I’m not who you think I am.
I’m not the stereotypes you think of me as.
I will never be who you want me to be.
A long time ago, I promised myself that I could make myself different, that I WOULD be special. Like any other low self esteemed adolescent, I mentally had a hard time trying to fit in. I didn’t have the resources to spend on buying the materialistic things that all the teeny boppers did, I couldn’t develop my social life as other people got to go out more–and didn’t have curfews at that. But in retrospect, I probably did fit in really well. More than I knew. I was simply just another asian girl with the worries and troubles that any other asian girl had, just a different degree.
A lot has happened since those days and a lot has changed. I wonder what people think when they see my internet personas on facebook, on myspace, etc. etc. Do they see just another asian girl? Do they see a hardworker? Do they see a partier? Point is… seeing these profiles online are as shallow as seeing someone in person, across the street. Except… it’s even more shallow than just that. Point is… even though I could never meet the expectations and standards of society, that I could never be financially/academically successful thru the hard maths and sciences and all that other mumbojumbo, I’m really grateful for the path that I’ve taken, and for the substance that I carry with me now.
Through it all, I guess I always find ways to make myself feel special, affirmation that I AM worth something, that no one else is like me. I always gotta go and do something different. Talk about egotism to the max.
Point is… I can’t stand it when people who don’t me that well assume that they know everything about me. There are so many sides to each person that it’s almost impossible to know EVERYTHING about one person. We can never truly KNOW someone… probably cuz we never truly know ourselves.
With that said and done, I am always grateful for my closest friends that DO know the things I’ve gone through–good and bad–and their acceptance, understanding, and APPRECIATIVENESS of my history.
I need to get off this egotistic trip.
