What’s It All For?

Knowing that I’ve been going out a lot, I know I’ve been making my mom unhappy lately. It’s some weird mentality in my family that if I’m going out, I’m not an obedient, and thus not a “GOOD” daughter. She doesn’t realize it, but she still strongly implies and hints that I spend too much time going out.

So, in the last two weeks, I’ve made an effort to be at home more. Wait–what does that MEAN exactly? I’m home every weekday. When we’re all home, all we do is just have dinner together and just branch off to our respective sectors of the house anyway. I’m usually gone for the weekends or they just see peeps of me here and there cuz… well… it’s the weekend. Why WOULDN’T I go out since I didn’t get the chance during the weekday? Regardless, I made an effort to be more presently at home the last two weeks. …which means, I just invite everyone to my house instead!

Sleeping in this afternoon, I woke up and no one was home when I woke up, and they were all out to lunch. I woke up and played some Mario Kart (will save this for another post). I came online to browse around a little bit. And then it hit me: “Why the hell am I at home? All my friends are out not online either. So why the HECK am I doing here?”

I mean, really? Am I still seeking her approval? When will I learn to stop living for her and to live for myself? How the heck did Ivan break out of this? Oh wait, he moved out. That’s right. How do I get her to realize that me going out has NOTHING to do with my respect for her and has NOTHING to do with me being a good or bad daughter?

She swears that the reason she wants me to stay in more is so I can get more rest and to be more healthy. Going out = spending money, eating unhealthy, playing so much “that I go insane” (wan doh DEEN sai).

I seek her approval a lot because I value her opinion a lot. But I guess I need to know where to draw the line. Should I continue trying to regulate my staying in time to suck up and please her all for her approval and for her to believe that I can take care of myself? or should I just say fuck it and just do what I really want to do?

I understand that there’s a need for balance in our lives. But THAT’S why I play on the weekends, because I’ve been “good” all week.

(How much longer can I do this until I can’t take it and have to move out? There’s plenty of benefits of living at home: safe neighborhood, food is provided, nice house, not having to deal with neighbors etc. But for more rent, I could be doing whatever I want, without the pressures of strategizing around judging eyes.)

Practicality vs. Desire has been a predominant theme in my life these last few months.

afk, hanging with Eugenia.

My STAR 101.3

“Your blog is very cryptic and melodramatic.”
Meh… so it has been. It’s time to GOM, get over myself. Let’s get back to the happy things in life!

Yesterday was a really fun night, ’90s video game night at my house. I brought out the old Sega Mega Drive and I found the old NES too. Not only did we realize that these old games are waaayyyy too fast for our brains now, but we realized that our minds are not nearly as ADD enough anymore for these games! Holy SHIT are we OLD? I mean seriously… Sonic seems really TOO fast now. El Viento was way too much information for my eyes to take in at once, too, when I totally used to play these games. Maybe I need to not play games that are fast-based. -_-

Highlights & Moments to Remember:

  1. CHEESEBOARD
  2. HIDING (see #1). haaaaaaahahah Eugenia hiding too, HAHAHA
  3. Novaaaaaa
  4. Greg showing pics of his not-Japan trip but rather pics of the Eiffel Tower, New York, Bart trains, etc. etc., and of course, the United Airlines Bullet Train.
  5. Doodling with Greg’s first pic of Tokyo Tower for 5-10 minutes, HAHAHAH
  6. Mauricio FAILING at the second stage of Sonic 2 with the block elevator things (“WAIT FOR IT, just STAYYYY on iiitt!!”) ; The panis music when Sonic runs out of breath! Talk about high blood pressure to the MAX! This game is HARD!
  7. Mauricio FAILING at walking from one sliding plank to another at the second stage of Sonic 2. “DUDE he totally went FASTER that time” [enter reeaaallyy lagged Sonic walk]; consistently falling back into the water; trying to figure out how to use the bouncy spring to get out of the water–AHAHAHAHAHAH FAAAILLLLLLLLLURREEE
  8. Mahjoong Zero Wing!! The green one is the best. Using your “dudes” to break stuff on the map and to take all the hits = the best strategy evar. Last time, Greg0r spent 2+ hours playing this, and this time we spent 15 minutes on it… it’s so HARD!
  9. TMNT2 for NES: poor chap who has to push those HUGE metal balls down the stairs, which may or may not hit anyone at the bottom; the foot clan ninjas that hide directly behind a flat poster on a brick wall–HAHAHAH; Bebop is invincible. No matter how much time has passed, this game is SO awesome (but sooo HARD!!)
  10. Quackshot for Genesis: I TOLD you guys this was a good game! Ultimate stomach sliding technique ftw! This was definitely one of those games where I thought about learning Japanese for the sole purpose of being able to play all the Japanese games we have. Cuz seriously, not knowing where you’re supposed to go to where to pick up whatever item makes this game SO hard!
  11. Golden Axe: The Duel! hahaha ; Sucks not having a B button to do regular attacks -_-;; CLASSIC game… but man it’s HARD!!!
  12. P.O.W. for NES: This totally gave me flashbacks of Conrad playing it nonstop back in the day! They gave up playing this within 10 minutes. HARD.
  13. Shove It! turned out to be THE game most suitable for our elderly minds yesterday–and even then, we gave up immediately when the stages got complicated and we realized it was too hard for our late night, Friday brains to handle.
  14. And of course, 2-3 hours of the original Ninja Gaiden. I fell asleep but I kept hearing: “NO! Don’t get that item, that one sucks!” ; “Don’t get it, keep going.” ; and lots of laughing and clapping over how ridiculous the last stage of the game was. I mean… it really IS ridiculous. You could be jumping over to the next ledge and three enemies will appear out of thin air, with no prior indication that they would fly out. gg getting so far on another hard game, guys… ;x

Here are some other happy moments recently:


Bri’s last game: Boobies play! Missing a few people tho :(


I saw this at Target! How CUUUTTTEEE!!


