The Things We Put Up With.

I’m so pissed off and sometimes I wonder why I even put up with this shit.

Yes. My mom is an awesome person. I love her to death.

But I swear to fucking god. I think what I hate most is that she’s one of the most critical, most patronizing people that I know.

Being detail-oriented, meticulous, a perfectionist, and all around-anal, these are the traits I know I’ve learned from her. There’s 0 doubt about this. This seems so petty but I swear….

“Where did you go last night?”
“I went to go see my high school physics teacher. He’s in town for the next few days so we went out to see him.”
“Oh, high school teacher? Was it your physics teacher?”
“Haha yeah, I just said that…”
“No you didn’t. I didn’t hear it.”
Brother: “She did say it.”
“Oh, I didn’t hear you say it. I was just making a guess.”
“Maybe you heard it subconsciously and when you made a ‘guess’ you just said whatever you processed subconsciously.”
“No, I didn’t hear you say it.”
“I know, mom. I’m saying you heard it subconsciously. Hmm… do you know what subconscious is?”
“No.”
So I begin to explain to her what subconsciousness is and go on to give examples of what they are. She would shake her head and doubt me. And I might have gone on too long giving too many examples of what we subconsciously process.
“Okay, I’m done explaining now.”
“*Laughing* I was wondering how long you would keep on talking about it.”
“Okay well sorry I went on for too long. Sorry I was trying to actually teach you what subconsciousness is. Sorry if I didn’t say it right.”
“I know, I’m saying that your way of saying it wasn’t–”
“I already said I’m sorry for not saying it right. I’m sorry it didn’t come out the way I should have said it.”

But it’s never enough. It’s never enough. And that’s why I always get frustrated and slip.

I’ve spent years and years trying to change my behavior and I KNOW I’ve gotten better at talking with my mom but these things always seems to go unnoticed. All the times I fail always overshadow all the times when I actually keep my cool and let her have her way instead of me talking back. It’s always the bad things I hear about, and never is it any of the good stuff.

I KNOW I’ve gotten better. I KNOW I’ve unlearned a LOT of it. But I have 0 indication that SHE actually knows. Her brain works to find the imperfections, to find all the inconsistencies in everyone else. It really makes me wonder if she even notices one bit of the positive things. Even to this day, she still says that I need to improve on my attitude and behavior, which I realize and acknowledge and I’ve been slowly working on to change. But what about her? It always takes two. I only talk back when she gets really condescending. There’s a difference between being a good mom and being a jerk. It takes two, and I still think that she has 0 idea of the things she herself says and the way SHE says the things she does.

I think the part that upsets me the most is that there is SUCH a high probability of me taking the same mannerisms from her. I’m pretty much a living clone of her but simply a younger, Americanized version of her. And I absolutely hate it.

I hate that she’s trained me to see imperfections like she does. I hate that she’s trained me to be as critical about everyone and everything as she is. I hate that I’m becoming her, that I’ve internalized everything she’s critical about. I hate that all my life she’s always vented to me about her problems with my dad, making ME dislike my dad. I hate that I’m the only person in this family that will actually challenge her own behaviors. I hate that because I’m the only one that sticks up for myself and tries to make some change, I’m always the one that gets put on the spot as a disobedient child. I absolutely hate the Chinese cultural belief that people are not supposed to talk back to elders simply because they are older than them–what the SHIT is THAT? I hate that when I calm down later and have a talk with her about what just happened, somehow or another things will work out with me accepting that I was wrong and she barely did anything wrong. I hate that we ALL try to always be the ones that are right. I hate that I still CARE to be the one that’s right. I hate that she always NEEDS to be the one that’s right. I hate that I’ve changed but nothing’s changed. I hate that I’ve changed but nothing’s changed. I hate that I’ve changed but nothing’s changed. I hate that I’ve changed but nothing’s changed. I hate that I’ve changed but nothing’s changed.

But I know I love her more than anyone ever could.

January 8, 2008

Thoughts at the moment:

