Despite my thoughts that have been jogging around endlessly, I was able to really enjoy this weekend to my fullest.

Friday: Even though this last workweek was a pretty long week, I had a new friend at work to keep me company. Actually, three new friends:

Left to Right: (Haifa notes *throwing up*), Perfect Prom Pic Photo, GOOguhly eye cacti!, Mini-buddha at the bottom of my monitor, Baggie of Secrets, Pikapika pics up top

One of my favorite lunch moments ever:

Gilbeezy and I were waiting for CCF while the others waited for us across the street. It was the cutest moment ever! With all of them patiently waiting for us, waving, lined up along the curb! (The other extraneous people are pretty hilarious too!)

And then… the free food run with gregwhichone! (This comes close to the CFC a few months back. Though not nearly as painful.)

Three Toasted Wraps, Six Hot Wings, One Soda, One Big Mac, One Large Fries

Saturday: Shopped at the Gilroy Outlets for a bit, then MOVED IN TO MY NEW APARTMENT, to forever live with my NEEWWWW roommates, so we can have dota parties everrrryyy ddaayyyy

They love me so much they even spray painted the cabinets to welcome my company! w00t! Roomie Caltrain Commute in the mornings!

Sunday: Weekly flag football. At least the team this week was a lot nicer than the last few weeks. Damn them and their cute babies cheering on their mom. We need some babies on our team to root US on as our distraction play!!

The way I see it, the moments we experience are exactly that: the emotions and feelings that we experience at that given moment. Be it a happy, sad, frustrating moment, it is what it is at THAT given time. I had a great time this weekend. That’s FACT. NOTHING can change that, regardless of anything that may happen in the future. I enjoyed this weekend fully, and even if things are crumby later, nothing can change the fact that I enjoyed this weekend. What’s passed is passed and we can’t change it. All we can do is just make the most out of every day and to have as many as these happy moments while we still can.

With love,
Estella

Hypocrisy. In actuality, I don’t know it is that I actually want. I know who I want to be–me, but even then I’m not sure I actually do, or if I even know how to be me anymore. I’ve been running a lot from myself lately. I know I’ve been distracting myself to not deal with my choices, to not face the issues at hand. They’re not urgent, but I know they have to be dealt with.

I woke in the middle of the night, haunted by my own thoughts. I couldn’t sleep. I tried to stop running away from my thoughts–just STICK to that one thought. Just STICK with it and come to TERMS with it. But I kept running. Immediately, I’d start thinking about something a lot more comfortable. And in the darkhole of my room, I thought I saw the ghost of you, right there. Right at my door. I didn’t see anything, but I could feel your eyes of judgment staring me down. I turned to face my wall, I pulled the sheets over my head, and I retreated into my thoughts of comfort at least until the daytime.

It’s been difficult to distinguish between my dreams and reality these days. Did this happen yesterday? Oh wait. That was in a dream… right?? Where have I been? Am I doing the right thing? It’s always the same question. It’s such a…. stupid… question. It’s such a WRONG question.

I’m a little exhausted. I DON’T want to deal. I’m done explaining. I mean… is there really anything to deal with? What is there to prove when people have already formed their thoughts, when they’ve all formed their own conclusions and their own judgment of… well… me?

Selfishness. If I stayed, I would have been lying. If I didn’t tell him, I would have been LYING, goddamnit. I didn’t MEAN for it to happen this way, and I didn’t MEAN for things to happen like THIS. You can’t control your feelings–you can’t just turn things on and off like that. Why does everyone always strive to be honest when honesty only makes you the bad guy? WHY does there have to be a bad guy and a good guy? Things just aren’t as black and white as that. …right? I did what I FELT was the right thing. I’m not good at lying. I’m just not. I just can’t.

Is there really anything to run from? This is all just internal guilt. I can’t stand the idea of being considered a bad person–it eats away at me like a virus. There: for anyone that ever wants to get at me, there’s your opening.

Is there really anything left to deal with? What’s done is done. What’s the point when they won’t want to open their ears to listen, anyway? The judgment and the criticism has already been formed. Maybe I’m being a coward. Maybe I’m just as scared as I was last night. Maybe I’m living in my own denial. …What should I do? I don’t think there’s anything else to do–anything else would be an act of me salvaging my own reputation. Why does that matter, right? I did what I felt was right. I did what I felt was TRUE. I don’t regret my decisions. I don’t think about the ‘what ifs.’ I know what I did was what I wanted to do.

“Utter disregard for other people’s emotions.” That stings. Maybe it seems that way. But if that were true, I would have continued on pretending.

… Is this defensive talk? Maybe I’m being a coward. Maybe I’m just as scared as I was last night. Maybe I’m living in my own denial.

One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time. Happy place, happy place, happy place…

What ever it may be: distractions, running away, taking me away from it all… Thanks for keeping me sane.

Quite possibly the worst Jackie Chan ever. It once was dubbed worst movie of all time in my books, but I think that’s been dethroned lately.

Waking up this morning, I couldn’t help but to think of the idea of dopplegangers: that somewhere out there, there is someone that looks identically like you, but one of you is the good one and one of you is the bad one. If you are ever to meet, the world would explode kinda thing. Waking up this morning, I really couldn’t help but to feel like the bad one.

