting is fun, being able to play with clay again! I noticed that I really like to keep my clay smooth, while other folks clump their figures together in order to get the mass. I’ve only attended one session so far but I’ll be sure to post pics from both these courses soon.

Also keeping me busy while not in class is working on the redesign for this site. I’ve gotten a lot done now that I have more time to dedicate to it. I’ll be using some hand-drawn illustrations to use as part of the design, but the more I incorporate it into a template, the more I want to just hand-draw the rest of it for consistency. Tempting, but I’m afraid this might take longer and might not be necessary. Right now, I’m just going with the flow to see how things go. One thing for sure: I’m glad I took all the time I needed to “ink” in the pencil sketch I had with the Wacom pad. This proved to save me a lot of time in cropping the pic for web use!

Today was a big milestone for me.

I went home and told my mom and dad that I’ll be moving in with Brent.
Freaking out, my mom’s first reaction was, “Are you planning to like… marry him?”
THANK YOU, TRADITIONAL CHINESE MENTALITY.
Of course, what she was concerned about was what others would think–what other people would say if they found out her daughter was UNMARRIED, living with a MAN. I mean that entails that we’re “DOING IT!!!!!” But to be honest, she was very understanding of it. And although I know that she purely 100% would prefer for me to live home, I appreciate that she was able to try to understand that I’m learning to “grow up” on my own.

The events and course of things that have happened within the last week, I hope that my parents will one day understand and know that I don’t just slack off and spend most of my time on the internet doing nothing, which can easily be their perception. They don’t really know what I do anymore, and I admit that I stopped letting them know. I guess this happened due to repeated dinners with my mom when I’d try to tell a little about my day and it would be overshadowed by her own issues and problems. I stopped being communicative with them when they reverted in treating me like I was still in high school.

Anyway, today, they were very respective and supportive of my decision. Yeah, it’s really not that big of a deal since I’ve mostly been living here most of the time anyway (I’m statistically Brent’s roommate!), but I know to them it is. I anticipate that this will allow me to be friends with my parents again, or at least be on better terms with them.

I feel like this last week was a reawakening of new ideas, putting the problems and challenges of the past behind me. I feel like this dude right now:

Liggghhhttt ouuurrr darrkkkkeeesssst hooouuurrrrrr!!!

Take THAT, Unicron swine!!!

(Boring. Not many pics this year.)

2008… (the factual stuff)

Where did you ring in 2008?
Sacramento at Peacock’s place! We almost missed the New Year’s mark because we were playing the Every-Time-Estella-and-Eugenia-Laugh-During-Lemony-Snicket’s-Series-of-Unfortunate-Events Drinking Game. We had a ton of orange Cuties to eat. The infamous Family Portrait (below). Left over Carl’s Jr. chicken sandwiches. THE EPIPHANY.

The Epiphany

Family Portrait

Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions?
- Buy a 1 tb harddrive — DONE!
- Possibly renetwork the silly setup in our house — NOT COMPLETE (I don’t think I really considered this thru the year)
- Start writing stuff down again — DONE!
- Get back to 110lbs — NOT COMPLETE (At least I’m the same weightish as I was last year! And the back dimples make an appearance every so often)

How did you earn your keep?
Web developer @ Embark
Operations Analyst @ Embark

Did you move anywhere?
Not officially. Spent most of my weekends in San Jose or now back in Oakland with Brent.

Where did you go on vacation?
Vegas, LA, Lake Tahoe, and Hawaii!

Describe your birthday:
Went to Buca for dinner with mostly Embark folks, and went to Fenton’s afterwards for dessert.

My bday was on a Wednesday and I took my 2 floating holidays the following days to get an awesome 4-day weekend! Went to Academy of Science, Brent made sushi, and went to a winter oyster BBQ with Brent’s friends.

What did you do for Christmas ’08?
I decided to skip out on the trip to Las Vegas with my mom and Conrad (to meet up with our Toronto friends–Chan family) because I was sick and so I could spend more time working on my website revamp. I got a LOT done being home by myself, though I realized how much more was needed.

Norvelle came over for a pity visit. *shaking fist*

What sporting events did you go to?
Probably none. Wellll, actually… Flag Football with Embark’s T^2 counts! I think I went to 1 Warrior’s game too, to see my fav player: Steve Mullins!!