Brent’s really popular and had a lot of his friends show up early to the UFC bbq.
(The best part is: in this situation, does Eugenia actually count as HIS friend? waaahahha)


GH;ASS: Got hungry; ate some salad. [hhahah gass?? waaahha]
Reaching over the railing to pick up the salad.


In actuality.
SOOOOOOOOOO close!!


A picture’s worth a thousand words.
Oh, Eshen!


Cute, guys.


Yummmyyyy! Harris’ filet mignon + scalloped potatoes! DREAM COME TRUE!! =DDD


Two things that make me extremeley happy while at work

I’m sure there will be plenty more to come tonight! Happy birthday, whichquan(s)!! <3 you!!!

Happy 28th Anniversary, Craig!

Wow! Has it really been 7 months since I’ve started at Embark? Time has most definitely flown by FAST!

I must say that life has not been the same since HE left us, though. I don’t have anyone to doodle with. And I guess I don’t get beckoned to bring water to anyone anymore. Thanks for leaving us, JERK!

Anyway, it’s not the same not having anyone to pour my fake affection onto at work. No one else really wants to keep up with my pretend life as much as Craig did :(

The day he broke my heart.
The day he broke my heart.

Dear Craig,

Please come back to Embark.

Love,
Your best friend from 28 weeks ago.

(Wo)Man of Science, (Wo)Man of Faith

I know I’m not supposed to think of things in black and white, but it’s hard.

In retrospect, did I believe too much in fate and leaving it up to the natures of the universe? I sometimes feel like I just dove right into the wind and let it take me where destiny wanted to take me. In the end, all hell broke loose, almost as a danger sign, a warning not to leave the womb of destiny’s winds.

Do you think that’s what it all meant?

I used to be such a strong believer in signs and interpreting good fortune as a thumbs up from my life, a wink that everything’s as good as it could be. I jumped ship. I took a plunge, something I wanted to do, something I knew I NEEDED to do.

Do I even believe in signs anymore? I guess not. I haven’t seen anything ever since. Have I decided to cut this out all together?

For the sake of adjusting my perspective of life to my current life, I feel like I’ve morphed a lot of my former beliefs to better fit who I am today. I’ve been letting go of the idea of fate and destiny. Things happen. Shit happens. And it is not molded by some greater energy.

But at the same time, I DO believe in fate. With or without my presence, things WILL happen the way they did.

I need to stop blaming myself for the bad things that happen to people around me, particularly when I already know that it has nothing to do with me.

Do I still believe in karma? This is something I’m too scared to even step away from. I still have to cover my bases.


In other news, it’s interesting the people that come in and out of your life.

I remember I made a great effort during my last few weeks of college to see people I probably would never see again. Someone asked me, “Why would you do that? Wouldn’t you rather spend the last weeks of your college time with your closest friends?” “No, because I know I’ll still see them no matter what. These people, I know they’re only going to be a part of my life right now. It’ll be too forward and, well, inconvenient to contact each other to hang out later on.”

This last month has reinforced the idea that we should really live up the present for what it is. Things change, people change, situations change, relationships change, friendships change, and we’ll never know how things will be in the future. All we can do is 100% enjoy the moments that we have NOW, with the people that we’re laughing with NOW, with the people that are in our lives NOW.

And if in the future, things don’t work out, if it’s time to part, then those are the paths that have to be taken. It might suck, but what can you do, right? Things will happen the way they will. Unfortunate how some people may slip out of your life so easily. But I guess that’s how things are supposed to go…

Life is Like a Boat
Rie Fu

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who’s gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can’t escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day

I’m breathing in a faraway place, it seems like I’ve become transparent
And though I think I’m in the dark, I’ve only been blindfolded
Offering a prayer, I wait for a new day to come
Until the morning stops glittering on the sea

Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don’t give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me, and keep me strong

People’s hearts shift and change, wanting to slip out
The moon still keeps bringing in the boat with each new phase

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

Oh, I can see the shore
When will I see the shore?

I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I’d feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along,
I will follow you, and keep you strong

The journey still continues, even on calm days
The moon still starts shining down on the boat with each new phase
Offering a prayer, I wait for a new day to come
Until the morning stops glittering on the sea

And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore

We are all rowing the boat of fate, the waves keep on coming and we can’t escape
That too is a beautiful journey, isn’t it? Any of them is a beautiful journey, isn’t it

Chismis

It’s what makes the world go ’round.

I’m a little bit tired of this kind of social work. Stop hawking my every move. Stop analyzing every little action.

People will see what they want to see. People will hear what they want to hear. I know better than to care, but it gets tiresome and becomes rather annoying. People need to learn how to leave things as is and to find something better to do than to pry into every little thing I do.

Gossip