Hello.

A tremendous amount of… challenging… things have been occurring this whole month.

A lot of my past has caught up to me. And I’ve also been making a lot of revisions in my own life, slowly but surely. But mostly, my past has caught up to me.

It’s one of those situations where I really don’t have anyone to blame for myself, and although I still do not regret the things I’ve done, I simply know that I have to take full responsibility for the decisions I’ve made and for the paths that I’ve chosen. And I do. I never thought it would be an easy course, but I guess I never really considered that it would be a tough one either. That was the ignorance on my part.

More than ever, I’m truly beginning to see again how important it is to really live one’s life to the fullest. I’ve kind of lost sight of that ever since I’ve started working, living the mundane life. Although I appreciate the structure and stability that comes with my life now, it pressures me to max out my weekends as my only time for “freedom,” a type of STRUCTURED and PREDICTABLE freedom, even. But even that suffices at times. It really makes me appreciate and cherish the weekends.

I’ve been feeling stuck, and unable to really do what I’ve been wanting to do. I guess I’ve been reminiscent of my extreme freedom during my last two years of college. There’s SO much of the world to explore, and there’s SO much to see. I love the idea of exploring. I love the sense of NOVELTY, even if I deliberately set it up myself to seem like something new. I still LOVE that feeling.

A lot has happened. And I really can’t blame these things on anyone else but myself.

And through the course of it all, through EVERYTHING, I know now more than EVER that my friends and family are the one most central factor of my being. It’s times like these where I open myself up and I let them see my weaknesses, open heart, open soul, allowing them to judge and abandon me like some others have done in the past. But… they don’t. They stay right here. They stay right here. Unafflicted. They even laugh at me for thinking that they’d actually think of me differently. Unconditional love. I guess they really do know me better than myself. What can really surprise them at this point, right?

More than ever, I know they are the most important aspect in my life. I love you all, and I know you know it. You know I’d take a bullet and more for every one of you. You know that you all hold a (large) place in my heart where no one else would ever come close to replacing or even come close to challenging. I wouldn’t be who I am without you. I wouldn’t be where I am without you. And I wouldn’t be able to give you the love I do without the love that you give to me. I love you. I love you. I love you. And you know it.

Thank you. for everything. I love you SO much.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the outcome of life and how things will turn out.

Do you believe in fate? Do you believe that everything has its purpose and everything is meant to happen for a reason?

Yes. I do. But to a certain extent. I believe that every choice I make is the choice I’m supposed to make, guided by the ways of the universe. I might not realize right now exactly how my choices will affect the rest of my life, but I’m sure to believe that that’s how things are supposed to happen.

Maybe it’s because I was young and I chose to believe in fate as a sense of relief, a sense that the choices I make aren’t completely wrong, despite the negative outcomes that may occur. I guess it makes me feel like there is a greater picture beyond my minuscule being. I guess it makes me feel like there is a safety net below me. Every choice I make is supposed to happen, don’t stress about it.

A lot has happened in the last few days, and I know it is partially a consequence of a path I’ve chosen for the future of my life. Everything, slowly but surely, is slowly falling apart. This has been a pretty shitty year so far, in retrospect. Everything we know and understand is simply a part of our own brains. Everything we know exists in our heads–there is no proof whether or not this reality is actually shared with others or not. In that sense, we are all the center of our own universes.

I take these outcomes like a sign from the nature of the world. One by one, hit by hit, we’ve got to stand here and take it. We’ve got to take responsibility for our choices and our decisions. karma.

My only regret…

… is that my family is being affected.

Practicality vs. following one’s dreams and instinct.At this point… which is what? It can all be swapped interchangeably. Life isn’t as black and white as it used to be. I forgot how to live in grays. Practicality vs. my own feelings. This has been an on-going theme in my life.

I decided to bring my bible back out to take some time to reflect on my own life… at 3 in the morning, despite being rather tired. oh well.

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“People die from their passions. And people die because they don’t live their passions.”

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1) How are the body and self interconnected?
2) What happens through chaos and disruption?
3) How does the self survive? Does it? Can you ever be prepared for change?

There is great freedom in letting go. There is great freedom in liminality.

To believe there is a TRUTH is a social construction.

A sense of loss affects one’s sense of self and homeostatus.

The less you can cling, the less you have to lose, the more free you are.

Living in liminality — living betwixed and between.

NATURAL processes of liminality can still be stigmatizing to the sense of self.

We’re always trying to find a sense of coherence for survival of life when our lives are changed dramatically. NOTHING is stable except for change. A stable life is an illusion. We cling to it at our own peril.

It’s okay not to be okay, but NOT in society.

It’s hard to let go of dreams. But at some point, we must reconcile the self: letting go, completely separating your self from everything that gave meaning to your self. We have ALL these ideas of what life should be like. But NO one ever tells you to be prepared to abandon ship.

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Survival Strategies:

• Set definite targets: give yourself purpose and accomplishments that are attainable
• Make more decisions: Sitting there vs. going deeper into that which you fear. Get in, get out, and move on. Don’t just sit there and die.
• CUT THE ROPE: let GO of anything holding you back. Sometimes, the rope will be cut for you.

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A sense of PLACE:

- Bobos: “There’s got to be so much more than this moment,” there MUST be something more, contemplating giving it all up.

- Conflict of wanting a sense of commitment and a sense of freedom

- Difficult to find comfort and belonging in our own skin, when basic things are contradicting each other.

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Is what you’re doing fulfilling a need for yourself? or to fill emptiness?

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The body is the one thing you think you can control, but it’s not. You can try to maintain a certain self, but your body often conflicts with you. Where are you in relationship to your body to pleasure and pain?

There is a great importance in people. When we’re sick, when we’re broken, all we want to be is touched. What would happen if you let others in? Why would we cut the rope to go into a place that scares us? The things we fear the most are the paths out, which threatens us.

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It’s important to know when to let go. Take care of yourself. You can’t help others unless you help yourself first. Society tells us to not be selfish. But who are we serving? We can’t serve others if not ourselves.

Keep moving, find places to slow down.

Be gracious, accepting, and resilient.

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We’re always searching for a life we’re not living. If you can’t be at home with where you are, you’ll always be reaching for something else, always searching for the next best thing. You’ll always be busy, and not sitting with your own emotions.

We’re always searching for the next best thing. We’re always trying to HAVE IT ALL. And what if we could have it all? What if we really COULD have everything we wanted? Would we even recognize that we have it all? Or would we simply run to find the next best thing? Would you even KNOW that you even had it all? Would you want it all? Would you feel bad?

Take a deep breath.

Shut your eyes.

Feel the breathing of your stomach inhale and exhale deeply.

And tell yourself:

This is enough.

I don’t have to be anywhere else but here.

I already have it all.