What concerts did you go to?
- Ozma – May 19, 2008 @ Bottom of the Hill
- Weezer – October 13, 2008 @ SJSU Arena

What was the best thing you bought in ’08?
I’ll go with practicality… Either the new digicam SD1100 since my old SD400 broke, or the new Inspiron 1525 laptop (tho this is still kind of new and I’m still getting used to it.)

Where did you spend most of your money?
Food, and the September Hawaii trip. And probably a lot of electronics/gift-type things. Wow.

What did you purchase that was over $500?
New laptop, Hawaii plane tix, etc.

Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Yes! I went back to school!! Took Beginning and Intermediate Figure Drawing classes at Laney! Suuuucchhh a great move for me!

Favorite TV program of ’08?
LOST, of course. I don’t really watch anything else. Although Ace of Cakes is a pretty awesome show to watch!

What was the best book you read and/or movie you saw?
I didn’t read much this year :( No specific movies come to mind, though I’ve started watching more, since I now manage Brent’s Netflix queue.

2008… (people)

Did you know anybody who got married?
Janelle! What a funnnn wedding! And Brent’s friend Danny!

Any new additions to your family?
Uncle Darryl had a daughter!

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Taylor and Vicki got Karli!

Did you know anybody who passed away?
Yee-goong (Leland Dea)

Did you fall in love in 2008?
Same as last year’s response: Always. There’s ALWAYS something to fall in love with.

Did you get your heart broken in 2008?
No.

Do you hate anyone now that you didnt hate this time last year?
Yes. But solely due to work’s relationships with schools. (e.g. PSU, Harvard, Oxford)

Who was the best new person you met?
Brent’s crew is really awesome. I don’t think I’ve met many new people this year other than folks at work, though. I didn’t get out much this year ^_^

Who did you wish you did not meet?
No one in particular.

Who was your best friend?
Eugeniaman, Norvelle, Pean, Brent, Christine

Who was your enemy?
Ehh…. *shrug*

Who do you miss?
Pohpoh.

2008… (the stuff that requires more thinking)

Are you happier than this time last year?
Uncertain. I’m happier in a sense that I feel a lot more settled and professionally accomplished. I feel more mature and that I’ve learned a lot. I know more now about what I want. (Does that count as happy??) I feel much more accomplished, and that I’ve definitely come a long way, for sure.

What song will remind you of 2008?
Nothing in particular.

What’s the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2008?
- Drink only “girly” drinks. Not drink.
- Go on a LOST-fanatic trip around Hawaii
- Become so involved in work that my social life had to get put on hold.
- Be able to find someone that I can connect with on SO many levels; and to be okay with seeing him just about every day.
- Revert back to the “their always together” status–which I don’t seem to mind!

What is one thing you regretted this year?
Hmmm… nothing in particular comes to mind. I’m pretty content with 2008 and where I’ve come along the way.

What’s something you learned about yourself?
- Not everything’s as black and white as they used to be.
- You never know until you’re put into the situation.
- Always follow your heart. “It may hurt, but when you look back at it in the future, you’ll always know that you’ve done what YOU wanted and not what someone else wanted.”
- I should have got more into art a long time ago.
- I’m not perfect; I don’t have the best attitude; I’m not immune to selfishness. But… these are the things that I am, and I can learn to give and take, and it’s comforting to know that he knows that, and that he’s still willing to overlook all that. I’ve learned a lot from that, and how I should be as forgiving and understanding. This is feeling of mutual understanding in conjunction to all we have in common with and for each other is worth it all.

What was your best month?
September: Hawaii trip. That one week made up for the troubles and stress of the rest of the month. It was a big epiphany moment for me, too, to take the time off and figure out what the heck I’m doing with my life.

Best decision made all year?
One of the biggest decisions I’ve had to make before.

What will you remember 2008 by?
Hell months and the amount I’ve learned; finding my own management style; Brent.

Will any date from 2008 stay etched in your memory forever?
Septemberish – The Hawaii trip.

What was your biggest achievement of 2008?
Being able to handle the Leads position; managing a team of 7.

What was your biggest failure?
Not hanging out with my friends enough.

