it don’t matter who you are if you only run for cover, it’s just a waste of time
we are lost ’til we are found, this phoenix rises up from the ground
and all these wars are over

Some things in life are just so contradicting. I just don’t get it. I REALLY don’t get it.

“Do what you really want to do in life, do what makes you happy.” The part everyone leaves out is this part, “… but only if we think it’s good too.”

What if you want to be a bus driver? What if you want to be a janitor? What if you WANT to be a full time house wife?

“What do you want to do?”
“_________”
“……….. [enter fake 'oh' interest]….. why?”

I DON’T ASK YOU WHY YOU WANT TO WORK IN A BORING CUBICLE OFFICE JOB DEALING WITH NUMBERS AND REDUNDANT RECYCLING OF INFORMATION. Why is it that I have to answer and have a REASON for everything that I WANT to do? Why do we have to have REASONS? What people are really asking are, “Why aren’t you doing something worth while,” or rather, “Why aren’t you doing something that makes more money?”

I set myself up for this the last few years, and I’ve had to deal with it, but not as much as I do now. And now more than ever, I feel like I have to PROVE myself. Yeah. I got a fucking sociology degree and I love it. What I don’t love is the criticism, the doubtful looks, the fake sympathy, the “here’s what you should do” suggestions.

Doesn’t anyone find it awfully ironic? Here’s how it goes:
“What have you been doing?”
“Looking for a job”
“Oh, what kinda job?”
“Something in the nonprofit realm”
“Oh… really? why do you want to do that? [enter suggestions for other types of jobs that generally include having higher pay]”
Isn’t it ironic how it always sounds all nice and happy and noble when someone says that they have done so and so and so to help other people and to help blah blah blah, but when it comes down to it, when it actually means spending time to help people, it’s one of the least paying, one of the least recognized kind of jobs there are? HYPOCRISY.

I really don’t sit well with people telling me what to do. And more and more, people have been telling me what to do. I feel like I have to prove them wrong that my degree is actually worth something, that I’m actually worth something, that I’m CAPABLE of DOING. But it’s so hard when I don’t know what I want to do, that I’m confused with my own life, and one person after the other, I have to keep answering the question of “What have I been doing with my life?” I’m so sick of the question.

Sure, I guess I’m whining. Sure, I should shut up and just eat the damn lemons and get myself a job. But that’s the thing. I don’t want some job for the sake of having just a job. I want a job that I WANT. I want to do what I want to do. But that’s not what people are telling me now, are they? Right now, I’m supposed to just find what ever and get the money. “Just start now, just find whatever, and do something, and eventually you’ll move around.” Where is everyone now, all the people who used to say “Do what you want, do what makes you happy”? God damn CONTRADICTIONS.

It hurts so much to be pulled all over the place. All I want is to just be NORMAL. I want to be a life as NORMAL as possible, but we all know that something like that just can’t exist. I just wish I could be a dumb sheep and just follow along like everyone else, not questioning, not thinking, none of that. It’s so hard to decide on things when I don’t even know what I want for myself, but I’m supposed to pretend like I’m doing something.

everyone’s always so afraid of death. and people get uncomfortable and upset when i talk about death, specifically my own. but how else are you supposed to live your life to the fullest without embracing the fact that you’re gonna die one day? life can ONLY be defined by death, and vice versa. i’m not saying i totally understand death, but i’m willing to face my fears and confront the idea that i’m not invincible, and that my time WILL come. it’s kinda like loving yourself… learn to love your past, learn to love your present, and love your future. all things relative.

anyway, with all this in mind, i decided to bring henry to oakland’s mountain view cemetary for a date. he looked at me stupid and was skeptical but there really was no way for him to get out of it. now, i’m not dumb. there was a reason i wanted to bring him there. it’s one of THE top spots when it comes to scenic views of the bay, imo. i discovered this last year when it hit me how incredibly blessed my grandmother is–the days prior were filled with overcast and solemn weather… but the day of her burial, the sun shined high, no clouds in the sky, at a nice mid-70s weather. anyway, i brought henry up there, and we drove around to explore some parts of the cemetary i’ve never been around (okay that sounds really creepy to do but it was really peaceful and nice). what i love most is how beautiful the cemetary is designed and how, ironically, how LUSH and lively the place actually is. henry thought i was exaggerating when i said that people jogged, walked their dogs, and even took wedding pictures in there. before we went in thru the gates, we saw someone jog out, then saw about 8 different people walking their dogs, and saw two parents taking adorable pics of their baby daughter in the pile of autumn leaves.

so here are some of my invigorating pics of the mountain view cemetary

Sometimes, you happen to stumble upon some old files here and there, some things you didn’t realize were still around, some things you didn’t expect to find, some things that you wish were kept buried under the rest of your junk. For some reason or other, you said in the past that you’d keep it around to rediscover later on, whether the files are good or bad things. A lot of times, you find these things again, and then it finally hits you: I don’t need this shit. Cuz that’s exactly what it is: unnecessary crap. shit. Then, it’s great to realize and know that these things are disposable, because it allots for more harddrive space, for things more suitable to your PRESENT life. It’s like cleaning out your house of the things that really don’t matter anymore.

Sometimes, the meaning of some things are so heavy, so burdening, that it feels… relieving… to let things go. It’s like the weights come right off. You put as much meaning in something as much as you WANT to. You have total control over how much you want something to affect you. It just gets upsetting sometimes because you don’t want some things to affect you, but they still will. whether emotionally, or physically. you just react, without your willing to do so or not.

Everything with you has been like … well… for a lack of better words… god sent. Things fall into place, one piece after another. What scared me from the beginning was how sure I felt from the get go. Part of the reason is because of the tremendous amount of signs, the blatant hints and clues that spell it all out. No, I’m still atheist. But the things I believe in are close to what most “religions” believe in: karma, signs, the phenomenon that is life, a greater power. What I believe in is the way of the universe, the way the world works, everything that is life itself that we ALL build TOGETHER. Place a name, a label, a face on it, whatever you want, but whatever these signs are, they’ve been so blatant in saying, “Hey, go this way. You’re doing everything right so far. You want a perfect moment? Here you go, here’s one. Why? Cuz everything you’re doing so far is right.”

Anyway, point of the story is, just as these things have started occurring a lot more in the last few months, it only seems understandable/natural to have a test fall right into your lap, without your control, and totally (un)expected and blatant as the counterparts before it. You get tested to see if you’ve understand the things you’ve learned during the course of this class. Have you improved? How? What have you learned? What do you want to do from here? How do you see things now, in retrospect?

Reaffirmation. I’m sure of it. It’s like… the counter-sureness. I guess if I never found this junk today, or rather… if it never found me, I would never feel the stern and convinced notion of throwing it away. As if I were slipping and tickling the wrong thought, another sign came up and slapped me in the face. Reality check. Only to reinforce something that I already knew. I am enough. I am loved. And I am ever more grateful for the things that I have.

I went over to the boys’ house last night to play the wii with them.

Somyunggui vs. Jesus

James playing boxing on wii sports

The guys were even nice enough to make a mii for me.

Here’s the final product:

It was so sad that Jacob’s mii avoided interacting with “Estella” every time we tried. I hate you guys.