Incoming sappy blog post. I’m long overdue for a relationship post… so here’s my update.

A lot has happened this year, and it’s weird in retrospect. It feels like I went through so much this year, but where I am now is almost physically in the same place where I started off. Just that I carry more knowledge now.

Undoubtedly, 2008 has been a year of figuring out what it is I want in my life. It’s been a whole saga of me not knowing what I want, choosing a path, and THEN understanding the consequences of my decision.

For instance: Work. I wanted this Leads position. I jumped into it, saying to myself that I could stick it through and just DEAL with it. And so I did. And as a result of the stress and amount of time and dedication required for a role I don’t find much satisfaction or accomplishment in, I feel like I lost a big chunk of the characteristics and spirit that I feel makes me who I am. I came to this realization not too long ago, and I’m taking the actions I need to do to make sure I’m happy. I’m going back to how I first started off the year, but now knowing a lot more clearer what it is that I want out of this job, and what it is that I need to succeed. The consequences of my decision to become a Lead came out to be a lot more negative than I initially anticipated.

Next, the choices I made this year about relationships.

Only some people know what went through my mind back in March when I broke up with Henry, but even then, did I trick myself into thinking that it was a choice independent from my attraction to Brent? Probably. Did I consciously make that decision then? Past-Estella would say no to preserve dignity and a clean conscious. But truth is, it was probably a huge influence on my decision. But truth is… I was trying to figure out what I wanted.

I thought I wanted the ideal romance, the picture-perfect moments, the Disney princess stories that felt so good with Henry. Those times really WERE those perfect moments. But… is that something that I truly wanted? Was that the ONLY thing that I wanted? A sense of PERFECTION?

There were a lot of factors leading to my decision: I felt like I was losing the feeling of independence that I was accustomed to while Henry was in SoCal and I was scared of the uncertainty of him moving back here to Norcal; Our styles were very different, though it taught me a tremendous amount. I’m fast, and I panic. He’s calm and relaxed. For me, I had a lot of internal battles of whether or not to calm down, or to go with my natural instincts; And yes, Brent was a factor. I knew I liked him. And with that fact alone, it was unfair to lie and stay committed to Henry when I knew that I wasn’t giving my all. Thus, the decision I made.

And yes, afterwards, I hung out with Brent… a lot. I didn’t want a “relationship”, nor did I want anything serious. We had a conversation about this and I told him I don’t want labels. If I begin labeling relationships, I fall into those stereotypical roles, which usually turns sour. So, we agreed to just be the “close friends” that we are, sharing a tremendous amount of common interests, values, and teaching each other along the way.

This whole time, I’ve maybe only awkwardly referred to him as my “boyfriend” once to like… my grandma or something. Introducing him to new people kind of leaves me stunned when I’m not sure who to introduce him as, so all I say is, “This is Brent.” I don’t like calling him my boyfriend; I don’t really feel comfortable saying that he’s the person I’m dating. I’ve successfully steered clear of these labels this whole time! Otherwise, everyone else just makes up their own labels, which is fine. It really doesn’t really matter what everyone thinks. I’ve really come to realize how much it really IS about what it is that he and I think, what he and I KNOW.

Subsequently, my own personal goal has been to befriend his closest friends more so they won’t refer to me as “Brent’s girlfriend” or something. …I have labelphobia syndrome.

Brent and I have a LOT in common, and we have a lot to talk about with each other: from comic book knowledge, to LGBT history, to the impending doom of 2012, to serious business plans, to ways to improve, progress, and succeed in our own individual lives. The first time I spoke to him, he had the LOST Season 1 DVD on his desk and I gasped and pointed at it, asking: “Are you caught up or are you catching up?” And so began our frequent LOST conversations, which we realize we’re 100% fanatics at to the extent that we knew more about the show than our LOST tour guide in Hawaii last month.

Because I was dedicated to Henry when I started at Embark, I ended up building a really strong and firm friendship with Brent, which is still the main core of our bond. Totally a 180 from the interaction rate with Henry, I pretty much see Brent every day. I know… gross… I’ve become one of THOSE. Surprisingly, we don’t ever run out of stuff to talk about. And even though we see each other so often, we’re very respectful of each other’s individual time alone, and pretty communicative about each other’s needs and wants.

I’ve been EXTREMELY happy with the time I get to spend with Brent. There’s always an on-going competition, and new trend/interests/challenge every week. Last week was totally NES flashback week + reading Watchmen. He sucks at the out-of-state license plate game, and he always loses the Jinx-calling game too. He pretty much owes me a life supply of rootbeer floats because I’m so good.

I’ve had some tough months with work and I’ve found more comfort hanging out with coworkers during my free time because we all have the common understanding of the extent of how shitty our situations can get on a day-to-day basis… A sense of respect and companionship that is hard to explain to people who don’t work with us. I’ve become very distant from my parents and family, and haven’t really been hanging out with my friends much. I admit that I’ve been spending most of my time with Brent, finding new furniture and such for his new place.

I’ve been having a great time, but I know it’s time I should buckle down and figure out my own individual goals and tasks. Gotta find the balance again.

Anyway, I jumped into a decision and I feel that this was a good decision that I made, understanding my needs and what it is I wanted. It wasn’t all flowery and pretty, and I carried a lot of guilt for a long time, some of which I still have, but I still trust that it was good decision that I made.

You know, the weird thing is… I was looking at some recent pics of Marco lately, and I can see how incredibly happy he’s been with Coleen after we were together, and I felt a great sense of understanding and appreciation. And I also felt a sense of peace: with our past, with his bond with Coleen, with myself, with my bond with Brent. I used to feel a lot of angst, even years afterwards, bitter about how I failed. I’m just so grateful for all the place that I’m at now. I’ve done a complete 180 from where I used to be, and I’m appreciative of every step that it took to get here, acknowledging how much of an impact we have on the lives that we touch along the way.

Thanks for contributing to these chapters in my life, for changing me for the better, and for being the foundation for the rest of things to come.

Newport Beach, CA – 5/24/08

I can’t remember the time or place,
or what you were wearing.
It’s unclear about how we met,
all I know it was the best conversation that I’ve ever had.
To this day I never found someone,
with eyes as wide as yours.
I’ve been searching up and down this coast,
overlooking what I need the most.
      — New Found Glory, The Story So Far