Wow! Has it really been 7 months since I’ve started at Embark? Time has most definitely flown by FAST!
I must say that life has not been the same since HE left us, though. I don’t have anyone to doodle with. And I guess I don’t get beckoned to bring water to anyone anymore. Thanks for leaving us, JERK!
Anyway, it’s not the same not having anyone to pour my fake affection onto at work. No one else really wants to keep up with my pretend life as much as Craig did :(
I know I’m not supposed to think of things in black and white, but it’s hard.
In retrospect, did I believe too much in fate and leaving it up to the natures of the universe? I sometimes feel like I just dove right into the wind and let it take me where destiny wanted to take me. In the end, all hell broke loose, almost as a danger sign, a warning not to leave the womb of destiny’s winds.
Do you think that’s what it all meant?
I used to be such a strong believer in signs and interpreting good fortune as a thumbs up from my life, a wink that everything’s as good as it could be. I jumped ship. I took a plunge, something I wanted to do, something I knew I NEEDED to do.
Do I even believe in signs anymore? I guess not. I haven’t seen anything ever since. Have I decided to cut this out all together?
For the sake of adjusting my perspective of life to my current life, I feel like I’ve morphed a lot of my former beliefs to better fit who I am today. I’ve been letting go of the idea of fate and destiny. Things happen. Shit happens. And it is not molded by some greater energy.
But at the same time, I DO believe in fate. With or without my presence, things WILL happen the way they did.
I need to stop blaming myself for the bad things that happen to people around me, particularly when I already know that it has nothing to do with me.
Do I still believe in karma? This is something I’m too scared to even step away from. I still have to cover my bases.
In other news, it’s interesting the people that come in and out of your life.
I remember I made a great effort during my last few weeks of college to see people I probably would never see again. Someone asked me, “Why would you do that? Wouldn’t you rather spend the last weeks of your college time with your closest friends?” “No, because I know I’ll still see them no matter what. These people, I know they’re only going to be a part of my life right now. It’ll be too forward and, well, inconvenient to contact each other to hang out later on.”
This last month has reinforced the idea that we should really live up the present for what it is. Things change, people change, situations change, relationships change, friendships change, and we’ll never know how things will be in the future. All we can do is 100% enjoy the moments that we have NOW, with the people that we’re laughing with NOW, with the people that are in our lives NOW.
And if in the future, things don’t work out, if it’s time to part, then those are the paths that have to be taken. It might suck, but what can you do, right? Things will happen the way they will. Unfortunate how some people may slip out of your life so easily. But I guess that’s how things are supposed to go…
Life is Like a Boat
Rie Fu
Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who’s gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?
We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can’t escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day
I’m breathing in a faraway place, it seems like I’ve become transparent
And though I think I’m in the dark, I’ve only been blindfolded
Offering a prayer, I wait for a new day to come
Until the morning stops glittering on the sea
Nobody knows who I really am
Maybe they just don’t give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me, and keep me strong
People’s hearts shift and change, wanting to slip out
The moon still keeps bringing in the boat with each new phase
And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore
Oh, I can see the shore
When will I see the shore?
I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I’d feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along,
I will follow you, and keep you strong
The journey still continues, even on calm days
The moon still starts shining down on the boat with each new phase
Offering a prayer, I wait for a new day to come
Until the morning stops glittering on the sea
And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon
I can see the shore
We are all rowing the boat of fate, the waves keep on coming and we can’t escape That too is a beautiful journey, isn’t it? Any of them is a beautiful journey, isn’t it
I’m a little bit tired of this kind of social work. Stop hawking my every move. Stop analyzing every little action.
People will see what they want to see. People will hear what they want to hear. I know better than to care, but it gets tiresome and becomes rather annoying. People need to learn how to leave things as is and to find something better to do than to pry into every little thing I do.
Despite my thoughts that have been jogging around endlessly, I was able to really enjoy this weekend to my fullest.
Friday: Even though this last workweek was a pretty long week, I had a new friend at work to keep me company. Actually, three new friends:
Left to Right: (Haifa notes *throwing up*), Perfect Prom Pic Photo, GOOguhly eye cacti!, Mini-buddha at the bottom of my monitor, Baggie of Secrets, Pikapika pics up top
One of my favorite lunch moments ever:
Gilbeezy and I were waiting for CCF while the others waited for us across the street. It was the cutest moment ever! With all of them patiently waiting for us, waving, lined up along the curb! (The other extraneous people are pretty hilarious too!)
