Category Archives: Relationships

Paint it red

“There may be times, certainly, when being a member of an organization seems bothersome and we just want to be alone. But how sad it is if we are left alone without any support and then lose our faith. True growth comes from striving together with our fellow members in the living realm of human beings, experiencing the rich gamut of human emotions.”

Cold night at Twin Peaks

“It doesn’t matter in what area, just keep working on your personal revolution to transform and improve yourself in the way most natural for you. The important thing is that you change in some positive way. There is surely no more exhilarating a life than one in which we write our own unique history of human revolution each day. And the growth and transformation we achieve in this way can convince people of [our greatness and personal achievement] more eloquently than anything else.”
- Daisaku Ikeda

My head hurts.

This heat has been getting to me. I wake up with headaches in the middle of the night. It’s been happening for the last three nights. And it hurts even more now. I ‘spose that’s not good.

I really can’t figure out a lot of things. After all these years, I still don’t know why I do the things I do. Yes, I know I’m good at making friendships. But I’m also very good at knowing exactly what to do to mess everything up. I’ve done it all the time. And never do I really think it through.

Just like how I’m really good at striking up a really easy going conversation, I just the same am really good at striking up the most hurtful things.

That is the thing I hate the most about myself. After all these years, it’s been proven in just this one day that I really haven’t grown up at all. I’m really as immature as I was three, five, six years ago.

… This headache really isn’t letting go. It’s like this throbbing at the lower back of my skull…

Maybe it’s a powertrip that I get on. Maybe it’s some sick idea that I find pleasure in knowing that I have complete control over these situations and I can flex it however I’d like. I mean… plenty of people do it all the time. But to be honest… I don’t really know if I truly DON’T find pleasure in it… I mean… what if I really do? I suppose that makes me a bad person.

Sometimes I know I’m wrong, and I still do it anyway. Sometimes I know it’s going to be a stab, but I still do it anyway. I’m just as stubborn as the people that I hate. I guess I don’t know why I find a need to prove the point that I need to prove. I have so much pride that I just can’t LOSE. I hate being looked down on… I hate the idea of being taken advantage of. I’m just SO defensive and I just won’t back down. God… this is SUCH an internal problem…

I’ve reverted back.

No, it’s merely been repressed and I really haven’t gotten any better at all. It’s tough. And it’s so fucking frustrating. It’s just so FRUSTRATING. I’ve spent the last year trying to change… I’ve spent the last year slowly unlearning all the automatic reactions I always did before. All the snappy comments, all the rude words, all the bad tones. I thought I’ve gotten a lot better. I thought I’ve really grown. But I hate that I still have so much of that energy still in me.

I’m one of those people that need constant positive feedback in order to know, in order to lose the doubts, that I’m doing well. This has been an internal struggle that so very few people know about that I never have any outside indication of whether or not I’m doing well or not. The only way I know is by the amount of time between one negative outburst to the next. I suppose I should know and trust my own instincts but… how do I do that when I’m the one fighting with myself? And I don’t even know if it’s gotten better or if I’m simply repressing it to let it all come out in one big event…

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to get better. How does one unlearn and reverse something that has been learned since they were 8 years old?

They said what I did today was brave to do. But they don’t know that… sadly enough… I’m used to making up. So many times now I’ve had to undo the things I’ve said and done. Yes, I learn every time. And yes, I truly feel regretful, guilty, shameful, and immature every time. I guess I’ve learned to be good at apologizing. I’ve always been lucky though… I’ve always had the fortune of having forgiving people around me.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

Please understand that I’m a child still learning how to grow up.

The Boyfriend Review

I’ve set up a poll on the right sidebar there in celebration(?) of (???) Anyway, for those that have gotten to know my boyfriend, it’s time for his report card / one-year review.

Please partake in the poll so that he may know how he is doing in terms of winning the hearts of my friends, which is something we consider pretty important in our relationship. Considering he’s been pretty much having “relationships” with Norvelle, Eugenia, and Greg (who else don’t I know about?), I think he’s been doing pretty well on this spectrum. But, never know until you ask right?

Feel free to leave anonymous feedback in this blog entry as well for specifics, which would be helpful! (Yeah, no one else would do this kinda stuff cept us huh? haaahahahah)

Thank you! <3

Edit: I rephrased the last answer in case ppl didn’t understand that it is like a grading scale! (Like in school!)

Aquarium & Tasty/Artery Explosion

Totally trying to get back into the style of blogging again. Still figuring out whether or not I want to be blogging about the daily events or of contemplative thoughts that come to mind. There’s also still a lot of work to do with the domain. Slowly but surely, right?