  1. My nose is awfully chapped from blowing it all day.
  2. Why has my nose been runny all day only through ONE nostril? The other nostril seems completely unaffected by the mucus.
  3. I think I will slowly start rebuilding my site again (possibly reload all my old entries?, include a photo section again). Yeah. I like building.
  4. I am going to use Gallery2, which I’m pretty juiced about! One thing that I’ve always been concerned about is motivating ppl to comment more on my blog/photos. Well, it’s not like I’ve actively sought out to get ppl motivated but it’s an interest of mine. People tend to comment a lot on Facebook pics, which is most likely for the convenience factor of having everything centralized, plus ppl are tagged. Posting pics on my own site and also on Facebook would be a duplication. If only there were some way that I could export the commentary from Facebook photos to the same photos hosted via Gallery2 on my own site O_o. Suggestions?
  5. However, I found out that it’s possible to export albums from Picasa into Gallery2, which is AWESOME and would save a tremendous amount of time. Not to mention I can start captioning my own pics for my own records. With that in mind, I should really start captioning now… when that’s done, ready for upload! JANG!
  6. 2008 = the year to actively work on organizing my photos in a nice centralized fashion, possibly to make better notes of events/places so my picture taking as a form of memory would actually work….
  7. I hope the weather is going to be awesome for a winter BBQ on Saturday!! *crossing fingers*
  8. My room is a mess but I hope that no one notices.
  9. Eating healthy is tough especially with monthly cravings. (I seem to always start my healthy streak at the wrong time, every time.) I want a piece of juicy STEAK, please. Or some poutine or paella might be sufficient alternatives. *sigh*

Paella Poutine

January 4, 2008

“In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to find a person who loves you for exactly who you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person will still think that the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.” — Juno

Hanry
mycho cheese.

Ear Log

For my own records, and for anyone else that, like me, browsed around the internet to figure out what the heck was going on with my industrial piercing.

Day 0:
I got my industrial piercing on Friday, the 21st. For the first two hours, it was red, painful, and throbbing like curaaazzyy. Surprisingly, after the first two hours, it calmed down a lot and settled, no longer hurting very much. I applied solution after I got home, sea salt soaked after shower, and solutioned again before I went to bed.

Day 1 – 5:
It didn’t even hurt! There wasn’t really any swelling and barely red.
For these days, I applied solution twice a day and sea salt soaked every other day, since my ear seemed to be doing pretty well recovering. From hereon after, I won’t mention it but by default, I solutioned twice a day and sea salt soaked everyday. I didn’t rinse my ear after applying solution and soaks, which I probably should have done.

Day 6:
I think this morning, my ear was getting itchy, which I remember to be pretty normal from my previous piercings. While at work, my ear started to throb more. It might be because I might have accidentally scratched somewhere around it, and I do remember turning it a little. My jaw felt tighter this day but I’m not sure if this had anything to do with the piercing (even though I’m not sure what the reason would be). I didn’t have any of my solution/sea salt with me so I went to the nearby Walgreen’s to look for some piercing solution. They didn’t have any so I asked the pharmacy people who were around. They told me that using alcohol swabs should work. I later researched online and realized that I was totally not supposed to use this on my piercing (supposedly, the alcohol dries it out). I went home later that night and did the regular sea salt soaking and solution. The top piercing area started swelling this day.

Day 7:
The ear was still throbbing and red in the morning. I brought my materials to work. Because it was still throbbing, I applied solution to it a few times, which I think I might have overdid and irritated it more than it needed to be. At some point, the side of my head closest to the piercing started hurting like crazy, so I took some Tylenol. (Apparently, ibuprofen is supposed to be the best drug to take because it’s an anti-inflammatory drug.) My headache went away and I think I managed to be okay for most of the afternoon. When I got home, I sea salt soaked for a few minutes to ease it out.

I was more or less fine (or just occupied) until later on that night. Maybe it was from all the energy exertion from singing karaoke for a few hours with my favorite karaokeist, or maybe it’s cuz I use too many of my facial muscles when I x10 laugh (very plausible, mind you), but I got soooo exhausted and my head was starting to hurt again. Needless to say, my ear was throbbing. (Yes. I sang so much, my ear hurt.)

Additionally, near the end of the night, I noticed that a bump had formed behind my earlobe. That x10 freaked me out and I basically tried to chill out for the rest of the night. (Also because I was feeling exhausted.)

Day 8:
After a good night’s rest, the pain definitely seemed to have lessened, but was still not as gracefully comfortable as the first few days of the piercing. When I woke up, there was some light greenish pus around the top piercing (closest to my eye), with a spec of blood on it. I felt exhausted and didn’t even feel like talking this day (maybe from the x10 energy exertion day).

Henry took me back to Zebra so the piercists could take a look at it. I told them that my head around the piercing has been hurting a lot, and that the top pierced area has been swelling. They confidently said that it was fine and normal. Thank goodness.

Then, I asked them about the lump behind my earlobe. The bump isn’t really visibly noticeable so I don’ think they saw it. They gave me confused looks, “Behind your earlobe? Hmmm I’ve never heard of that before. That shouldn’t be related–just impeccable timing with your new piercing.” Ooooooookaaaayyyy *slightly still panicking again*

Nevertheless, the placebo effect of knowing that the pain and swelling was normal was totally making me feel better. (“This placebo effect is totally working!”) I got some ibuprofen to get rid of the headache and napped for a few hours, definitely making me feel better when I woke up.

