they’re so good.
…….

from when I went down to Riverside to surprise the boy. the roomies and i were waiting around impatiently for a few hours that they even set up a little decoy boobie-trap for kicks, the waterbottle on top of door trick. lawlz. pwned.

conventional oven is DEFINITELY better than microwaving it. tsk tsk tsk. look at all that melted crust. sigh. wasted.i also found this pic while google imaging “bagel bites”

lawlz.

I’ve been really grouchy today. It’s probably because I have this bad hoarse throat thing going on, that won’t go away no matter how much water I drink. Plus, some pipe on our street blew and they’ve shut off water for the night while they fix it.

Anyway, grouchy. It’s the kinda grouchy where I pick out all the little annoying things that the people around me do. And when I say ‘all’ I mean ALL. It’s where it’s just best if you don’t ask me a question or provoke me to talk, because the only thing I have to say is to make you feel bad for making me talk to begin with. The only things I have to say are to make you feel stupid for saying something, ask you why you had to do something, and then criticize you for it.

That’s how it used to be a lot when I lived at home. I’m good at making people feel like they’re shit. I did that a lot with Marco. And I hate(d) myself for it. So I’ve cut down on it a lot more in the last two to three years. But being used to doing that for years of my life, sometimes you just relapse. And I guess the worst part is… I don’t know where all the anger comes from. I hate how our world teaches us that it’s much more acceptable to hate each other than it is to love each other, to the point where loving is just weird and awkward. But I’m not blaming other people for my own issues… I am society, society is me, is you, is us, is me.

Growing up, I was always the venting hole for my mom when it came to all her friends, our relatives, my dad. If anyone’s seen the movie The Squid and the Whale (a movie that I highly don’t really recommend but I supposed deserves some recognition since it pretty much left quite a mark in my mind), the beginning shows how easily and closely children follow in their parents’ footsteps, more than often very bilaterally. “I don’t like how the family’s hella split in half because the kids just follow one parent or other,” I said to Man. But to be honest, I follow my mom pretty much 100% when it comes to opinions and judgements. I’m pretty sure I greatly disliked and was annoyed of my dad for a bulk of my childhood because of the things she would vent to me about. I’m not blaming her but just saying… that’s just how things were…

I love my mom. But there are just some times… I don’t want to believe that she’s right. And I don’t want to listen to all the things she has to say because it just gets me more and more mad how negative and jugdemental she can be. And what I hate the most, no… what SCARES me the most is that I can be influenced by that. that I’ll turn out like that one day. Because I don’t WANT to be like that. I don’t WANT to have an opinion for everything. I don’t WANT to be so critical of everything and everyone. People are who they ARE. I LIKE accepting people for who they are, and I LIKE trying to understand why people do the things they do without shutting them out right away. I’m so scared of turning out to be like her. probably because I know there’s a part of me that’s just like that right now too.

One of the things I’ve come to learned is to try to be appreciative of those people who AREN’T appreciative of others. Minorities among the minorities. LVL blessed us with such immense knowledge, but it only makes things so much more complicated and complex. “Be a sheep, but be a SMART sheep.” These are the kinda times where ignorance is bliss. Times like these, I just want to mindlessly follow everyone else and NOT know things and NOT see things. One of the greatest things about Sociology is that it’s applicable to everyone and everything. One of the worst things about Sociology is that it’s applicable to everyone and everything. If you let it get to you, you analyze anything and everything around you. I love Soc. My radar’s on way too much for my own mental health. And I’m usually not sure how to turn it off.

Whatever. here’s my latest art piece.

The Monsters In Your Bed

(that’s a bad pic. i’ll retake in the morning with better lighting.)

i’m pretty bipolar arent i? brace yourself, henry.
… i cant wait for you to come home…

i like him a lot.

No, I ain’t talkin about no soccer player.

Sure, he’s great and all but he sure ain’t gonna behead me!

There’s no way he’s the vacuum I saw on the cruise cuz he’s not THAT clean!

And I guess he kinda makes up witty rhymes here and there but he’s no Thoreau!

His name is Henry, and I actually know him but, that’s just not the one I’m talkin about man!

Yeah I may have dated him before but that was ages ago! Not THAT Henry!

The guy I’m talking about draws and all that but that’s just a totally different style!
Tomy’s chili cheese fries are always good for bribery, however.

ღ.♥.¸ஐ¸.·*ღ♥´¯`*·.¸¸♥ღ *..this is so gross i wanna throw up..*ღ♥¸¸.·*´¯`♥ღ*·.¸ஐ¸.♥.ღ
i totally need to be kicked for this one.

Life is SUCH a weird concept. It’s kinda like sleeping, if you think about it. Everyday, we wake up to a world that’s been running on its own while you were in your blissful unconsciousness, and when you wake up, you start your own day. If you think about it, it’s like we’re born every single time we wake up. Out of some vague darkness, into the hustly bustly world, only to go back to another vague dark place.

I like that concept of us being the center of the world, in a sense that all you know is what you know. And even then, who knows if even THAT is real. For all you know, the world only existed when you were born. For all you know, the world only exists the moment you wake up in bed. For all you know, the world DOESN’T exist the day after you die. I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I’m thankful for everything I have, everything I’ve learned, all the people I’ve met and have helped me grow in each other their own individual ways, all the little things that make me smile, all the grand things that make me smile. I’m thankful for love, for understanding, acceptance, open-mindedness, their opposites to justify the things I believe in, for all the opportunities I’ve been given, for being in the place that I am today, for growing up in Oakland, for being allowed to be me, for having a roof to live under, for having the internet, for having the choice of having any food I desire, for my friends for loving me for me, for my friends, for Henry, for my brothers, for my parents.

And you ask me what I want this year and I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days, cuz I don’t need boxes wrapped in strings, and desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days

So take these words, and sing out loud, cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again

And it’s someplace simple where we could live, and something only you can give
And that’s faith and trust and peace while we’re alive
And the one poor child that saved this world, and there’s 10 million more who probably could, if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words, and sing out loud, cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight, and somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days

So take these words, and sing out loud, cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again

I’ve been having really intense sleeping habits lately. The duration of these don’t usually last that long, but I feel like I’ve been sleeping like this for a month now.

It’s the kind where I close my eyes and open them immediately, only to find that 10 hours have passed. I typically remember my dreams but the only ones I can barely remember are the last bits before I realize in the dream that I’m dreaming. (I found out 2 years ago that not many people realize that they’re dreaming when they’re dreaming, and not many people can really decide what they want to do in the dream. I used to have really really really bad nightmares when I was little so I guess I developed something here I can avoid those dreams altogether by shaking myself awake to “switch” dreams. (Thus explains my fear of the dark and why I refuse to watch any scary movie cuz it’ll haunt me for a few months, and probably why I don’t remember any of my childhood monsters.))

So usually these kinda sleeping habits only go on for a few days or so, but I’ve definitely been deep sleeping for a few weeks now. It’s kinda scary cuz… I feel like I have no control over myself during that whole time of being… well… numb. When it comes to our sleeping habits, my mom always says, “Foh-jook doo mm jee ah!” You wouldn’t even know if there’s a fire! It’s true. It’s true.

Happy talk keep talkin’ happy talk
Talk about things you’d like to do
You got to have a dream
If you don’t have a dream
How you gonna have a dream come true?

(okay, I don’t know what is more funny. taking it back to this song, or the fact that that girl is obsessed with the index-thumbing motion that she even has to do it underwater. COMIN TO THE DANCE, NELLIE??)
(i ruined all seriousness of this post.)