Did your behavior change over the year?
Yes. I’m totally more of a hermit and a grandma now. Please find me in my peaceful underground dwelling.

What do you wish you would have done more of?
Exercise; more activism; see my friends more; get more of my site updated.

What do you wish you would have done less of?
Nothing.

What was your greatest discovery?
For some reason, I have a new addiction for any type of sushi, sparked by just plain ol’ California Rolls. Not sure why this happened so late since I’ve been eating sushi my whole life. Very bizarre.

Also discovered the BEAUTY of Kauai, Hawaii!!

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I knew I was healthy. hahaha
Also if I got my revamp up :~(

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Part of growing up is knowing WHEN to make decisions. Sometimes you have to take the opportunity available to you even though you’re not ready, or even if you’re not sure if you even want to take the leap. The key really is to follow your heart, to know that your decision is truly the best thing you can do for yourself, and that it’s the truthful choice for you. People may get hurt, but you just have to be honest with the parties involved and especially yourself.

Another lesson learned is that bad things happen, and they will KEEP getting worse and worse. But they’ll always get better; there’s always a pay-off. It was important for me to keep this in mind in order to pull out of the tough times. “Everything will be okay in the end. If things aren’t okay right now, it’s not the end.”

What will you always remember about 2008?
Learning to live independently while “living at home”; the lessons I’ve learned.

The New Year…

What are you doing to ring in 2009?
Went to Liz’s place in Sac (why the heck did she invite us over???)

Any resolutions?
- Be healthier
- Save more money, including: money hunting (finding best bank rates and such), budgeting my monthly expenses, making financial milestone goals
- Find an art-related job
- Not be a coward when it comes to art and activism
- Continue organizing all my archived photos on Terry
- Move out

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
An artish job.

What do you want to do in ’09 that you couldn’t in ’08?
Budget.

Anything you want to change about yourself for 2009?
Hmmm… haven’t figured it out yet.

Own Notes

Since it always happens, favorite passing-out/drinking experience:
- Most eventful: Getting x10 wasted at Janelle’s bachelorette party in Vegas, passing out to have Paul wake me up, and then getting kicked out of Palms, wahah
- The standard: I totally didn’t drink that much at all this year.
- The comeback: Playground for Gilbert’s bday; 6 soju shots; sleeping crew. wahah

Favorite Embark Moment:
Undecided.. it was the culmination of moments. Some good ones: Embark Prom, BBQs at Shults-Foster Manor, All the good times in the Leads chatroom!

Favorite Brent Moment:
- Most memorable: the whole Hawaii trip + all the LOST touring!
- Epitome of us: Tie between 1) chanting “Sushi House! Sushi House!” at 8:30AM like 3 year olds in bed. (Then going to Sushi House at their opening hour.); 2) 2AM Taco Bell run to eat in bed.

- Most delicious (local): Harris’ Steakhouse!
- Most delicious (travel): Hanalei Dolphin Restaurant
- Most delicious (homemade): Suuuuushiiii!!!

Restaurant of the Year:
The truck. hahahahha

Highlights of 2008:
- Embark Holiday Party (Face-Your-Fear CLASSIC!)
- Ugly Sweater Party!
- Man’s Bday: Everett & Jones + Fenton’s + couchcouchcouchcouchcouch!
- T^2 games!
- LOTS of E&C!
- Caden visits!
- 90′s Game nights
- Lots of trips to San Jose
- Nancy’s Bday (stupid UCLA shot!!)
- AWESOME LOST season 4!!
- Roadtrip to LA and up the CA coast :DD
- Embark Prom!
- Brentwood (Nectarine Pick Your Nose!)
- CA Legalization of Same-Sex Marriage
- Janelle’s Bachelorette Bday
- Shults-Foster Manor!
- SARS-Bikini Spam party!
- Janelle + Ryan’s wedding
- TECHKARAOKE SF!
- Brent’s surgery
- August Tahoe trip! Soooo fun!
- Banned! the Band practice
- VHS Night
- Hawaaaiiiii!!
- BFF’s Bday in Vegas
- Prop 8 Protests
- Karli’s born!
- 24th bday at Buca’s + Fenton’s
- Academy of Science!
- Meeting Phyllis Lyon @ GSA Network’s YES Summit
- New Years @ Sac!

