Ozma - Domino Effect

06.01.06 by craisin-chan

Just some things I couldn’t help but to think about in the past couple of days.

So often we take the things around us for granted, the very things that make us who we are. I think that’s why I LOVE microsociology. You know, all the little rules like when you look at someone and they look back you have to look away or else it’d freak them out, or how “uhh”s and that long delay of an IM response signify either disapproval or simply confusion or afkness. Whatever, all that stuff, the little “insignificant” things that are things we have to deal with in every interaction, all the little things we look over and take for granted. In my hopes to be a better person, I aim to take note of the things that help me. You know, so that no one will come to me, slap me in the face, and say “ungrateful bitch!”

Above anything else, I am most grateful for the ways and values of my family. Having a talk with the roomie yesterday, I was saying how random it was, as if I never did anything to earn it. But she said to me, “It may seem like that, but you’ve been managing your site for so long, and you had to learn everything yourself—it’s not like you didn’t work for it, cuz you did.”

I remember in first year when you would come over and “study” at my place for some Asian class and you’d say, “Ahhh whatever, fuck it! I don’t like this class anyway...” And then you started taking upper div classes, the stuff you actually liked. I don’t think anyone will ever know me the way you know me, V. “Work hard. Play hard(er).” It’s always one or the other. Most people either know one or the other. And I’m glad that there’s someone who knows me in just about every way. You know, where I don’t have to explain myself, I don’t have to say Oh I did this and this because this and this. I think more than anyone else in this world, you know that if I don’t care about something, I really won’t care about it, and that if I want to achieve something, I’ll do everything it takes. It’s just times like last night... Sleeep, sometimes I sleep so much... that just PROVES that we’re totally on the same wavelength. And I think the part I appreciate the most is that although we’re so alike, we have SO many differences, and you never once judge me negatively because of the things I am or the things I do, despite how you may view the situations for yourself.

I think that’s what I love the most about the closest friends I have, the select few in LA, and the Oakland crew. We’re so completely different, but no matter what, we see beyond the simple stuff. Above all else, we’re able to truly and fully understand one another’s perspective with full on love and support, no judgment, no awkwardness. It all shows so clearly. Because we’re comfortable letting it all go when we’re together, just reinforces that we love each other for who we really are, not some fake idea of who we think we are. For that, I am forever grateful for my best friends.

Anyway, back to where I actually started... hard work. Dang, what choice did I have raised in the Tse family? My mom always, always, always stressed: it’s one thing to be stupid, but it’s another to be stupid and LAZY. Yeah, I crash and burned in high school. Yeah, it’s one of the world’s greatest mysteries how the heck I got into UCLA (no seriously, I’m not exaggerating). As my rants always go, I wish I were smarter, I wish I could have a better handle on practical stuff like the math and sciences. But I lost interest in those topics long ago in Ms. Thurman’s biology class, and when we had subs thru the whole year of Ms. Brewer’s geometry class. This is not to mention the whole thing with Mr. Malhi. Whatever, I never wanted to touch those subjects ever again. But for everything else, I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I had to do to achieve it.

I think that’s one thing I’ve just recently learned about my family. Specifically, the women in my family. Looking at my mom, my aunt, and grandmothers, it’s like holy shit, why the hell are these women not written down in the books? My yenyen. One thing I’ll never ever, ever, ever forget is my mom telling me how much she admires my grandmother. She had to go thru WWII, when the Japanese raided China. She had to walk on her knees on broken glass for whatever reason. And she spent most of her life raising a buncha kids, with my grandfather who didn’t help much at all. But as my mom says, she’s never heard her complain once. All these years, she never threw a tantrum, never complained once. In fact, she’s ALWAYS smiling. Always laughing, always happy, and finding joys in the littlest of things. And here we are, bitching about a scratch on our shoes, about the A- we got on our paper, about how so and so said this and that about you. Whatever. There are bigger things in life. Why the heck are we always complaining? Stupid America.

My pohpoh. When she was little, she had to take care of her stepmother’s kids or her younger siblings or something, got married as a second wife, had to raise the first wife’s kids, had my mom and 2 other girls, but due to some law in China she had to go and adopt a son since she didn’t have a boy, and did all this on her own as her husband lived in Cuba. Just like Don Vito Corleone, my grandmother was the head figure of the five or six generations to come after her, the family she built up on her own.

Mommy. If you’ve ever talked to my mom, like REALLY talk to her about her experiences, I don’t really have to explain. If you ever get the chance to, strike up a conversation with my mom. You’d learn so much, and I’m sure you’d in turn learn about me. It’s obvious that she’s my greatest teacher. As everyone says, my mom’s frickin awesome.