Later on that night, there was some pus at the top hole again, and some coming out from the other end of the hole (the top inner piercing). I made sure to thoroughly rinse off the sea salt water and solution this day, when I didn’t really bother too much before.

Day 9:
My ear and head most definitely felt better yesterday. Noticeably, I could feel that the muscles around my ear (and where I was getting the most headaches, closest to the top piercing) would strain when I laughed/smiled too much. (HOW TRAGIC!) I probably busted something around there on Friday from laughing/singing too much, too forcefully for too long.

There was crust around the top holes in the morning. I cleaned it off and thankfully, my ear didn’t bother me too much through the day. It started throbbing a little mid-day and I sea salt soaked to soothe it, which totally worked. I saw that there was still a little bit of pus forming around the top holes, but not a color that was too alarming.

I made sure to follow the cleaning procedures of only treating it 3 times a day, and not being paranoid and going overboard.

At night, when I was cleaning off some of the crust, the top hole had blood after I removed some of the dried pus (maybe I wasn’t gentle enough to not tear anything?). The same for the top inner hole, the other side of the top hole. I didn’t want to irritate the piercing too much so I cleaned it the best I could and rinsed thoroughly. It started to feel really itchy at night.

Day 10:
Today, instead of cleaning off the crust with a wet qtip, I decided to rinse my ear down first with some warm water, which seemed to really help wash off the crust without feeling like I was tearing it off. The top hole definitely bled a lot less. It looks less swollen from three days ago (my ear doesn’t look like it awkwardly sticks out at some weird angle anymore w00t) . And I’m sooo relieved to notice that the bump behind my earlobe has slowly been going away. I think only treating the piercing three times yesterday helped a lot, since it probably minimalizes contact and doesn’t rile any of those nerves up too frequently. It’s less red and less swollen today. W00T!

Hopefully the rest of this day goes well *crosses fingers*

P.S. I’ve been good about not sleeping on it. (Which is kinda ironic since I’m such a wild sleeper–I move all over the place and kick everywhere, but from past experiences, I’m pretty good about not moving to certain sides in my sleep if I have to.) Any abrupt contact would be when I accidentally bump it against my jacket or when I pull a shirt on/off and such. I’ve been pretty good about having it dodge people’s appendages and heads when hugging.

Lessons Learned (this seems to work for me, at least *shrug*):
- Don’t use alcohol to clean piercings
- Don’t turn the piercing too early on
- When remedying the piercing, thoroughly wash everything off.
- Instead of cleaning off crust with a wet qtip, rinse it off with some warm water first.
- Don’t over-treat the piercing–it’ll irritate it more
- Take ibuprofen for piercing headaches (hohohoho piercing headaches!! get it???)
- Get a good amount of rest so that the piercing can do it’s healing thang at night when sleeping.
- Eating healthy is supposed to be good too (even tho I’ve x10 been eating unhealthily).
- Don’t go buck-wild crazy cuz when you do, your new piercing is like yo momma sleeping and yo smile is like the kid that’s trying to wake yo momma up to play catch and yo momma’s like, “Go away! Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep!?” and you know it’s best to just let her sleep, but if you successfully wake her up you know she’ll be pissed off for the whole day just because you woke her up just to play catch! (And depending on what she’s dreaming about when you wake her up, she could even be x10 times more pissed off!)

Edit: 01-02-08:

Day 10 (cont.)
I went to Safeway today and found the Band-Aid Antiseptic Foam that I used for my previous cartiledge piercing which was a really successful piercing experience (I didn’t even do the salt water soaks! All I used was the Band-Aid Foam!). I was thrilled to find it! It’s rather amazing that all the Walgreen’s I went to didn’t have it at all. BOO! I mentally felt relieved to find it!

My ear got a lot better through the rest of the day. I was able to laugh more without hurting my head muscles, and the swelling lump at the back of my earlobe noticeably diminished. (Some sites online say that this is a swollen lymph node that happens because of a collection of pus, indicating that the pus is preventing an infection from spreading to other parts of the body. PHEW!!) I like the foam a lot because it feels a lot less irritating on my skin when using a moist qtip. Plus, the foam seeps into the crevices that I usually can’t reach. Throbbing stopped, and my ear got almost back to normal color. Woohoo!

Day 11:
My ear’s gotten almost back to how it was the first few days of when I got pierced. The only difference now is that it’s ridiculously itchy!! Woohoo! I’m in the clear! My skin’s healing! The trick now is to not scratch it. aldfjaasd Hot water feels sooooo good on it >:O

I’m very glad that it’s back to normal and that I can laugh again! Woohoo!