Happy new year, all. Have fun, and be safe <3

A lot has happened this year, and it’s weird in retrospect. It feels like I went through so much this year, but where I am now is almost physically in the same place where I started off. Just that I carry more knowledge now.

Undoubtedly, 2008 has been a year of figuring out what it is I want in my life. It’s been a whole saga of me not knowing what I want, choosing a path, and THEN understanding the consequences of my decision.

For instance: Work. I wanted this Leads position. I jumped into it, saying to myself that I could stick it through and just DEAL with it. And so I did. And as a result of the stress and amount of time and dedication required for a role I don’t find much satisfaction or accomplishment in, I feel like I lost a big chunk of the characteristics and spirit that I feel makes me who I am. I came to this realization not too long ago, and I’m taking the actions I need to do to make sure I’m happy. I’m going back to how I first started off the year, but now knowing a lot more clearer what it is that I want out of this job, and what it is that I need to succeed. The consequences of my decision to become a Lead came out to be a lot more negative than I initially anticipated.

Next, the choices I made this year about relationships.

Only some people know what went through my mind back in March when I broke up with Henry, but even then, did I trick myself into thinking that it was a choice independent from my attraction to Brent? Probably. Did I consciously make that decision then? Past-Estella would say no to preserve dignity and a clean conscious. But truth is, it was probably a huge influence on my decision. But truth is… I was trying to figure out what I wanted.

I thought I wanted the ideal romance, the picture-perfect moments, the Disney princess stories that felt so good with Henry. Those times really WERE those perfect moments. But… is that something that I truly wanted? Was that the ONLY thing that I wanted? A sense of PERFECTION?

There were a lot of factors leading to my decision: I felt like I was losing the feeling of independence that I was accustomed to while Henry was in SoCal and I was scared of the uncertainty of him moving back here to Norcal; Our styles were very different, though it taught me a tremendous amount. I’m fast, and I panic. He’s calm and relaxed. For me, I had a lot of internal battles of whether or not to calm down, or to go with my natural instincts; And yes, Brent was a factor. I knew I liked him. And with that fact alone, it was unfair to lie and stay committed to Henry when I knew that I wasn’t giving my all. Thus, the decision I made.

And yes, afterwards, I hung out with Brent… a lot. I didn’t want a “relationship”, nor did I want anything serious. We had a conversation about this and I told him I don’t want labels. If I begin labeling relationships, I fall into those stereotypical roles, which usually turns sour. So, we agreed to just be the “close friends” that we are, sharing a tremendous amount of common interests, values, and teaching each other along the way.

This whole time, I’ve maybe only awkwardly referred to him as my “boyfriend” once to like… my grandma or something. Introducing him to new people kind of leaves me stunned when I’m not sure who to introduce him as, so all I say is, “This is Brent.” I don’t like calling him my boyfriend; I don’t really feel comfortable saying that he’s the person I’m dating. I’ve successfully steered clear of these labels this whole time! Otherwise, everyone else just makes up their own labels, which is fine. It really doesn’t really matter what everyone thinks. I’ve really come to realize how much it really IS about what it is that he and I think, what he and I KNOW.

Subsequently, my own personal goal has been to befriend his closest friends more so they won’t refer to me as “Brent’s girlfriend” or something. …I have labelphobia syndrome.

Brent and I have a LOT in common, and we have a lot to talk about with each other: from comic book knowledge, to LGBT history, to the impending doom of 2012, to serious business plans, to ways to improve, progress, and succeed in our own individual lives. The first time I spoke to him, he had the LOST Season 1 DVD on his desk and I gasped and pointed at it, asking: “Are you caught up or are you catching up?” And so began our frequent LOST conversations, which we realize we’re 100% fanatics at to the extent that we knew more about the show than our LOST tour guide in Hawaii last month.

Because I was dedicated to Henry when I started at Embark, I ended up building a really strong and firm friendship with Brent, which is still the main core of our bond. Totally a 180 from the interaction rate with Henry, I pretty much see Brent every day. I know… gross… I’ve become one of THOSE. Surprisingly, we don’t ever run out of stuff to talk about. And even though we see each other so often, we’re very respectful of each other’s individual time alone, and pretty communicative about each other’s needs and wants.