With all this said and done, I’ll never get over how I never realized until six months ago how incredibly POWERFUL the women in my family have been, despite all their hardships and challenges faced. Why did I never notice that I was raised by FEMINISTS who didn’t even know they were?

I don’t like doing the feminist spiel, but I’m the only female child in my family and I think I have a responsibility to live up to the reputations of the ones before me. And that’s why I have almost impossible goals, why I want to work to the best of my abilities, and be the good person through it all. I have no right to complain about trivial things.

Anyway, I just wanted to take this time to reflect on the things that I’ve learned to appreciate even more in the last few days with all the new things that have come in my life. People always say that I’m lucky. But that’s not how it is. I work for it, whether if it’s directly correlated in a tangible way, or just by being a good person to others. I’m a strong believer in karma, not luck.

"I Have It All. I Don't Have To Be Anywhere Else But Here In This Moment."

05.15.06 by craisin-chan

Yesterday was the last day of Soc 130: Self and Society.
I'm not in the class. But I felt the need to sit in.
Located in Perloff Hall, it was really awkward to have a class with her in any other room other than Haines 220. The feel of the class was just different from mine a year ago.

Sitting in her class for an hour and a half, I feel I've learned more at that moment than I have in all my classes combined from this quarter. Quite plainly, I miss her so much. When people ask me what the point of majoring in Sociology is, it's really quite simple if you've taken any class with Van Leuven. All the hype, all the rumors, all the talk about her, they're merely understatements of the love and power she arms you with. Why do I love Sociology? Because all we talk about are ourselves. How awesome is it that we spend our days learning about us as people, about how we do the things we do, about how we interact with other people the way we do?

Do you ever think about the people you learn from? The person I've learned the most from is my mom. Second would probably be Ivan. Third... I'm almost certain is LVL. Yeah, I idolize her. In my eyes, it's so hard to see her as human, as one of us. How can she be? She's so incredibly different, she's so wise, she understands everything so much more. How ironic... I want to be the person who tells us: "If you can't [mentally be present] at home, at where you are, you'll always be reaching for something else, you'll always be reaching for the next best thing... We're constantly looking for a life we're not living." In everything we do, we keep doing more and more--it's never enough. We work hard, receive the reward, but it's never truly satisfying, so we thus go for the next best thing. We're always working to have it all.

Can we ever really have it all? and WOULD we really want it all? What happens afterwards? Would you keep striving to find the next best thing? Would you feel bad that you had it all, yet no one else did? This all reminds me of McGrane's Soc 1 class, how he said that we are always, constantly, endlessly working. He had us "do nothing." We had to choose a busy area and stand there, doing nothing. No, we couldn't pretend we were waiting. That would be "do waiting." No, we couldn't talk to anyone. That would be "do talking." We stood there..... and did... nothing. Only if you experience this yourself or see someone doing this do you really understand how weird and bizarre it is when we truly, and literally do nothing. It's just not part of our nature.

Lesson of LVL's lecture: sit up. close your eyes. feel your stomach rise and fall to your deep breaths. if a thought enters your brain, don't push it aside; rather, acknowledge it, then move on. now, think of these words: "I am enough." now, think of these words: "I am loved."



One of the reasons why I admire LVL is because she is one of the few people in my life that have taught me to love myself. The rest of the world tells girls that they are imperfect, that there is ALWAYS something wrong with your appearance, your personality, your brain. Self and Society with LVL was my favorite class at UCLA because it was so abrupt from our busy worlds, where we actually took the time to learn more about ourselves instead of other things like words, diseases, groups, cells, or whatever else. We learned about ourselves, and the ways we needed to change ourselves in order to be happier. Simply, LVL was the only professor I've had that had a passion for teaching how to love.

I realize this has been stirring me because I'm graduating soon, and LVL's leaving UCLA this year. Such a big impact on my life, I know that I'm clinging onto her because I'm scared of what will happen.... what will happen when I leave school, what will happen when someone I consider a mentor won't be anywhere in reach anymore, what will happen to know that she will no longer be enlightening a world that needs much enlightening. Yeah, I'm scared of this move into liminality, living betwixed and between. I guess the funny thing is... she doesn't know I exist. I respect and admire her too much to ever talk to her. Maybe one day, she'll stumble upon this on a google search for her own name. Oh well.



by aquapell



Now, there's a familiar feeling in my throat. I'm getting sick.
Debby: i hate that feeling
Debby: like impending DOOM

And.
I made someone blush today.