“Am I a bad person?” And so it goes, slowly eating away at me while I sit in the back of a strangers car every morning.

Life has gotten more and more complicated these last few months that it’s hard to determine what is right and what is wrong. There’s so much gray area. I guess that’s what “growing up” is all about: situations aren’t as formulaic and concrete as they were before. Life is rarely about blacks and whites now.

But despite everything, the thing I know 100% is that family and friends come first.

I’ve lost track of a lot of things. I think it’s time to review some of my notes from college.

I’ve had a great week. I finished working on a redesign for work (”portfolio building” pshaw! How Alvin tricks me so…), I’ve got rather far on the secret E.P. project–YES!, I got the latest SQL exercise (ALWAYS with the help of my peers. Apparently, I’m the only one that asks other people/Alvin for help. Oops. Pahahah).

Today, we just had our fourth game of flag football, which has been really fun for me even though I really wasn’t supposed to play to begin with (I can’t believe they recruited for this on the spot). Anyway, I’ve mostly been coming up with plays to distract the other team (talking to them during the game, taking my shorts off during the game to wear my shorter shorts, making a lot of noise as the on-team cheerleader).

All in all, I think we did our best today, despite not winning. I thought we played really well as a team today, and the best part was that we were able to laugh and have a LOT of fun playing nearing the end of the game. In the end, we were x10 more happy than the opposing team. (They totally had a power-tripping, non-team-playing, jerk QB that totally drowned the fun in their team.)

A few games back, I proposed that we should break out of our huddles saying “EeeeemmmmmBARK!” We’ve totally been doing it–after every huddle! I think that it’s been giving us a lot of team spirit while we’re playing and it’s really been keeping us happy and united when we’re on the field. (How do my coworkers even agree to doing these things? Are they so ridiculous that it’s hilarious and cheesy enough that they’d actually agree to doing such things?) I’m pretty sure that and our default “eeeemmmbarrrrrrrkkkkk” droning cheer has annoyed x10 teams. I’m glad none of us care what they think! Anyhow, I’ve been getting better at grabbing flags! Yay! *clapping!* And I can still 100% not catch a ball for sure. <3 Twinkle Toes!

Game 2 pic from a few weeks back.

In other news, here’s a pic of a few weird things I’ve seen lately:

1. During the last weeks of regular cemetery visits, did anyone else notice that there’s a LOT of people that use fake flowers now? How TRENDY! Here’s some other uhhh “resourceful” tactics people have used at the cemetery. (SERIOUSLY??!)

2. Alright… I don’t know much about fixing cars at all but… I highly doubt this is in any way a correct way to do it… no judging. jking 100% judging.

Some other highlights of the weekend:
- Kidnappings! *claps*
- Evolution to the next level of the Jang joke! “jeep nay!” “boh-see!” “ho pung yow; pung yow!” “lang sahm!” “bye bye!”
- tl;dr riddles–verbal jousting!
- Horton Hears a Who! (”He has 95 daughters and they all share a bathroom, whatever that is!” and KATIE! kakakak)
- Caden sighting!

- Eternal Sunshine rewatch
- Blade 3 bet, Matrix, Arrested Development, I Am Legend, SNL! (Holy crap, brain fry to the MAX!)
- cookies & frozen koolaid squirts!! >:O SO DELICIOUSLY REMINISCENTLY DELICIOUS

- my favorite football game all season

That’s right. We use sunglare!

- Last but in no way the very least, GOOGLY EYES! I LOVE YOU, EUGENIAMAN!! I can’t believe you beat me to this!!!! X_X_X_X

Must make EYE CONTACT!

Thanks to everyone for the good times this week!

It takes more time than I’ve ever had,
Drains the life from me,
Makes me want to forget,
As young as I was,
I felt older back then,
More disciplined,
Stronger and certain,
But I was scared to death of eternity,
I was saved by grace,
But destroyed by naivety,
And I lied to myself,
And said it was for the best,

And now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
I’ve disregarded what I was,
Now that I’m older,
And I know much more than I did back then,
But the more I learn,
The more I can’t understand,
And I’ve become content with this life that I lead,
Where I drink to much and don’t believe in much of anything,
And I lie to myself,
And say it’s for the best,We’re moving forward,
But holding ourselves back,
And we’re waiting on something that will never come,

We’re moving forward,
But holding ourselves back,
And we’re waiting on something that will never come,

We’re moving forward,
But holding ourselves back,
And we’re waiting on something that will never come.

I don’t want pity. I don’t want sympathy. I’m not pleading for anything. So please don’t glare at me with those eyes like I’m a crying 5-year-old, those eyes of pity. I’m very capable of handling the responsibilities and consequences of every choice I make. Don’t ask me how I’m doing as if I’m the one going through tough times. Just BE with me, with the relationship that I individually have with you. Just be FRIENDS with me, apart from everything else. Let’s just live our short lives, knowing that we’re doing everything we can to keep laughing, to keep our souls young, and to enjoy every bit of it as we intend to.

Sometimes death is right around the corner and we don’t even know it. We HAVE to live our lives to the fullest.