And then… the free food run with gregwhichone! (This comes close to the CFC a few months back. Though not nearly as painful.)
Three Toasted Wraps, Six Hot Wings, One Soda, One Big Mac, One Large Fries
Saturday: Shopped at the Gilroy Outlets for a bit, then MOVED IN TO MY NEW APARTMENT, to forever live with my NEEWWWW roommates, so we can have dota parties everrrryyy ddaayyyy
They love me so much they even spray painted the cabinets to welcome my company! w00t! Roomie Caltrain Commute in the mornings!
Sunday: Weekly flag football. At least the team this week was a lot nicer than the last few weeks. Damn them and their cute babies cheering on their mom. We need some babies on our team to root US on as our distraction play!!
The way I see it, the moments we experience are exactly that: the emotions and feelings that we experience at that given moment. Be it a happy, sad, frustrating moment, it is what it is at THAT given time. I had a great time this weekend. That’s FACT. NOTHING can change that, regardless of anything that may happen in the future. I enjoyed this weekend fully, and even if things are crumby later, nothing can change the fact that I enjoyed this weekend. What’s passed is passed and we can’t change it. All we can do is just make the most out of every day and to have as many as these happy moments while we still can.
Hypocrisy. In actuality, I don’t know it is that I actually want. I know who I want to be–me, but even then I’m not sure I actually do, or if I even know how to be me anymore. I’ve been running a lot from myself lately. I know I’ve been distracting myself to not deal with my choices, to not face the issues at hand. They’re not urgent, but I know they have to be dealt with.
I woke in the middle of the night, haunted by my own thoughts. I couldn’t sleep. I tried to stop running away from my thoughts–just STICK to that one thought. Just STICK with it and come to TERMS with it. But I kept running. Immediately, I’d start thinking about something a lot more comfortable. And in the darkhole of my room, I thought I saw the ghost of you, right there. Right at my door. I didn’t see anything, but I could feel your eyes of judgment staring me down. I turned to face my wall, I pulled the sheets over my head, and I retreated into my thoughts of comfort at least until the daytime.
It’s been difficult to distinguish between my dreams and reality these days. Did this happen yesterday? Oh wait. That was in a dream… right?? Where have I been? Am I doing the right thing? It’s always the same question. It’s such a…. stupid… question. It’s such a WRONG question.
I’m a little exhausted. I DON’T want to deal. I’m done explaining. I mean… is there really anything to deal with? What is there to prove when people have already formed their thoughts, when they’ve all formed their own conclusions and their own judgment of… well… me?
Selfishness. If I stayed, I would have been lying. If I didn’t tell him, I would have been LYING, goddamnit. I didn’t MEAN for it to happen this way, and I didn’t MEAN for things to happen like THIS. You can’t control your feelings–you can’t just turn things on and off like that. Why does everyone always strive to be honest when honesty only makes you the bad guy? WHY does there have to be a bad guy and a good guy? Things just aren’t as black and white as that. …right? I did what I FELT was the right thing. I’m not good at lying. I’m just not. I just can’t.
Is there really anything to run from? This is all just internal guilt. I can’t stand the idea of being considered a bad person–it eats away at me like a virus. There: for anyone that ever wants to get at me, there’s your opening.
Is there really anything left to deal with? What’s done is done. What’s the point when they won’t want to open their ears to listen, anyway? The judgment and the criticism has already been formed. Maybe I’m being a coward. Maybe I’m just as scared as I was last night. Maybe I’m living in my own denial. …What should I do? I don’t think there’s anything else to do–anything else would be an act of me salvaging my own reputation. Why does that matter, right? I did what I felt was right. I did what I felt was TRUE. I don’t regret my decisions. I don’t think about the ‘what ifs.’ I know what I did was what I wanted to do.
“Utter disregard for other people’s emotions.” That stings. Maybe it seems that way. But if that were true, I would have continued on pretending.
… Is this defensive talk? Maybe I’m being a coward. Maybe I’m just as scared as I was last night. Maybe I’m living in my own denial.
One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time. Happy place, happy place, happy place…
What ever it may be: distractions, running away, taking me away from it all… Thanks for keeping me sane.