Nevertheless, yesterday was Aquarium day so Henry and I went off to Monterey. (Disclaimer: “Aquarium day” means nothing more than a date we set together to go to the aquarium. I assure you there were no special promotions or what-have-yous for the specific day. SAD!) Him and I have had a checklist of things to accomplish until he leaves for Riverside again and picnic has been one of them. So, I again packed a meal! RELENTLESS is the theme for this day!! Sandwiches, yogurt, salad, and waters! (Sorry, no secret surprise like fruit roll ups, hunny X_X ) It takes 2 hours to get to Monterey but we optimistically aimed to get there in 1.5 hours, considering our goal was to get there at 12 but realistically left my house at 11 HAW HAW. Keeping ourselves entertained, we named the trucks after our friends.

The aquarium was blah blah blah blah blah blah content about the aquarium. No one really wants to hear the details but it was indeed fun and enticing for my 8-year-old soul.

On to the REAL story: FOOD. The first thing we did when arriving at the Aquarium was eat. We left the doors of the Aquarium getting pretty hungry. We had one goal in mind: juicy juicy burger! BAD juicy juicy burger, in that case. Jack-in-the-Box it is! Now… trying to find one. We really didn’t want to spend much time circling around to look for a Jack’s. I mean, Henry was rushing cuz my hunger counter was counting down (reference: The Asahi Incident). We drove down some main streets along the freeway TO NO AVAIL.

Fine. Jack’s or Carl’s Jr. would suffice.

Driving driving driving. And the only thing we could find was McDonald’s. No! Screw it—we just got back on the freeway and headed on up, keeping watch over the freeway sides.

“Applebees?” he asks me.
“Um no….. was that a test?”
“Yes.”

And so we were committed. We would not give up on finding a Jack’s and/or Carl’s Jr. No matter how long it would take. I promised I wouldn’t faht mung jung. I promised I wouldn’t throw a (hunger) tantrum.

Finally.

“Dude, there’s a Jack’s right there….. DUDE they have Carl’s Jr. too!”
“Okay are we gonna do this?”
“YES!!” we both exclaimed.

Henry sped up on the two-lane highway, passed up and cut in front of a bigrig, 50 feet close to missing the exit.

Two tacos, bacon cheese potato wedges, sourdough jack, bacon ultimate cheeseburger, fries, and like 5 refills of coke. And all the while, we somehow agreed that upon finishing our meal, we would then refill our Jack-in-the-Box cup and drive 30 seconds away to the Carl’s Jr. to award ourselves for our patience and particularly my non-temperamental hunger patience! +A Famous Star, and crisscut fries.

It was a full day and I managed to redeemed my Aquarium immaturity by enthusiastically cooperating with the food adventure. Yessssss it was definitely a day of feats.

Now, please don’t ever ask me to do a chain food chain run ever again. Yeah that’s right. I just made a name for it. An CFC.

Stop #1: Jack-in-the-Box Stop #2: Carl’s Jr.

Meteor Shower

I haven’t had a night like last night in a looonnggg time, and it was fantastic! All in all, it was a great day:

  • Got to see But-i: went to Pho Hoa Lao (“the place with the green awning”), played on some swings next to the Lake, just sat and chatted and caught up on life
  • Henry came by with his brother and were essentially like “Take us to Fenton’s!” :OOO
  • It was suuuucchhhhh a nice day!!! so… we went to the cemetary =D
  • Mud masks :X
  • Caught up on some Mario DSing yessss >:O
  • Dinner at cheeseboard Denny’s (talk about a plan change)

Theeennnn! Ryan and Phuong told us to go watch the meteor shower. Hey, why not, right? Called up Man and Lum. We’re goin to a place I went 10 years ago with my bro and his friends out in Moraga! (How the heck am I supposed to find out where that place was…..)

Anyway, to make it an awesome occasion, I packed some hot chocolate, hot water, sandwiches, sleeping bag, and x10 coats! (Good job, Eugenia, for bringing your Skyline parka! Domination!!)

“Hey Scott, let’s go watch the meteor shower!”
“Okay, what time?” “uhh idunno… night..”
“Nighttime.. nice..”

It was so romantic… laying under the stars to watch the meteor shower with Henry……. and Eugenia, Christina, and Scott…. laying downwards up on a hill so all the blood was rushing to our heads… with15 “high school kids” not too far from us… and deer grazing about us.

Nevertheless, it was just nice to just… chill like that. It’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to do that.. lay out under the sky. It felt nice to be under such a huge planetarium! The real, 3D one! We even obnoxiously “ooh”ed loud and proudly, repelling the “high school kids” away completely. (Shows how grown up we all are, hahah)

“If someone tries to come and rob us, I’ll challenge them with math problems before I hand over my wallet.” haaahahah sigh we’re such geeks.