I’ve been EXTREMELY happy with the time I get to spend with Brent. There’s always an on-going competition, and new trend/interests/challenge every week. Last week was totally NES flashback week + reading Watchmen. He sucks at the out-of-state license plate game, and he always loses the Jinx-calling game too. He pretty much owes me a life supply of rootbeer floats because I’m so good.

I’ve had some tough months with work and I’ve found more comfort hanging out with coworkers during my free time because we all have the common understanding of the extent of how shitty our situations can get on a day-to-day basis… A sense of respect and companionship that is hard to explain to people who don’t work with us. I’ve become very distant from my parents and family, and haven’t really been hanging out with my friends much. I admit that I’ve been spending most of my time with Brent, finding new furniture and such for his new place.

I’ve been having a great time, but I know it’s time I should buckle down and figure out my own individual goals and tasks. Gotta find the balance again.

Anyway, I jumped into a decision and I feel that this was a good decision that I made, understanding my needs and what it is I wanted. It wasn’t all flowery and pretty, and I carried a lot of guilt for a long time, some of which I still have, but I still trust that it was good decision that I made.

You know, the weird thing is… I was looking at some recent pics of Marco lately, and I can see how incredibly happy he’s been with Coleen after we were together, and I felt a great sense of understanding and appreciation. And I also felt a sense of peace: with our past, with his bond with Coleen, with myself, with my bond with Brent. I used to feel a lot of angst, even years afterwards, bitter about how I failed. I’m just so grateful for all the place that I’m at now. I’ve done a complete 180 from where I used to be, and I’m appreciative of every step that it took to get here, acknowledging how much of an impact we have on the lives that we touch along the way.

Thanks for contributing to these chapters in my life, for changing me for the better, and for being the foundation for the rest of things to come.

Newport Beach, CA – 5/24/08

I can’t remember the time or place,
or what you were wearing.
It’s unclear about how we met,
all I know it was the best conversation that I’ve ever had.
To this day I never found someone,
with eyes as wide as yours.
I’ve been searching up and down this coast,
overlooking what I need the most.
      — New Found Glory, The Story So Far

In retrospect, did I believe too much in fate and leaving it up to the natures of the universe? I sometimes feel like I just dove right into the wind and let it take me where destiny wanted to take me. In the end, all hell broke loose, almost as a danger sign, a warning not to leave the womb of destiny’s winds.

Do you think that’s what it all meant?

I used to be such a strong believer in signs and interpreting good fortune as a thumbs up from my life, a wink that everything’s as good as it could be. I jumped ship. I took a plunge, something I wanted to do, something I knew I NEEDED to do.

Do I even believe in signs anymore? I guess not. I haven’t seen anything ever since. Have I decided to cut this out all together?

For the sake of adjusting my perspective of life to my current life, I feel like I’ve morphed a lot of my former beliefs to better fit who I am today. I’ve been letting go of the idea of fate and destiny. Things happen. Shit happens. And it is not molded by some greater energy.

But at the same time, I DO believe in fate. With or without my presence, things WILL happen the way they did.

I need to stop blaming myself for the bad things that happen to people around me, particularly when I already know that it has nothing to do with me.

Do I still believe in karma? This is something I’m too scared to even step away from. I still have to cover my bases.

In other news, it’s interesting the people that come in and out of your life.

I remember I made a great effort during my last few weeks of college to see people I probably would never see again. Someone asked me, “Why would you do that? Wouldn’t you rather spend the last weeks of your college time with your closest friends?” “No, because I know I’ll still see them no matter what. These people, I know they’re only going to be a part of my life right now. It’ll be too forward and, well, inconvenient to contact each other to hang out later on.”

This last month has reinforced the idea that we should really live up the present for what it is. Things change, people change, situations change, relationships change, friendships change, and we’ll never know how things will be in the future. All we can do is 100% enjoy the moments that we have NOW, with the people that we’re laughing with NOW, with the people that are in our lives NOW.

And if in the future, things don’t work out, if it’s time to part, then those are the paths that have to be taken. It might suck, but what can you do, right? Things will happen the way they will. Unfortunate how some people may slip out of your life so easily. But I guess that’s how things are supposed to go…

Life is Like a Boat
Rie Fu

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who’s gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can’t escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

I’m breathing in a faraway place, it seems like I’ve become transparent
And though I think I’m in the dark, I’ve only been blindfolded
Offering a prayer, I wait for a new day to come
Until the morning stops glittering on the sea

Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don’t give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

People’s hearts shift and change, wanting to slip out
The moon still keeps bringing in the boat with each new phase

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

Oh, I can see the shore
When will I see the shore?

I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I’d feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along,
I will follow you, and keep you strong

The journey still continues, even on calm days
The moon still starts shining down on the boat with each new phase
Offering a prayer, I wait for a new day to come
Until the morning stops glittering on the sea

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

We are all rowing the boat of fate, the waves keep on coming and we can’t escape
That too is a beautiful journey, isn’t it? Any of them is a beautiful journey, isn’t it

I woke in the middle of the night, haunted by my own thoughts. I couldn’t sleep. I tried to stop running away from my thoughts–just STICK to that one thought. Just STICK with it and come to TERMS with it. But I kept running. Immediately, I’d start thinking about something a lot more comfortable. And in the darkhole of my room, I thought I saw the ghost of you, right there. Right at my door. I didn’t see anything, but I could feel your eyes of judgment staring me down. I turned to face my wall, I pulled the sheets over my head, and I retreated into my thoughts of comfort at least until the daytime.

It’s been difficult to distinguish between my dreams and reality these days. Did this happen yesterday? Oh wait. That was in a dream… right?? Where have I been? Am I doing the right thing? It’s always the same question. It’s such a…. stupid… question. It’s such a WRONG question.

I’m a little exhausted. I DON’T want to deal. I’m done explaining. I mean… is there really anything to deal with? What is there to prove when people have already formed their thoughts, when they’ve all formed their own conclusions and their own judgment of… well… me?

Selfishness. If I stayed, I would have been lying. If I didn’t tell him, I would have been LYING, goddamnit. I didn’t MEAN for it to happen this way, and I didn’t MEAN for things to happen like THIS. You can’t control your feelings–you can’t just turn things on and off like that. Why does everyone always strive to be honest when honesty only makes you the bad guy? WHY does there have to be a bad guy and a good guy? Things just aren’t as black and white as that. …right? I did what I FELT was the right thing. I’m not good at lying. I’m just not. I just can’t.

Is there really anything to run from? This is all just internal guilt. I can’t stand the idea of being considered a bad person–it eats away at me like a virus. There: for anyone that ever wants to get at me, there’s your opening.

Is there really anything left to deal with? What’s done is done. What’s the point when they won’t want to open their ears to listen, anyway? The judgment and the criticism has already been formed. Maybe I’m being a coward. Maybe I’m just as scared as I was last night. Maybe I’m living in my own denial. …What should I do? I don’t think there’s anything else to do–anything else would be an act of me salvaging my own reputation. Why does that matter, right? I did what I felt was right. I did what I felt was TRUE. I don’t regret my decisions. I don’t think about the ‘what ifs.’ I know what I did was what I wanted to do.

“Utter disregard for other people’s emotions.” That stings. Maybe it seems that way. But if that were true, I would have continued on pretending.

… Is this defensive talk? Maybe I’m being a coward. Maybe I’m just as scared as I was last night. Maybe I’m living in my own denial.

One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time. Happy place, happy place, happy place…

What ever it may be: distractions, running away, taking me away from it all… Thanks for keeping me sane.

Waking up this morning, I couldn’t help but to think of the idea of dopplegangers: that somewhere out there, there is someone that looks identically like you, but one of you is the good one and one of you is the bad one. If you are ever to meet, the world would explode kinda thing. Waking up this morning, I really couldn’t help but to feel like the bad one.

“Am I a bad person?” And so it goes, slowly eating away at me while I sit in the back of a strangers car every morning.

Life has gotten more and more complicated these last few months that it’s hard to determine what is right and what is wrong. There’s so much gray area. I guess that’s what “growing up” is all about: situations aren’t as formulaic and concrete as they were before. Life is rarely about blacks and whites now.

But despite everything, the thing I know 100% is that family and friends come first.

I’ve lost track of a lot of things. I think it’s time to review some of my notes from college.

It takes more time than I’ve ever had,
Drains the life from me,
Makes me want to forget,
As young as I was,
I felt older back then,
More disciplined,
Stronger and certain,
But I was scared to death of eternity,
I was saved by grace,
But destroyed by naivety,
And I lied to myself,
And said it was for the best,

And now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
I’ve disregarded what I was,
Now that I’m older,
And I know much more than I did back then,
But the more I learn,
The more I can’t understand,
And I’ve become content with this life that I lead,
Where I drink to much and don’t believe in much of anything,
And I lie to myself,
And say it’s for the best,We’re moving forward,
But holding ourselves back,
And we’re waiting on something that will never come,

We’re moving forward,
But holding ourselves back,
And we’re waiting on something that will never come,

We’re moving forward,
But holding ourselves back,
And we’re waiting on something that will never come.

I don’t want pity. I don’t want sympathy. I’m not pleading for anything. So please don’t glare at me with those eyes like I’m a crying 5-year-old, those eyes of pity. I’m very capable of handling the responsibilities and consequences of every choice I make. Don’t ask me how I’m doing as if I’m the one going through tough times. Just BE with me, with the relationship that I individually have with you. Just be FRIENDS with me, apart from everything else. Let’s just live our short lives, knowing that we’re doing everything we can to keep laughing, to keep our souls young, and to enjoy every bit of it as we intend to.

Sometimes death is right around the corner and we don’t even know it. We HAVE to live our lives to the fullest.

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation
For what I’m feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there’s a way out

Spring time is a WEIRD time. A LOT of things change with the forces of nature around us. For one thing, I can’t stop sneezing. And my eyes are itchy like crazy. This is also the time when I get the slightly mild eczema under my knees and around my armpits. (Attractive. I know.)

“I just don’t want you to make a mistake,” she says. “You’re older now. You can make your own choices.”

Yes. Yes I can. The more and more I “grow up”–wait, is that even the right word? The more and more I get older, the more and more I’m expected and reminded to take more responsibility over the choices that I make in my own life. But I guess I’m worried that that doesn’t necessarily mean that the choices I’m making in my life are ones that are better than some I would have made in the past.

I mean what if I really haven’t matured that much at all? What if I really haven’t “grown up” at all? I feel like I’m still making the same decisions. I feel like I’m still making the same “mistakes.” The only thing different now is that I have brand new justifications for it. The only thing different now is that I’ve found more excuses to justify my redundant, irrational(?) choices in order to shape it into something that is seemingly different.

(Is this even true at all? What if it all IS something new and different? At what point will I give myself more credit and actually start trusting in my own decisions without the need for constant reassurance?)

There’s a huge chunk of my life that I can’t share with her. She wouldn’t understand. Heck, not even all of my friends would understand.

But with all of this, do I even understand what the hell is going on now?

Things won’t change unless you change things yourself. And if the result is always ending up the same way, maybe there’s something that needs to be changed in the process, prior to anything else. We SO easily fall into a hole of comfort, doing what we’re used to. Can I really take on a challenge to do something DIFFERENT from my own habits? After all these years? Can I really BREAK FREE? … do I even WANT to?

It’s always for the greater picture. It’s always for the betterment of EVERYONE.

But I’m just SO selfish. I can’t help but to indulge in my OWN immediate priorities.

Is this how I want to live my life?

Is this how I was raised to live my life?

Does this go along with my foundational VALUES?

Do I even trust myself in my own decisions anymore? When did I start doubting again everything I’ve been doing?

Why can’t I just WANT to conform with how everyone else functions?

Why can’t I just WANT the things that people expect me to WANT?

Why can’t I just BE someone else?

But regardless of this confusion and blurry path ahead of me, I know that I’m enjoying every ounce of it. So why can’t I just come to terms with my present happiness? Why does this happiness make me uneasy and paranoid of this being the WRONG choice, of this being the tip of an iceberg of some huge detrimental part of my life?

Springtime draws out the ambition within us. It makes you believe that it’s a chance for you to revive yourself. It makes you believe that you can do anything you want—so optimistic that it’s almost a sense of false hope. It makes you take great leaps that you wouldn’t dream of doing any other time of the year. As a result, I’ve found it harder and harder to trust myself nowadays.